I'm Not Gay But My Boyfriend Is
by Cosmomos
Summary: After Craig loses a bet, he becomes tangled up in a sadistic money-making plan to win Tweek's heart. But what happens when the plan backfires?
1. Approaching Him

**A/N:** **After being sucked into the South Park fandom once again, I bring you my first Creek fic.**

 **Rated M: For strong language, violence, smut in later chapters and themes some people may find distressing. Nothing SP fans aren't used to.**

(22/12/17): This story is now being revised as I write the last chapters. I noticed how much better the later chapters are and it's probably the only reason I'm keeping this fic up. Well, that and the fact that I've gained a lot more follows and favourites (thank you so much!) Enjoy your read :)

* * *

 **Chapter One**

Approaching Him

* * *

I stared at the snow in astonishment. Cartman danced around me victoriously and pointed his fingers into the air, he sang to himself merrily to rub the fact he won against me in my face and piss me off; it was working.

"I can't believe it" I breathed. Crap, I'd never lost a bet before... Against Cartman of all people! I was beginning to worry for what penalty he would think up for me. Knowing him, it would be just as dreadful as the bet itself and trust me, this bet was something else. But against the point, how could I lose? Actually, how could I not lose? I didn't know Butters was actually going to put his finger… there. I thought Butters' naivety with his friends' genitals and asses were over. Clearly I was mistaken.

"You should believe it, Craig" Cartman accentuated my name coyly and I balled my fists in response. Token and Clyde who were with us wearily dragged me back a step in fear I'd punch the fatass' smile right off his face. I can't say I didn't want to.

"Oh Kinny, you're so gross" Cartman wheezed before patting his friend on the shoulder with honour. God knows where Butters had gone, probably squatting somewhere in shame after what he did to Kenny. It wasn't even Butters' finger a good inch up Kenny's rectum that lost me the bet, it was the fact Butters' believed the action would make him immortal that resulted in my demis. I really thought Butters wasn't as gullible as his younger self, logic failed me.

"Oi don't flip me off you dick hole, not my fault you're a sore loser" Cartman yelled. I didn't even realise I was flipping him off. "You just don't understand how wonderfully fucked up my friend is." He squeezed Kenny's shoulder appreciatively again.

"And you" I retorted; he shot me a discombobulated look of innocence and I rolled my eyes. "You're always getting guys to do gay things to each other so you can watch and make fun of it. The most fucked up person here is you, fatass."

Cartman gazed down at the snow for a long moment while kicking it between his feet and smiling to himself sheepishly. "You're right, Craig, I do like making you all do super gay things. That's why your penalty for losing against me is also going to be just as fantastically homo." He then looked up at me. "And if you do this correctly I'll give you my birthday money that you would have got if you won our initial bet."

"Why would you do that?" Token chimed in, he knew full well Cartman wasn't this generous.

Cartman walked towards us, leaned into my face and smirked ever so slightly "because just like you said, douche-bag, I'm a sick fuck and I like watching you be gay."

"You can't watch me be something I'm not" I growled.

"Sure, sure" he didn't seem wavered by my answer.

"What is it you want Craig to do?" Clyde asked "I'm curious." I shot him a look of annoyance when Cartman triumphantly began to explain.

"Tweek Tweak" Cartman began "that is what he'll do."

"Do? You mean… Cartman I'm not having sex with any guy that's ridiculous."

"He's not any guy though, you used to hang out with the spaz kid all the time."

"Yeah in elementary school. We're not friends anymore; It's been years and I don't care who it is, I'm not having sex with any dude I'm not gay you fucking-"

"Fine! Jesus Christ dude I only wanted to see you date the guy for a week. Small price to pay for two-hundred sweet ones, don't you think?"

I sighed and turned to Token and Clyde for any sign of approval. They didn't seem bothered but the whole situation didn't make sense. Why that one particular kid? And why dating? Was dating Tweek difficult or something? Because he's jittery? It's been over a year since I even talked to him and three since we hung out. It would be awkward, so incredibly awkward and the whole school is going to think I'm a faggot. I have chicks to impress, a reputation to maintain. If one person ever found out, I'd be as good as dead in the social world and my dad, oh god if my dad thought I was actually gay he'd flip.

All in all, something told me there was a bigger plan behind this, premeditated and finessed to Eric's perfection. I was unsure to go with my gut feeling or with my ego… I was afraid that the latter had a stronger pull.

"Dude, don't overthink it, you don't have to do Cartman's stupid dating" Token reminded me, clearly able to spot the panic.

"Don't try change his mind, Token, he's got too much pride to let me win this" Cartman snarled.

"I can see the cogs turning in your mind, Tucker, but really what is going to the movies with an old friend, maybe coffee or whatever anyway? For all my birthday money and more you're going out eating ice cream and playing video games for all I care. It's not about dating Tweek or being gay it's simply about duty. Or do you want me to rub my winnings in your face for the next week instead?" He had a good argument I had to admit. If I backed out, he'd get a generous chunk of my savings too.

It's just a date or two, screw it.

"Alright" I sighed "you better not be lying or I'll cut you." Cartman chuckled.

"I'll see you Monday then" he turned away and leaned towards Kenny to murmur "next week should be very interesting."

* * *

The following Monday I meandered into school very much aware of what had to be done today. I knew I could back out but the bitterness of losing was beyond my control and forcing me to do this, despite how hard it'd be to woo Tweek, considering our history.

I strolled to my locker and continued to ponder through debates my head. I hadn't thought about something this intensely for ages. It wasn't just the fact I had to pretend to love a boy, but that boy just had to be Tweek didn't it? Eric Cartman of course chose one of the most difficult parts of my past to push me back into. Maybe that's the real reason the bet felt so challenging, even for the wad of money I was promised.

Tweek was… He was great but me being the "apathetic idiot," I quote, lost him as a friend and there's only so many times someone will run back to you until they realise something they didn't want to and give up. When I look back, I was constantly putting him into painful situations, abusing his trust and taking advantage of the fact he was such a dedicated friend. The last time we spoke was a year ago where he made it clear he was going to stay far away from me after I'd been avoiding him for quite some time.

This is why I try not to think of Tweek and the past. It's a can of worms I've been marinating too long.

I closed my locker and made my way to my first class which was gym since I had missed my homeroom time like most days, not seeing the point in wasting my time there. I loved all my physical classes; gym and American football practice really took my mind off things, things like Cartman's punishment. The more I thought about it, the more I realised this was going to be a pretty tricky ordeal.

Kyle Broflovski approached me as I started to change in the locker rooms with raised eyebrows. "Dude, I heard about Cartman's bet" he continued to stare at me. I paused.

"Fucking Christ how many people is he going to tell about this?" I cursed under my breath. Kyle shrugged and draped his arm over my shoulder. "Don't worry, I'll try and help if I can" he assured me, but the statement was a bit ambiguous. Help me get out of this bet? Help me win it?

I began to strip my clothes off as I brewed a conversation with my teammate. "I don't care about dating a guy for a couple of days you know, I'm not queer… but it's just the fact Cartman had to go and pick Tweek of all people. Tweek hates me; we haven't be friends for years and…" I pulled on my white and green gym shirt before sighing to myself "I just don't want that fatass to make fun of me forever."

"Neither do I" Kyle agreed "I want nothing more than to see his narcissism burnt down but to be honest Craig, I really don't think Tweek hates you. He doesn't hate anyone he's just… really... intense. Also I know you're not queer, not that there's anything wrong with it but if anyone's gay in this situation it's Cartman for getting everyone to, you know, orgy around him"

"That's what I thought."

We jogged into the gym together and wrote down our workout plan that began with the treadmill to warm up and the conversation progressed on from there once we both began to run.

"I don't know how to ask Tweek out" I told him, in hope he'd have any idea what to do in my shoes.

"Just go up to him at lunch and ask if he wants to hang out, it's not rocket science." Rocket science would've been easier for me to solve, in all honesty.

"Just straight up ask him to hang? It's been too long since we spoke what if he… You know, freaks out like he used to..."

"He does that to everyone, for any reason, you know this."

"I guess."

"Look, do you want me to come with you? Moral support huh?" He looked like he was about to burst out laughing.

"No need to be cocky kosher boy, but yeah, I suppose you can tag along."

"Awesome."

True as promised, I found Kyle loitering around my locker at lunch making sure I had the balls to show up. I stashed some textbooks into my locker before I head to the cafeteria, my redhead companion in tow beside me. He was rambling on about football practice and some party in the near future but I barely had the capacity to engage with his words at that moment.

"You know where he hangs out?" I asked as I scanned the hallways for any sign of Tweek. It was almost poignant that I no longer knew where my former best friend hung out.

"Who?" Kyle grinned and I flashed my middle finger at him.

"Probably in the cafeteria drinking coffee, just chill man, you've been on dates like this before" he tried to assure me. I'd been on a few dates before, yes that was true, but not at all like this.

There was only so far I was willing to go with Kyle babysitting me before I thanked him and told him I was fine and he joined Stan and the rest of his friends on a nearby table once he was sure I wasn't going to bail, and I wasn't. The brief conversations with Kyle had put things into perspective: at best, me and Tweek would have platonic fun hanging out for a week; at worst, Cartman picks on me for a week and with all the dirt everyone had on Cartman it wouldn't be too hard to get around that or at least to not take notice of it.

My eyes glazed over all the heads in the cafeteria. It was a lot larger than what we had in elementary of course but the upside was that there wasn't a lot of changes in the kids of South Park. The same hats, the same faces, the same lame games and banter. With that in mind, all I'd have to look for is a scruffy sleep-deprived boy twitching over a mug of coffee.

It took a little while but Kyle was right, I spied a matte of wild blond hair in the far corner of the cafeteria, perched behind a flask of coffee and to my surprise he was seated opposite Bebe Stevens and Wendy Testaburger. I wondered since when became Tweek popular with the girls? I shook my head and proceeded along with the plan without an idea of what to say to him, but I hoped something tangible would come to mind.

There was this feeling in my gut that I couldn't explain. The only other time I'd felt this eerie feeling was the day that me and Tweek actually stopped being friends. One that I remembered very well but he had no idea. He had no idea why we weren't together anymore, he probably just assumed I grew to hate him.

Tweek didn't notice me approach him, he was absorbed into Wendy and Bebe's conversation while occasionally nodding and smiling at their chatter. I felt obscure there, like all eyes were pinned onto me expectantly with long claws ripping my abdomen apart. But no one was facing my direction at all. Jesus, why did I feel so afflicted over this? I was usually cool and collected, that's what I was renowned for. But the thoughts that raced through my mind was enough to break my mellow demeanour a thousand times over.

Wendy was the first to notice me standing at the foot of their table with my hands shoved in my pockets. She smiled softly and quirked her head whereas Bebe was scanning behind me sheepishly.

"Craig, can I help you?" She asked. Typical teacher's pet, always wanted to help but she couldn't help me with this one. I stole a glance at Tweek who was no longer smiling, he was gazing down into his flask and I knew he could feel my eyes on him as I caught him twitch all of a sudden.

"Red's not here" Bebe told me "or Annie, or Lizzie" she added. I flipped her off tempestuously. Had my reputation got them assuming I was here to know where their girlfriends were at? All of a sudden the task became slightly more awkward than it had to be.

"I'm not here for girls actually, I want to talk to Tweek if that's okay with you" I informed them although I didn't care if it was okay with them.

"Go ahead" the pair watched me in anticipation. I heard Tweek mutter under his breath and I immediately regretted approaching him in this situation. Or this whole entire situation itself in fact.

"No offense, but can you both fuck off for two minutes?" I sighed to which I earned frowns but nonetheless they picked up their trays of food and sighed a temporary farewell to Tweek before leaving.

I shuffled quietly into the bench opposite Tweek. He still hadn't looked up and this was beginning to feel pointless. I didn't know what to say but the first thing that came to my head had to be the best thing so far.

"How are you doing?" I asked him and he twitched again.

"Fine" he replied. I wondered what he'd done the past couple of months. We'd never had a high school life together, he'd lost all our mutual friends and I barely caught glimpses of him these days. When I spared a thought to him I'd often hoped that he was doing okay and that he was happy. But he didn't look happy to see me at all and I knew why. I deserved the scowl on his face.

"I um, Tweek do you-"

"Craig, why are you here?" He faced me finally and looked at me dead in the eye. I was almost caught off guard by this. I swallowed a lump in my throat.

"I wanna talk to you" I lied.

"Y-you haven't wanted to talk in years man, why are you here right now, you want something from me don't you? GAH! What do you need?!"

"Nothing, dude nothing" I lied again "it's not that I've been avoiding you all this time it's just… things happen don't they?" Why couldn't I stop lying.

"Yeah like, like, blanking me Craig. Just tell me why you want to talk I don't have time for lame shit excuses."

"Will you stop freaking out I really just want to talk"

"This is too much pressure, I'm gonna go find Wendy AGH!"

"Tweek just sit down! You haven't even finished your coffee, we need to catch up."

"Fuck off" Tweek stammered and I lost it; I bashed a fist on the table and kicked my leg out in front of him as he tried to walk away. I'd come this far already and I wasn't about to lose to Cartman twice in a row.

"Go to a movie with me!" I yelled at him, a few people nearby whipped their heads in shock.

His brows arched as he gasped, his huge frightened eyes were infiltrated with fear, annoyance and something else I couldn't quite make out. I suddenly felt remorseful for raising my voice. He quickly finished the last of his coffee before he hit the flask against my chest. His stare felt like long shards of ice slicing into my throat and that same eye contact never left as he pushed past me.

"7pm tomorrow, you better not be fucking with me" he hissed. It was then that I became officially screwed.


	2. Guilty Memories

**Chapter Two**

Guilty Memories

* * *

School the next day was pretty dull as usual. Surprisingly I hadn't bumped into Cartman yet, Kenny or Kyle. It was almost as if they'd left me to my own devices and decided to spy on how I dealt with this from afar. In spite of them, I was determined to keep as calm and detached as I usually would be.

I hung out with Token, Clyde and Jimmy for most of the day and even they hadn't brought up Tweek or anything to do with Cartman's bet despite I was sure they were all updated on the situation. Ha, maybe it was only me that was all riled up about the stupid date. That's what Cartman wanted, wasn't it? To see me burn up. Besides all that, I had a good day and football practice went great.

Once I got home I quickly made my way up to my room and flipped off anyone who distracted me until I tumbled onto my bed with legs dangling off the end and my mind somewhere up in the clouds. Now that I'd asked Tweek and he had agreed to join me, I wasn't nervous about talking to him but more curious than anything as to what he'd been up to these past couple of years. Who was he hanging out with? And more importantly, did he remember all the bad things I'd done to him and forgiven me for it? Because honestly I wasn't expecting a second glance from him when I myself remembered what I'd put him through when we were fresh teenagers.

But Kyle was right, Tweek was a forgiving guy, It would be wise to stop mulling over the idea he hated me. Not like I'd care if he did though, right?

7:00pm he said. It was only 4:30pm so I was in no rush. I remembered where Tweek lives of course; I assumed he wanted me to pick him up? Anyway where the heck would I be taking him? I'd been on a fair few dates before with girls but this was barely a similar scenario. I was worrying again. Eventually I decided I'd take Tweek to a movie for he wouldn't care what we did and it meant less talking which was great, not to mention friends saw movies together all the time so it was ideal. It was sorted, no more anxiety over the matter. I let out a long sigh.

Just as I picked up my phone it began buzzing in my hand; Eric Cartman's name flashed on the screen and sent a shiver down my spine. I wondered what he might want. I begrudgingly answered his call and held the phone to my ear.

"What do you want now?"

"Well hello to you too Craig" the emphasis was painful. "So first date today, huh? Took you long enough my friend. So where are you going?"

"And why would I tell you?"

"Because you want my money, dickface and I'm not paying you to half-ass this. So tell me where you're going and I'll be there."

"What?! No way fatass I'm not having you watch us, that's too much."

"Well seems like you don't want the money then. I was gonna maybe put in an extra twenty bucks but I guess you're not interested..."

Damn it. I cursed under my breath and tried my best to release the tension in my wrists so he couldn't hear the exasperation in my voice. What a vindictive asshole I thought.

"Thirty bucks and I'll let you tag along, just don't get in my way alright?" I hissed and practically heard him smile.

"Very well."

"I'm picking him up at seven then taking him to a movie probably around half an hour later. I don't know what's on at the movie theatre but I don't think he will mind what we watch."

"Oh, very classy then. Okay, I'll be keeping an eye on you Tucker." And with that I hung up on him and groaned.

It made sense I admit, him watching me to see if I was actually doing what I'd promised and not bailing or fobbing anyone off, I'd probably do the same if it were the other way round, but I couldn't say I was comfortable with it at all. It was already awkward and perilous being alone with Tweek, let alone with Cartman prying on us and filming us, or whatever he planned to do.

Before I knew it, seven o'clock was approaching and I started on getting ready to go out, both physically and mentally. I'd already had a shower and dressed myself in a brown jacket, some black jeans and sneakers with my usual blue and yellow chullo hat to garnish it. I wasn't going to dress too forma as I didn't want to look too eager or anything; this seemed smart and casual at the same time, so a great mix I supposed. But what did I know about fashion anyway?

I bid farewell to Stripe no.7 on my way out (The Stripes before came to their inevitable deaths) and did my best to avoid any intrusive questions from my parents or little sister. Luckily they were all out of sight and I took my dad's truck. It wasn't anything special but it was heated and would do just fine for taking Tweek out.

My mind was a little hazy but it wasn't hard to remember the route to Tweek's house though it had been so long. South Park was a small and closely-knitted town, just like shredded wheat; nearly everyone was acquaintances. The last time I'd been down these roads to Tweek's house was as a fourteen year-old kid riding my bike through the crystalized snow. I smiled fondly as I recalled those times, being here today and going the same way for the same person was oddly tranquil as well as nerve wracking at the same time.

Eventually I pulled up into Tweek's neighbourhood, greeted by the familiar plum bricks of his house now a little more crumbled and corroded than I remembered but still familiar. As if from a dream. I also caught a glimpse of his backyard, a bike leant against the shed was blanketed in a layer of rust and snow. He probably hadn't used it since we last went out together. In fact, I was the one who taught him how to ride a bike since his parents were always so busy with their coffee shop. I missed that.

I was knocked back into reality when I heard the front door creak open and there stood Tweek, hair as gravity-defying as usual. He was wearing a hoodie tonight, hands buried in his pockets. I stared at him in silence for a moment.

"Oh. Hello" I greeted him.

"Hi."

He closed his door and brought his fluttering hands to his face, his breath warmed them up. He was always cold. I would have offered him my jacket had he been a girl and if this were an actual date.

"I-it's good to see you, we need to GAH! Um, t-talk about things" he started, rather a change of tune from earlier. I paused him and lead him in the direction of the car to which he hesitantly followed me and sat himself in the passenger seat He wasted no time in quickly securing himself under the seat belt. I turned the heat on for him and waited until he'd lazed a little before I spoke. It was 7:08pm.

"What do you wanna talk to me so bad about?" I asked him. Genuinely I was puzzled; all of a sudden he seemed so dead set on getting something off his chest, it was almost disconcerting. I saw him twitch a little in the corner of my eyes as I gazed straight ahead through the window at the snow the began to settle on the windscreen.

"Um, I- Well, Craig, I don't really know but I think we need to talk about you know… These past few months. I mean, that's what people would do if someone they knew just suddenly wanted to hang out again after… so long" I felt my chest contort with guilt, I didn't want to talk about this at all. I inhaled deeply and faced him.

"Tweek, we don't have to talk about anything, look, it stresses you out" I explained and gestured to his hands which were wrestling against each other apprehensively. He glanced down to his fingers and let out an exasperated sigh.

"But Craig… We haven't talked in-" he twitched "m-months. I mean, what have you been doing all this time? I-I know I told you to stay away but… I guess I always thought you'd invite me back sooner like you always used to-"

I wondered why he had to bring it up. Why the fuck on our first 'date' he had to put something that heavy on me.

"Stop" I interrupted, my fingers gripped tightly around the wheel. I couldn't talk about this anymore, I just couldn't.

"We're gonna watch a movie in about fifteen minutes, if we leave now we'll have time to get some food first" I flipped the subject and started up the car. My hand instinctively dived into my dad's cabinet and fished out a box of cigarettes. Tweek glared at my hand as I took one of the stogys, ready to light once we were out of the car.

"I didn't know you smoke" he broke the silence. I let out a sad chuckle as I started up the car and began to pull out of Tweek's driveway.

"Now and then it takes the edge off things" I murmured and we began to drive. He didn't question it for a second time. I let Tweek choose what to put on the radio and we drove for about ten minutes in the flurry of snow listening a BBC station but I stopped listening after a while and focused on the road. At least, I tried to.

We got out in silence and Tweek lingered outside the theatre while I bought a parking ticket and lit my cigarette. I inhaled the nicotine gravely and allowed the stress to fall out in soft ringlets. Tweek paced up to me and glanced around us nervously. He seemed a lot more nervous than me in fact, but as far as he was concerned, this was just two old friends catching up. I was the only one here with the knowledge that this was a date. Just a typical Tweek Tweak thing I supposed.

I placed some notes in his frosty hands and stole a look down at him. I noted our short height difference and found it almost endearing; I hadn't compared our height since we were fourteen.

"Go get us tickets to the movie and some food, I'll be in there in a minute."

"W-what movie?" His teeth rattled in the cold.

"I don't mind, just pick whichever one you want"

"Too much- uh, what do you want to eat?"

"Again, I don't mind, just grab whatever and I'll meet you in the lobby."

"How will you recognize me if there's a lot of AGH- people around though?"

"How wouldn't I? You stick out like a boner in speedos, just get in there I don't want you to watch me smoke."

He nod his head obediently and turned towards the entrance muttering "pressure" under his breath. I felt a little bad yet I couldn't help but shake my head in amusement. It was kind of fun to pull his leg, it reminded me of old times. I'd kept that to myself and continued to blare smoke into the alpine air of Colorado.

"Well hey buttface" an all too familiar tone tore through my thoughts, so sudden that I choked.

"Save that for the sleepover" Cartman smirked and I frowned at him before leaning my head back and gazing up at the sky as it got darker. I noticed both Kenny and Butters were huddled behind him, waving to me in their mittens. I nod my head to greet them and placed the stogy back between my chapped lips.

"You need better insults" I told Cartman and he laughed.

"Alright faggot." I glared at him.

"Ah, um fellas, where's Tweek?" Butters asked, his hands brushing together for warmth.

"Well, Tweek doesn't know we're watching them" Kenny informed him "their date, I mean."

"That's right" Cartman chimed in "Butters you better not blow our cover with any more questions. I'm guessing the spaz is inside?" he then turned to me and I nod my head. "Great then, we'll follow you into whatever lame movie you guys are watching and claim some seats at the back. Don't be a fucking pussy Craig or you'll get no money. Remember this has to look legit to Tweek."

That didn't make sense. There was nothing clear about me having to convince Tweek I had some kind of crush on him or something. Why did I have to make it look legitimate? Cartman was truly weird and fucked up but I decided not to question it than to be hit with his 'respect my authority' bull crap and so I crushed my cigarette in the snow before I head inside. The others followed close behind but lay low behind the small crowd of people. I really wish I could've had privacy with Tweek because now I knew I'd have to perform something convincingly homosexual for the other guys and I was a terrible actor.

Like a sore thumb indeed, Tweek's bright blond hair stood to attention in the lobby. I neared him and noticed his trembling shoulders calm down as he spotted something humble in my face. He ever so slightly smiled and began to speak.

"I got the tickets to this movie in screen three and some popcorn and-"

"That's great Tweek let's just go" I found our way to screen three and sheepishly glanced behind me for the boys before we entered the dark room and crept to our seats which were located somewhere in the middle. It wasn't very swamped with people in there yet.

When we sat down he passed me some sweet popcorn and a can of Mountain Dew, not a hint of a smile in either of us as I realised he'd remembered a few of the things I used to enjoy the most in the movie theatre. Just an odd pang of that same thing that had been troubling me the last couple of days. His popcorn was salted and he had coffee.

I pat his shoulder amiably and gave him a reassuring nod "thanks" I told him and he smiled gently back at me. The movie he picked was some kind of sci-fi thriller which I didn't mind at all, at least it kept his eyes glued to the screen and his mind off wanting to talk to me. As I was beginning to immerse myself into the plot I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and discreetly hooked it out to see a message from Cartman.

Fat bastard: It's been 20 minutes dude, Kenny would have gotten to second base and then some by now if it were him.

I grimaced at the text and gingerly glanced behind me. All three of them were sat in the back corner like they had told me, they were surveying me like a hawk although Butters seemed pretty preoccupied by the movie. I flipped them off before returning to the alien adventure which Tweek was still absorbed in. I observed his face and his hair for a while in thought of what to do. I had to do something to keep the audience satisfied.

His mouth was slightly agape and his eyes followed the movement on the screen. He twitched a little, something he seemed to do involuntarily if I was staring at him for too long so I stopped and sighed to myself.

I'm not gay I thought.

Even though second base was a ghost of a joke, I wasn't sure if I could bring myself to do anything with Tweek that involved touching. He didn't like to be touched by most people for starters and secondly, I didn't feel the need to touch a guy for goodness sake. This was all so messy, but I could feel Cartman's eyes burning into the back of my neck and I knew I had to keep my cool.

Eventually I went for a classic yawn and stretch, reluctantly ribboning my arm out around Tweek's shoulders. He threw his gaze into my direction but I was watching the movie and pretending I had no clue to what I was doing; acting as chilled out as I could.

Suddenly my chest grew tight again once I felt Tweek's head lean comfortably against my shoulder as he carried on watching the movie in peace. What the hell, he, he didn't mind? I swallowed quietly and tried to focus on the movie rather than the thumping in my chest that began to accelerate. It wasn't that I felt flustered or anything I was just shocked and… I didn't know what it was but I needed to just relax, that was all.

We stayed pretty much in the same balmy position until the movie ended. Cartman, Kenny and Butters left before we decided to get up and that's when I realised Tweek had gotten a little sleepy despite his caffeine intake during the film. I carefully helped him to his feet and gathered our trash as he yawned.

"What time is it?" He asked me.

"I think it's about nine-thirty" I told him. He woke up a little more and wiped the sleep from his glossy eyes. We walked out, Tweek ahead of me and I took the opportunity to feel my chest. My heartbeat was finally backing down to normal, what a relief.

Once we were outside the cold hit us like bricks and I could hear Tweek's teeth chatter away like grinded ice and then I spotted the three watchful figures stood by the trash cans.

"Go warm the truck up, I'll meet you in a minute" I told Tweek before chucking him the keys. He nod his head and hurried to my dad's truck. Once he was out of sight I turned towards Cartman.

"That was alright Craig, you're lucky Tweek's such an idiot for you or you wouldn't be getting this" he placed sixty bucks in my hands and I scowled at him.

"You promised me more than this" I grouched.

"Yeah, not for one date loser. Keep this consistent and you might even get a raise… What do you want to spend my birthday money on anyway?"

I put the roll of notes in my pocket and adjusted my hat. "My own car, I've been saving up for a while now. But that's not really any of your business."

"Whatever, just keep it coming and you'll be able to drive your own car. I stand by my word."

Once again I overlooked him and jogged back to the truck where Tweek was settled, already in his seat belt. I hopped in next to him and clipped on my own before I started up the car again.

"That movie was great, huh?" He remarked happily.

"Yeah, not bad Tweek" I agreed. I began to drive him back to his house and fortuitously it had stopped snowing so we both felt a little safer on the road but this time I chose what we listened to on the radio which was of course the rock station. I don't think Tweek minded and he didn't twitch at all on the way back which was always a positive sign.

We came to a halt outside Tweek's magenta-brick house and he turned to face me.

"Thank you" he began "I had fun, we haven't hung out in a while so yeah, thanks." Something about his voice didn't sound genuine, it sounded quiet and melancholy.

"It's okay. You looked pretty tired earlier, you gonna go straight to bed?" I questioned and wondered if he was still the same insomniac I knew from a while ago.

"Ha, probably not I still have trouble sleeping I guess. I just get so tired and relaxed around you though, Craig."

"Funny. Am I that boring?" We both shared a chortle.

There was a moment of silence between us, an old Led Zeppelin song filling the car with ambience as Tweek stared down into his lap.

"Hey Craig..."

"Yeah?"

"Do you um… Does this mean we're friends again and stuff?" My heart dropped once I realised I didn't know how to answer that. I'm sure his did too.

"Something like that."

"Well… I hope we hang out a bit more, you know I never meant to scare you away forever. I missed you and- well…"

"I know, Tweek. It's okay, I don't hold anything against you. Now come on, I'll see you in school tomorrow."

I watched his smile widen as he got out of the truck and closed the door. He made his way up to the front door and rigidly turned around to wave at me. I had to admit it was sweet. But the amount of guilt I felt once he got out of my space was overwhelming and knowing there was dirty money from Cartman in my pocket made the feeling even worse.

Tweek obviously felt like it was his fault that we weren't friends anymore, I could tell that much and he was okay with taking on all the blame for that. I wasn't okay with it, the truth was that I gave up on our friendship without a reason and abandoned him with no justification. The truth was that I found something out about myself on the day I walked away from our friendship. Frightened, I got caught up in denial. If it wasn't for Cartman's money, I wouldn't have even spoken to Tweek again and that was sad, truly sad. My chest had never felt so heavy with infamy in my whole life. I pulled out a new cigarette and began to drive home.


	3. Reasons to Smile

**Chapter Three**

Reasons to Smile

* * *

The guilt I'd been feeling last night dissolved when I got a text from Wendy who told me how happy Tweek was when he called her that night. After seeing that, I actually cracked a smile to myself, at least I was causing some good out of this fake dating. That also reminded me that I needed to get Tweek's number, it would make meeting up with him more often a lot easier. When I'd gotten a new phone at fifteen, he never made his way into my new contacts.

My thoughts drifted along possible other ways to kill time during the week, I mean if just going to the movie made Tweek ecstatic then imagine what other things we could- wait, why did I care if he was happy? I just had to take him on a few lame dates then I'd get my money, that was all.

That brought me to my next issue. I couldn't fathom why but for some reason I'd been so, well, just not myself. Ever since I took Tweek back home I just couldn't stop thinking about him. Not in any particular context but I kept finding myself remembering how much fun we had as kids and how much elated I felt last night just going to a silly movie with him. But also guilty. It reminded me of the kind of unconditional happiness you feel when you're a careless child without responsibility, like me and Tweek as kids. Careless children.

When I awoke I had a quick shower and snatched a piece of toast on my way out to school as I decided to walk this morning. Clyde caught up with me at some point during my stroll; he was panting and his breath rolled out as cold mist in the winter air.

"Craig, dude." I crunched into a piece of my toast and flipped him off, he laughed and then continued to speak.

"Bebe is having a party in three weeks for after the winter dance, it's going to be a crazy house party, no parents, loads of alcohol, and, um, alcohol!" he clapped his hands in excitement.

"Cool" I deadpanned.

"You're not excited? It's nearly December, it's gonna be like ending the year with a bang."

"No way to end another shitty year like cheap alcohol and sweaty teenagers rubbing against each other."

"Ah come on, lighten up. Bebe is gonna be there you know..."

"Well it is her party."

"You're great at picking up girls Craig I need you there as my wingman, ugh, Bebe is so hot and funny and-"

"No, dude stop. I've already heard about this party from Kyle and you know how Bebe is, especially under the influence of alcohol. You'd have to have shoes flying out of your ass to ever score with her."

"That's not funny" I then laughed "seriously Craig, she's not a whore and she doesn't want my shoes anymore."

"If you say so" I brushed the bread crumbs off my palms and slipped my hands into my pockets. The morning was beautiful and peaceful besides Clyde's bumbling.

"I hope you come along though" Clyde told me. I didn't really see the point in going to another one of Bebe's house parties. True, everyone enjoyed them but I'd been to enough house parties to become bored of them now. What a waste of time and energy just for a terrible splitting headache in the morning.

"Maybe Red will be there" he nudged me with a grin "or Heidi, Leslie, Esther, hm?" I gripped the bridge of my nose and sighed exasperatedly.

"I get it, there's girls there. But you know I'm only interested in Bebe." I smirked back.

"Yes I- WHAT! Son of a bitch that's not fair!" He whacked my arm and I chuckled quietly.

"I'm only joking, I'm not feeling the whole hookups and dating thing at the moment, you get me? Especially Bebe" I explained as Clyde calmed down and nod in protective agreement.

"I understand."

We continued our leisurely walk to school. The white virgin sky spilled light all over the glimmering roads and houses, birds chirped in the distance while we talked about school and games, gossip and soccer. In the back of my mind I contemplated whether Tweek goes to house parties like that. After all, he seemed to be friends with Bebe but social situations- especially loud intense parties were never his scene. He could have changed though. I recalled his sass in the cafeteria the other day and remembered thinking that maybe he'd grown some bigger balls.

Clyde and I had our first class together in English so we continued chatting until Kenny invited himself into the conversation, he wrapped his arm around Clyde and babbled on about Bebe and her party with him. At least someone was interested about the party so Clyde could discuss it with them rather than me. My friends were such idiots when it came to chicks; the amount of times Clyde had been tricked and manipulated for new shoes was ridiculous. But South Park would forever stay the same so I just let them get on with it.

Our first break came round painfully slow but I managed to pack my textbooks and stationery and skillfully slither out of the room into the crowd to avoid Clyde and Kenny leeching off me with their gossip and Kenny's sordid lectures. Although, I didn't know what else I'd do instead. Maybe out the back for a quick smoke? Go find Token? Ah, who was I kidding, there was only one thing I wanted to do today, the reason I bothered to come into school rather than bunk another day in bed.

At the foot of the hallway I spied a pink beret and briskly made my way towards who could only be Wendy Testaburger. She greeted me with a smile again, though a little fonder than before and I noticed Stan was leaning against the lockers beside her, he smiled at me too and we shared a discreet hand gesture of sorts before Wendy finally started the conversation.

"Hey Craig, everything okay?" She chirped.

"Wait, you're not gonna ask me where my girlfriends are?" I feigned shock and she laughed.

"Nope, not anymore." What was that supposed to mean? I scratched the back of my neck and flickered my eyes over the people passing by around us.

"You wouldn't know where Tweek is would you?" I queried and her smile widened a little more.

"I think he's in the library freaking out over homework" Stan answered for her as he ghosted his arm around her waist and she elbowed him. They were such an item. I nod to both of them in appreciation and left towards the library. I had about half an hour till my next lesson which was woodwork, plenty of time to just… Well I wasn't too sure what I was going to Tweek yet, but it was enough time to get his number at least.

The school library was a pretty spacious and proud room with many sections for all genres and information. I enjoyed reading in my spare time, mostly old novels that still possess that dark and musty paper smell when you turn the pages but now and then I was guilty of scraping through my huge stacks of old Terrance and Phillip comics and magazines that I'd collect religiously and read with my friends years ago. That and my beloved space atlas.

I breezed through the large pillars of books and came to a halt when I caught a glimpse of tousled flaxen hair on the opposite aisle of books. Tweek was clearly searching for something particular. I watched the back of his head and wondered how long it would be until he felt me glaring at him through the gaps of the books. When Tweek was deciding on certain things or sifting through these books in this case, he tended to make little noises of aggravation in the back of his throat. I also recognised him humming the Led Zeppelin song we were listening to last night on the way home. I ran my fingers along the bookcase as I watched him. I was supposed to be thinking of something to say to him but everything had evacuated my head; all I could see in my mind was a warm sienna tone that glazed over my eyes. Tweek.

Expectantly, Tweek gradually began twitching his head to the side, his fingers bounced rapidly off the spines of the books he was browsing through. He pivoted round on his heels and squinted through the row of parchment until his tired eyes settled on me and I flashed him a modest smile.

"You know I can kind of sense when you're around it's like you have a GAH! Voodoo doll of me or something" Tweek began.

"Hey, no voodoo here, calm down" I held up my empty hands and he softened a little. "What do you have next?" I asked; I was trying to keep my cool.

"Um well, I have art next. Our class had a two week assignment to write three pages on art history about royal portraits, I-I don't know, oil painting or something. Man I hate these assignments they're just so GAH! Unnecessary, I need my coffee" he gestured to the table where his assignment and coffee stood. I picked up one of the books he'd dropped and followed him to the table before taking a seat opposite him. He set down his books and his fingers drummed hysterically over his flask of coffee. I had the urge to place my hands over his when they started trembling like that, the way I used to when he got nervous all those years ago but I held back against that instinct, it would probably be taken out of context.

"Tweek, if art is your next lesson why are you doing the homework now? I thought you had two weeks" I leaned my cheek against my palm and gazed at him knowingly. He groaned and bashed his forehead against the paper, a little harder than I anticipated.

"Oh God" he mumbled and then sat back up. "I'm so bad at doing homework. I can't sleep so you'd think I have loads of time to complete this shit but I just c-can't focus on anything you know? Everything's so goddamn difficult for me to understand. I suck at homework, Wendy usually has to help me." I supposed I was on the 'help Tweek with homework' duty now. But how could I not? I'd been observing the books Tweek had with him and what he'd already written and it was too easy to see him not finish it and get detention instead.

"Look" I started as I pulled out his assignment and pointed to the rows of what he'd already written. "You've done most of it already, your points are fine just maybe write in a straight line and stuff. It looks like you were drunk when you wrote this." Despite my bluntness, I was sure Tweek could agree that the scratchy waves of scribbles could be improved. Even if what he wrote was utter crap, I knew from experience that tidy writing was always favoured by teachers.

"AGH, I can't keep still when I write though, my hands just- vibrate" he squeaked. He had a point. I flipped to a list of facts page in one of his books and dragged my finger down the page before reaching for another pen.

"Look, we'll do this together, if anyone asks why there's two different styles just say you're practising new handwriting." I heard him mutter about 'pressure' again.

"O-okay but do you want to know what to write about?" he asked me.

"Nah, this is a pretty easy topic. I know what I'm gonna write for you."

"GAH! Easy for you to say! I guess you're still secretly that nerdy grade A student underneath your troublemaker act, huh?"

"Haha, and you're still the idiot who never does his homework."

"Dick."

"No seriously, I'm not dumb, I know you can get out of any late homework by twitching."

"I know you're not dumb Craig, you're incredibly anal."

"Anal?" I echoed. Tweek then blushed and narrowed his eyes at me.

With my help we managed to finish his homework in fifteen minutes whilst talking about random school and tv-related shenanigans. I brought up the fact he hangs out with girls a lot and how I didn't know he was such a ladies' man which he laughed nervously at me about and brushed the topic off, so I didn't bring it up again, but I also found out that Tweek wasn't so keen on Bebe's party either despite they were close. I was expecting that answer anyway.

Tweek packed his things away and flinched a little when he saw the large clock on the wall reading ten minutes till our next lesson. "Don't worry, we have plenty of time and you're all done" I assured him. All jokes earlier aside, I'd always felt bad for him that he was so stressed all the either made me want to squeeze the anxiety clean out of him or sit him down and light the poor bastard a cigarette; the second usually worked for me. He returned and nudged me out of my thoughts again. He stared into his flask with solemn and empty eyes.

"You want to go get more?" I offered. He nod his head timidly and we began to walk over to library's cafe where he bought another coffee. Black, of course.

Once he had his coffee I decided I'd walk him to his class, the art department wasn't too far. I'd be late to woodwork but I didn't really care, the class was pretty mundane anyway. He gazed patiently into the rich brown of his cup and inhaled the aroma, occasionally he stole a glance up at me with large green and blue eyes. Tweek had very subtle heterochromia; it was really stunning.

However, with the way he kept glancing up at me, I could guess he was waiting for me to start a conversation or ask him a question, uncomfortable with the silence.

"Hey Tweek, can I grab your number?" I asked as I scooped out my phone. He complied as if I'd never ask and quickly called out his number to me though sheepishly glancing around him so no one was listening. I thanked him once he finished taking mine and took a step closer to him. I felt his quickening breath fan over my neck and ever so gently brushed my fingertips against his, of course accidentally. His hands were extremely cold again.

"I'll um…" Crap, I was losing my focus "I'll call you later, maybe you have more homework you want to work on?"

"Yeah… I might do." He'd stopped twitching. Like in the movie theatre when he rested on my shoulder, I realised he was a lot more comfortable when people were closer to him. Or maybe just me? I didn't know, I didn't need to know.

It was only day two and the atmosphere was... far too strange.

* * *

 **A/N:** Thank you for the follows and favourites, it means a lot to me! I hope you're all enjoying your new year.


	4. Cold Hands

**Chapter Four**

Cold Hands

* * *

I found myself not being very good with this whole phone call thing. Usually when I bribed a number I'd call the girl within a couple of hours and arrange to meetup. But Tweek was not a girl and I actually felt nervous. My palms were becoming all clammy and that never happened often. Was this how girls feel when they were waiting for me to call them?

I'd gotten no trouble from Cartman so far which was always good. He'd bought himself an incredibly expensive drone somehow and was probably preoccupied with flying it around the neighbourhood. I was glad not to be disturbed by him though, meeting Tweek now seemed less pressurising.

Speaking of which, tonight I got a text from the culprit himself finally asking me to meet up tomorrow after school. I waited ten minutes till I replied to tell him that would be great. (Had to keep it cool, Craig.) It was just as well that he text me when he did because me and Kyle had football practice for most of the day; we had a big game coming up in a few weeks just after the winter dance.

Kyle joined me in the locker rooms, panting manically and laughing as he caught me step out of the shower with a towel around my waist. "That was great" he grinned as he squeezed his bottle of water directly into his throat and I nod in agreement though probably not as enthusiastic.

"Best practice this month I bet" Kyle add and I continued to get dressed while checking my phone every now and then. "You waiting for your boyfriend to text?" I froze.

"Fuck, no" I grouched back at him and he laughed awkwardly before heading off to the showers. Did I look that eager? That wasn't cool, I needed to tone it down a bit.

I sighed and pulled on my hat as I left the locker rooms and head outside. It was the end of the day and everyone was diverting out of the building into the blanket of snow on the ground outside. I drove my dad's truck to school this morning since it does better on icy roads than the car and I unlocked it from a distance, my teeth chattering as I glanced around the parking lot.

To my bewilderment, Tweek was leaning against the back of my truck, clutching his bag for warmth; he shivered in the snow. What an idiot, but I was glad to see him; meeting up with him had been ticking round my mind all day for some reason. He was also carrying two cups of beverages and nearly threw them out of his hands when he saw me. The shuddering had dissipated and I watched him warmly as the corner of his lips blessed me with a grin.

"Craig" he beamed. I faintly returned the smile and gestured to the passenger's seat for him.

"You crazy bastard what are you doing stood in the snow?" I asked, climbing into the driver's seat myself.

"I was waiting for you, I'm guessing you had soccer all day because I didn't see you at lunch and stuff" he passed me one of the cups he was holding and gazed shyly into his lap. Fuck, I hated coffee. I took a small sip out of any politeness I had to realise it was hot chocolate and smiled inwardly to myself. What a... sweetheart?

"Am I dropping you back home Tweekers?" I asked him.

"T-Tweekers?" He stammered.

"Oh, ha, yeah remember I used to call you that a lot. Don't know, fell off my tongue. But I don't mind driving you home I'd rather you not freeze to death."

"Y-yeah you can but I was hoping we could um, hang out? I-if you're not busy that is."

"You got homework I need to do?" I laughed.

"No. But I have Infinite Warfare on PS4."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Well if it's not shitty Xbox I don't mind." He beamed again and so it was decided that we'd go to his house and play video games.

We drove while chatting about our day and listening to the rock station once again until I pulled up into his empty driveway. He lead me up to the door and turned the key to let us in. Instantly that sentimental aroma of childhood hit my nostrils. It smelled of bike tires, fresh cookies out of the oven and coffee. It smelled of lost happiness, of Tweek.

"You… Gonna come in?" Tweek questioned. I hadn't realised I was stood frozen in the doorway, the heat escaping. I closed the door and dawdled in the living room as I waited for Tweek to put his bag down and not surprisingly make himself a coffee before anything happened. My mouth was watering acutely for a cigarette but I suppressed the urge, knowing Tweek mightn't appreciate it at all. He probably thought I'd become such a loser.

My palms were sweating as I felt him saunter back into the room and organize his PS4 as he sipped on the coffee he'd made. This was so lame, this was so lame, this was so lame, this was-

"Idiot, sit down" Tweek interrupted my train of thought and I took a seat on the couch before I removed my hat only to spot Tweek's teeth sparkling at me barely a foot away. To my bewilderment, he reached up and ran his fingers through my hair. I froze once I felt the contact, my Adam's apple bobbed in my throat as I swallowed anxiously. Tweek usually wasn't so forward... It had been years since he touched my hair like that.

"Your hair is a lot longer since we last hung out" he noted airily. That was true. When I was working out and not wearing my hat I would have to tie my hair back in a small ponytail.

"Yours is still the same" my voice cracked a little and apparently he found that amusing so I nudged him playfully and we proceeded to play Infinite Warfare.

To my contradiction, just the two of us became more entertaining than going out. Tweek wasn't twitching or stuttering at all and there was no sight of annoyances such as Cartman and Kenny. I was genuinely enjoying myself though I kind of felt sick, a good kind of sick that made me feel like if I was going to throw up, I'd throw up poetry, endless stanzas of poetry.

However, the bliss of ease could not last forever and stress started to root its way in, pound against my brain and ring through my ears. Unlike Tweek, coffee couldn't quite quench the thirst for me and I instinctively reached into my pocket to trace the tobacco cylinder. Suddenly, Tweek's hand reached out away from his controller and he placed it on my pocket. He was gazing into my eyes as I gazed into his that screamed "no, you'll be okay" though he twitched ever so slightly. It saddened me so I pulled my hand out and and huffed.

"Asshole" I muttered and he laughed, his hand still rested on my thigh and I could feel my skin crawl beneath it. Tweek was meant to be the nervous wreck, not me. I was cool, cool, I was-

"Craig" Tweek closed his eyes and smiled as he squeezed my hand. Then as I noticed he was holding my hand, I didn't let go. "You seemed a bit nervous, this usually helps me." It seemed to help me too.

"You know" he began "yesterday I dug up an old photo album, there's a lot of photos of you in there, and us together."

"That sounds horrifying" I replied.

"Not at all! They're cute, a lot from before you had that famous growth spurt."

"God no."

Tweek giggled and switched the TV off after he let go of my hand. It felt colder. He rushed towards the side table and pulled out the infamous book from the draw. His small hands started to slip through the empty pages until photos began to appear and the blond's face lit up with wistfulness and glee.

"Here's at Stan's tenth birthday party... Haha look how posh your hairstyle was man." Tweek chortled.

"Shut up."

"I think Clyde took this one" Tweek pointed to a photo that was partially obscured by Clyde's finger but it was of me and Tweek holding hands, Token and Jimmy beside us smiling and posing while both of us were smiling at each other, oblivious to our surroundings. The memory hit me like a brick, how could I forget about that? Of course back then it was just holding hands… I thought nothing of it besides the innocence of linking fingers as we walk. But no wonder holding Tweek's hand made me feel so content, it was like holding a flashback of a moment, a moment lost in time and teenage misery.

Holding hands became a recurring theme so much so that the urge to hold his hand right now was quite prevalent but his hands were occupied turning the pages of the photo album which we continued to browse through, passing more pictures of us and old friends I didn't converse with anymore; all like childish scenes from a movie. We were all so stoked to grow up, to fall in love, to learn to drive, go to college and get drunk but it's never quite the fairy tale you imagine. I could tell most people at school were following that route perfectly but me and Tweek, we were stuck in this warp of time where nothing moved forward unless we were together, nothing made sense without Tweek. I lost my memories, I lost my friends, my talents and my ambitions were sucked dry but when I was around this shivering specimen of loud noises and cold hands, my muse, I was home and young, the pessimism fades from my composure.

"Remember when we made out in that tree house" Tweek snorted loudly upon a photo of Kenny and Token waving from up in the old tree house. Judging from the crooked angle and blur I could tell it was a photo Tweek had taken.

"Hey, I was having really intense thoughts there" I told him as I rubbed the back of my neck and frowned "and I don't remember that Tweek, you're lying."

"Dude I'm being serious, everyone has their first kiss in that tree house. Well, my first kiss was actually a girl in our class but ignore that right, we was totally gay in there"

"Gay? I think not" Tweek seemed a little taken aback from that statement.

"Okay we didn't make out, it was more like a peck then we ran off in separate directions."

"See, that sounds a little more historically accurate."

"Historical? It was only a few years ago, Craig, you know we're still kids really." Still kids, yeah.

Tweek closed the book and sighed intently. His lips curved in thought, his beautiful icy lips. "I have some old Terrance and Phillip DvDs, you wanna blast 'em?" He asked me and I nod in response "sorry it's so boring here though."

"It's perfect" I told him and his cheeks diluted into pink that he tried to conceal as he found the Terrance and Phillip DvD.

I was being honest, I couldn't think of anything better right now in this moment than getting to sit directly inside my happy years with Terrance and Phillip and of course Tweek, my beloved and missed best friend. Our hands found their way around each other once again and I gave his tepid knuckles a gentle squeeze.

Eventually I heard light snoring against my shoulder as well as dribble finding its way down Tweek's chin and onto my shirt. I couldn't help but find it funny as I assessed the situation and decided what to do. Carefully I tucked my arms under his legs and behind his neck, lifting him towards me and up off the couch. Though he was smaller than me, he was just as heavy and carrying him was not without struggle. The sight must've looked ridiculous.

I held onto him tightly and made my way up the staircase until I spied his bedroom at the end of the hallway and entered the mess itself. The delinquent had left many a tripping, slipping and sharp hazards strewn across the floor, clothes and books complete with overdue homework. It looked like homework wasn't the only thing I needed to help Tweek organize but at least his bed was clear of any obstacles so I laid him down and wrapped the blanket around him. Crazy, he hadn't stirred at all. In fact, it was shocking that he even fell asleep this early. Usually Tweek was tossing and turning for hours, but I guess miracles happen.

I leaned against his mattress and observed his chest rise and fall. There's a certain feeling that you just admire something so much that in your head, it's just too precious for this world of egotism and cruelty. Those feelings for this sight right now were inconsistent but still there. I wanted to embrace him and squeeze him and say "thank you" again and again. But why would I want that? I wanted to not want all that, I wanted to stop having these thoughts, I wanted to go home, I wanted a cigarette and a long sleep.

I rose to my feet and let free a sigh before I head for the front door and practically jogged to my truck, the cold was slicing into my pale skin during the journey. I pulled out a much deserved Marlboro and placed it between my lips. I inhaled deeply as soon as the end turned to ash under the lighter. Suppress, suppress, suppress. Let the feelings suppress.

I checked my phone for the first time tonight and noticed another intimidating text from Cartman lurking in my inbox.

Fat bastard: 60 bucks, aren't you doing great? Keep it up my fairy friend.

I was... the worst.


	5. Dreamlike

**Chapter Five**

Dreamlike

* * *

I flickered open my eyes and in focuses a figure, his eyes simpered at me in the soft blue light of the room. He giggled and I was about to ask why he was there until I felt a cold hand slide into my underwear and I hissed at the contact. It felt like his hand was diving straight through the flesh of my astral body.

"Tweek..." I groaned and I could feel him tease me beneath the restricting fabric, he encased one of his legs around me. At this point I wasn't overthinking the situation like I would normally and Tweek ran his hands up my chest, he jumped on top of me and pressed himself against my crotch. It was absolute torture.

He bobbed down to kiss and leech on my neck as he continued to grind roughly against me and all I could do was whine in euphoria, place my hands tightly on his hips and succumb to his lips trailing up to my ear. I heard him breath hotly against me. "Oh Craig you're hard…" Tweek whispered in surprise and if this were any other time I would have told him how obvious his statement was but instead I could only but reply with another groan and I reached for my underwear, I brushed my fingertips down Tweek's abdomen and thighs as I went to discover he was already fully nude. I needed to get them off right away.

My alarm screamed, loud and intrusive of my dream. I sat up in bed and rubbed the back of my neck, a yawn escaped as I checked the time. "What the fuck."

My bed was empty, there was no one beside, under or on top of me but I could feel a slight damp patch beneath me and I cursed again under my breath. I had a god damn wet dream didn't I? I hadn't had one of those since I was fifteen! This was awful. I could remember the images so vividly like it actually happened and I knew now it would bug me all day if I was thinking about having sex, much less with Tweek of all the people I could dream about. However, it wasn't as if this were the first wet dream I'd had about another guy.

I clambered out of bed and stripped it of the sheets before discreetly shoving them into the washing basket in the hallway and jumping into a hot shower. I needed to wash this off me, forget it happened. So the overthinking tumbled in again...

I rested my body against the tiles as my brain went over and over Tweek's lips against my neck. Why would I dream of him that way? I'd never dreamt of having sex with someone I knew; I heard dreams were often caused by thoughts, right? So had I been thinking of Tweek that often and in that context? Absurd.

I remembered I tucked him into bed the night before and gazed at his lips; I was sitting beside him and watching him sleep for a little longer than I should of. Maybe it was something as simple as this that brought the sordid dream on. Whatever it was, not touching myself was currently taking a lot of restraint. School was going to be hell I knew that much.

When I stepped out of the shower I saw that I'd missed a call from Tweek, so after calming myself enough to talk to him I called him back and he answered pretty quickly.

"Oh, GAH, hey Craig" I felt like yelling "GAH!" myself right now.

"What's up, y-you need a lift?" I stuttered for some reason.

"No I just uh, I don't remember you leaving last night and to be honest I don't remember getting in my bed… So if I fell asleep I'm sorry."

I couldn't help but curve my lips into a smile as I thought about how overbearingly sweet Tweek was, apologising for such silly things. He interrupted my thoughts with a chuckle.

"Did you carry me into bed or something, Craig?" he laughed almost mockingly and I felt my cheeks redden and my face heat up.

"Ha, no, weirdo" I stammered over the phone and heard him smile again sigh.

"I'll see you later" and he hung up. I felt like mourning for his voice again but the feeling died down and I focused on getting changed.

School started slowly and I recognised two prying blue eyes gazing up at me through an orange parka throughout the whole of class, in fact it was pretty annoying and I lost my focus many times. I was good at math, but avoiding a hard was not my strong point.

When math class finished, the culprit was waiting for me outside class, he was leaning against the wall with a lollipop lulling in his mouth.

"McCormick what do you want?" I groaned, not at all in the mood for his antics.

"Not much dude just that your huge boner was practically waving at me in class" he quipped and my face boiled up as I looked down to my crotch in horror to realise there wasn't a bulge and I didn't have a boner. I looked back up to Kenny who was laughing and holding his chest.

"You should have seen your face! Man, you're actually worried about that aren't you? Wanna tell me why?" He nudged my shoulder and I pushed him away.

"Don't talk shit. Now if you don't need anything I'm off-"

"Ah, but I have money for you" he held out an envelope "Cartman says you need to take Tweek out on another date tonight and here's the reward. I owe you a dollar for my lollipops though."

Tonight? Why was Cartman always in such a hurry? It was crazy how suspicious it all seemed. This wasn't even a bet this was just straight up payment for taking a friend out on dates. What was Cartman getting out of it? But I didn't question it further, I squinted at the envelope and reached out my hand before I pulled it back again. An obvious guilt was stopping me from taking the notes, all of a sudden my priorities were beginning to change. A week ago I would've snatched it no question but something during the last few days had changed and I was reluctant to receive a "reward" for making Tweek happy. I was sure he wouldn't be happy at all if he knew I was doing this.

"You can't back out now" Kenny reminded me "but if you don't want the money I'd gladly take it..."

"You'd take anything" I told him as I grabbed the money out of his hand and inhaled the feelings of remorse deep in the back of my head. He chuckled and began to walk away before I stopped him.

"Where do you suggest I take Tweek? You know, I don't usually get to a third date"

"You could take him into your room, into your bed?" He smirked.

"I'm being serious"

"Ok, the shower then?"

"Nevermind" I began to make my way down the hall to English class when he caught up with me and began to explain something.

"I think Tweek's kind of like Butters. Neurotic, shy… Blond… But also reminiscent you know? So I took Butters to the seaside and a shitty tiki-themed motel. It was all I could afford but somehow it made him really happy. It reminded him of when we went to Hawaii together as kids" I watched as Kenny gazed at the floor fondly, passion glittered in his eyes and I almost couldn't believe it. Arguably the most obnoxious pervert in school was here talking about something that meant the world to him.

Kenny held the silence for a few moments before he shook his head and grinned up at me "that's also coincidentally where he lost his virginity." I pushed him away and rolled my eyes. Trust him to ruin a moment.

"Basically you're saying I should take him to somewhere from our childhood?" I asked and Kenny nod.

"Only if that's your goal though. When I took Butters to the beach I wanted to spend time with him and make him happy. Believe it or not I didn't want to just waste some time or get him in bed. I wanted to do something meaningful because I care about him. I suggest if you're taking Tweek on a date because you have nothing better to do or for Cartman's sake then go see another movie, don't give the poor guy false hope" and with that he left.

I was stunned to be honest. Never had I expected wise words to fall from Kenny McCormick's mouth, but they did and I understood every syllable. He was right, I'd have to put some thought and effort into this date tonight. I couldn't just throw him in an intimate situation with the opposite intentions. I guessed I had a few hours to sort out my conflict and decide whether I was in this for the money or for Tweek.

I sent him a text that instructed him to come to mine after school. I'd need the rest of the day to think of what to do with him.

* * *

Some time after school I heard a knock at my door and there stood Tweek in a green coat, his hair messed and his hands shoved into his pockets. He smiled up at me as I began to put my boots on.

"Oh, we're going out?" Tweek queried and I nod my head before placing my hand on his back and leading him out of the door again into the backyard where I'd polished and replenished the tires of my old bike. He looked at me with a puzzled expression and I chuckled.

"We're gonna go riding round Stark's pond" I told him.

"Really?" He giggled "why?" I had to think.

"Because… Well… We used to do that as kids and I miss being a kid with you, Tweek." His cheeks turned rosy pink.

"W-what am I gonna ride?" He asked me and I gestured to my bike.

"Unless you want to push me around then you're riding on the back of me, I'm doing the pedalling."

"I… Oh Jesus, okay, I'll take the back." Good choice.

I pushed the bike out of the snow and onto the road before I hopped on and Tweek sat on the edge, his arms wrapped around my abdomen like ribbons and his chest was pushed up against my back. I shivered and it wasn't from the cold. I couldn't say the same for Tweek though.

"You cold?" I questioned.

"Kind of… Just my ears and face really" he replied.

"Well I don't know about your face but…" I pulled off my hat and placed it over his flaxen nest and he blushed again; Once his teeth had finished chattering, I smiled warmly at him before we finally took off down the road.

His arms tightened around me and I knew I shouldn't have thought of such things whilst riding on an icy road but my brain went back to my dream where Tweek's hands were all over me. My back, my chest, my shoulders and face. As he gripped onto me for safety and perhaps warmth those flashbacks were triggered. However, I kept a stern and steady focus ahead of me and we continued to glide through the fresh air. I swore that I felt him nuzzle my back and it warmed me knowing he was comfortable and hopefully that he was enjoying himself.

We turned onto the banks of Stark's pond and continued up the muddy track through the forest of snow-capped pine trees. I hadn't cycled this route for years but I was pretty sure that both me and Tweek knew where we were heading and the best part of this all was that we were completely alone in the calm tranquillity of tall green trees, birdsong and the alpine pond side. No flashing images on a movie screen, no large crowds or fear of intrusive parents. Just us and the wind that embraced our faces.

I reverted back to what Kenny said and browsed the view around me to see the zen of Stark's pond and I realized that this was what Tweek would appreciate from me.

Another ten minutes passed and I stopped the bike. I felt Tweek lean his chin against my shoulder and smile "our spot" he murmured dreamily. I waited for him to jump off the seat before I followed suit.

We both approached the waterside and sat on the bank, a bit of distance between us that I was eager to close. The wind gently sloshed the water against the pond's bank as I passionately observed Tweek hug his knees against his chest and inhale the fresh air. There was a sad, contemplative look about him and I could tell he'd been keeping a positive strain on his face until now.

"Are you okay?" I asked him and he sighed. I took the opportunity to edge closer towards him, sincerely hoping that he'd confide in me.

"Yeah I just…" he trailed off "I'm just so overwhelmed" it was an odd thing to hear, or was it?

"Why is that?" I wondered aloud.

"I don't know. I missed you, Craig" he took a moment to peer up into my eyes "a lot. I'm a loner without you. I don't have many friends besides the girls. But even Wendy wouldn't appreciate this with me" he motioned to the surface of the pond and mountains before he sighed again. "I'm so happy that we're spending time together even though it's not even been two weeks. I haven't felt this… free since we were kids but at the same time I'm really sad that it took you so long."

I bit my lip almost too harsh. I had no words, he was right.

"Hey Craig, can I pinch a smoke?" Tweek asked quietly. My eyes widened and I scanned his expression for the punchline but he was serious.

"No way am I gonna be responsible for such a disgusting habit" I told him after I buried my hands in my pockets protectively. I always had my cigarettes in my pocket but I hadn't thought of smoking one all day, not with that dream stuck on replay in my head anyway.

He nestled his chin into his arms and gazed out over the skin of the water that reflected the sunset, a rich combination of peach and lilac.

"Idiot, I'm not a child" he muttered. The statement hit me close to home and I sighed before releasing my grip on the lights.

"No, no you're not" I smiled softly at him and passed him a smoke, I lit the end from his mouth before tending to my own and we both dangled our legs peacefully above the still water, ringlets of smoke waltzing with each other into the cold air. A comfortable silence bar the small sound Tweek made in his throat to conceal the cough.

"You know it's funny we go to the same school, live so close together yet we drifted so far apart" he paused to toke again and admire the beauty of the sunset while I admired the beauty of his face, his eyebrows pursed in thought.

"And yet… We were always so close together. We've gone back to this happy moment that I've been... Well, preserving... for want of a better word. Face it, we can't coexist without each other around to piss off and that's why you're my best friend Craig, you always will be. That's why you've come back, right?" Something was gripping my chest tightly and the dry, suffocating taste of smoke wasn't aiding to relieve it.

"I get what you mean, we were both on the same planet together but in entirely different worlds" I added as I flicked my crushed butt into the shrubs. It was the best way I could word it. Tweek stole a glance at me and smiled.

"You're in my world now" he almost whispered and I felt my cheeks redden, though I couldn't exactly pinpoint why, just the way he said it and the way he looked at me as he did so had blood rushing all over my body. He turned his attention back to the horizon and I admired him, his endearing face that glowed in the soft pink light of the sky and of course, he was wearing my hat. I could've lost it. I could've lost myself right there and then. It wouldn't have taken a second; no one would've known.

My head was spinning and screaming logic at me while my hands twitched and my chest told me to act upon my gripping impulse. After Tweek had crumbled his cigarette butt on the floor I shifted even closer to him until our elbows touched which successfully caught his attention.

I ran my fingertips down the woollen braids of my chullo hat that rested rather neatly on him as I kept my eyes transfixed onto his. I pulled the braids of the hat gently towards me and his head complied till our noses grazed one another and I felt his cold breath tickle my cheeks and become increasingly shorter. I wasted no time to capture his lips and then, I kissed him.

I kissed him tenderly and our lips cushioned against each other, eyes closed with my hands still weakly gripping the braids. Tweek's hands trembled in his lap and I could tell his face was heating up. I broke away and took my time to examine my work. His face was indeed slightly pink, outlined with the sunset, his lips still parted.

I was about to open my mouth to speak but I was interrupted by Tweek who jostled me back against the bank, his eyes glistened as he bowed down to kiss me again. This time I felt his lips move a little more and his hands brush over my bangs. I couldn't help but instinctively kiss back, this time my hands rested on his arms. Was I dreaming again? It sure felt like it.

Though I didn't really understand what it felt like, there was no other way to describe it other than a bittersweet tightness in my chest and that it felt right kissing Tweek. It felt more natural than kissing any girl had and somewhere in my left brain, that scared me. But I didn't have enough time to think about that until I gently gripped his arms and brought us back up into a sitting position. My hands rested on his knees as I continued to morph my face against his, only pulling away for air.

His mouth tasted of smoke and coffee and the soft murmurs he made were only dragging me back to my dream. I had to pull away again before I got too invested in the thoughts… At this point I didn't care that I was blushing profoundly and I could tell Tweek could see.

I gazed at him quietly and simpered. I'd been smiling a lot, something I rarely did.

"I had a dream about you" I confessed and Tweek cocked his head to the side.

"What was it about?" He whispered, tilted against my shoulder as he gazed out at South Park beneath the mountains from across the water.

I stroked his back and sighed contently. "Well you know... This and that. You may have been naked?" I felt him stir and begin to form a frown.

"Naked?" He echoed.

"Uh, yes."

"Pervert…" He muttered beneath his breath. I sat up to face him.

"The point is I've been thinking about you all day, Tweekers and I don't know why I just kissed you. I'm not even gay but..." I didn't know what to say "I…" he looked at me expectantly. Where was I going with it? What was I doing? My hands and my lips just told Tweek that I cared about him yet what I was about to say did the exact opposite... False hope. Like the idiot I was, I was about to do exactly what Kenny advised me not to do.

The blond inspected my eyes hopefully, flustered from the kiss and optimistic that he might've changed something in me. Even if he had, I wasn't willing to show him this. I let him go. "I should probably take you home" I told him bluntly as I rose to my feet.

"Oh… okay" he seemed disappointed but still followed me and mustered a half-assed smile. I could tell that my moment of clarity was lost. Regret and poignancy was starting to sink in and I was desperate to get Tweek home so I too could go home and then wallow in guilt.

He jumped on the seat behind me and once again curled his arms around me. As I pedalled through the forest, I felt his hand reach up and caress my face. I nuzzled into his palm, his cold fingers. My heart and my head were conspiring against me I swear to God… I was beginning to feel incredibly conflicted. As if I hadn't been conflicted in some way my whole life.

I dropped him off home as it got darker and I kissed him again in the driveway, he didn't complain. He kept my hat too.

I cycled home and slumped onto my bed before clutching Stripe to my chest and petting him as I glazed over my evening with Tweek. Kenny was right about it all, there was no denying that. But I didn't know what I felt for Tweek. I was a dumbass and I couldn't even tell if I was just caught up in the moment, subconscious side-effects of Cartman's bet or if I really truly felt something deeper than friendship for my old companion. Sleep was going to be harsh that night.


	6. Clarification

**Chapter Six**

Clarification

* * *

Honestly, I needed someone to talk to.

I couldn't proceed advancing on my relationship with Tweek only to avoid him for days after, that wasn't fair on him. But my confidence was so indecisive, no, delicate, and I just couldn't face him after opening myself up so wide.

It was during soccer practice that my mind drifted to who I could talk to about this subject and I made a mental list of all the possible candidates between battling other players in the field.

I couldn't ask Kenny. Though he'd gifted me with some heartfelt advice he was apart of this plan with Cartman, no doubt he was getting paid too. Everyone knew McCormick would do anything for money. So anyway, I didn't want Cartman to know what I've done with Tweek- telling Kenny would most likely lead to that.

I massaged my temples furiously.

I briefly thought of Wendy before I realised Tweek had probably told her about us already since they were close. Token or Clyde crossed my mind but I didn't want them to assume I was gay when I didn't even know what I was myself yet.

And there it was, my entire list of friends and yet I couldn't talk to any of them. Some friends, huh?

Soccer practice was soon over and I was given a hostile lecture from coach. He told me to stop drifting and when I told him that I had a lot on my mind, which was true, he told me to "man the fuck up." Jesus, what did that even mean? I got enough of those kind of insults from my dad and I couldn't say that coach put me in a better mood than I was before, or even eased the tension as opposed to made it worse.

"Dude, you alright?" Kyle asked me as we began to change again. We had such brief small talk in the changing rooms and it was pretty much the only times we would converse but Broflovski had a considerate and caring nature about him while still keeping it cool, I liked that.

"I'm fine" I lied "just pissed off today." When wasn't the infamous sullen Craig Tucker not pissed off? Kyle probably thought.

"Yeah… Well, more so than usual" the redhead replied.

"It's coach, always on my fucking ass" I growled.

"You're our star player though man, he's got to be harsh on you."

"Pft, well, it's his fault I'm annoyed now anyway."

Kyle paused for a moment and the corners of his mouth slowly eased upwards. "It's not really coach who's got you all shitty is it?" He almost sounded patronizing.

I sighed.

"Is it that easy to tell?" I practically admitted to him. He nod in response.

"Look, we can go get coffee after school if you like, I'm free." He told me and I quirked an eyebrow at him cautiously. "I'm an open book, trust me."

"Alright, I'll meet you at the gates."

"Tweak bros?"

"No!" He was taken aback by my abruptness. "... Starbucks would be better, I mean."

"Okay, champ."

I clearly needed to stop being so covert about the mention of Tweek because it wasn't helping my case. Plus, I wasn't sure why Kyle would be so chill about listening to my problems but it made sense to me that he was someone I could confide in. Kyle was the most astute boy in our year by far, the wisest and I dare say the most mature. He could've probably taken what I had to say without making fun of it like most of my other "friends" would.

He smiled at me cheerfully and grabbed his bag before leaving. I took my time, math could wait.

* * *

With his freckled hands wrapped around a java, Kyle snorted at my choice of beverage.

"Sweet tooth much?" He observed my double hot chocolate with cream and marshmallows, all the trimmings.

"I'm not big on coffee coffee" I said dryly. He seemed amused by this.

We sat in complacent silence for a while, silence was always comfortable for me. We watched the flakes of snow cream the town through the large windows of the cafe as we sipped on our hot drinks.

May as well get it over with I thought.

"Kyle…" I started. He looked to me sincerely. "Have you ever had feelings for someone you probably shouldn't?"

"What kind of feelings?"

"I can't be sure really. This person has always been important to me even though we didn't talk for years. We've only ever been friends but, I don't know, I have feelings for them, I think."

"Yeah, I guess I've felt that before. But why shouldn't you have feelings for them? What's wrong with dating a friend? If you have a girl who you get on with really well then surely that's the best relationship to have."

And that's where he noticed my hesitation, me biting my lip at the mention of a 'girl.' His eyebrows raised in surprise but he didn't laugh or mock me, he placed his coffee down and smirked a little.

"This isn't a girl, is it?" There we went again with the subtle condescending tone. I sighed in response. "If you're gay, it's cool" He told me.

"I'm not gay" I cut defensively.

"Alright, alright. Maybe you're bi."

I sat back in the armchair and spared a minute to ponder his speculation. I hadn't really considered that possibility before.

"Maybe. But it's not like I've ever had a crush on a guy before though. Just him."

"Can I ask who it is?"

"No."

Kyle chuckled "Okay then. Well, does he know you like him?"

"Most likely... But you can probably guess I'm not that open about my feelings."

Kyle took a moment to collect his thoughts as he drummed his fingers over the coffee mug. I regretted most of this conversation at this point.

"Right, the best thing I can suggest is talking it out with this guy. I know, I know, that sounds terrifying, especially for you but what have you got to lose? Life really is too short to not explore yourself Craig, something really good might come out of this. If not then you just remain friends and that's cool too. I'm sorry I can't be a better help but I don't know who this guy is, you probably know what his reaction will be better than I do."

I mulled over his explanation and thought deeply about it. He was true, very true. The answer was so simple, any lonely idiot could give that kind of relationship advice, I was just a coward.

"Have you ever had feelings for a guy?" I questioned, out of curiosity.

"No... but if the womanizer of South Park can drop all of that for a dude then anything can happen" he winked at me.

* * *

Tweek came round my house on Saturday night to play video games with me as usual. He insisted that hanging out at his house was the ignition to fire of his parents' cooing at us like they did to every male friend Tweek would bring to his house. What caffeine-rigged weirdos... But I couldn't say this house wasn't any less mad. My father was quite old fashioned; should he know that I kissed a boy, he'd be furious. At least he and my mother weren't around right now to know anyway.

However, tonight wasn't simply another round of ps4. I wanted to get something off my chest that had been spinning in my mind since I started seeing Tweek which can't be any more than two weeks at this point. I had a fair few questions and I'm sure he did too. The heart to heart with Kyle had given me a little reassurance.

My dad may not approve of homosexuality but he didn't mind if I drink, smoke or have meaningless sex with women, you know, "manly" things. So he'd often leave me beer and I took out a rack for me and Tweek in hope it might take the edge off our conversations. To my surprise he didn't hesitate at all and quickly downed his first can as fast as I opened mine. I chuckled, there was a lot I didn't know about Tweek after such time apart.

"This is gluten free right?" He asked cautiously "I don't want my dick flying off." Funny, I wasn't used to Tweek cursing so casually.

"Sure Tweekers" I answered him, taking a long sip of my own.

Was it too soon to question him? I observed his face. He had a dusting of orange freckles across his cheeks; his tongue was poking through his lips in concentration as he pounded the controller with his thumbs and eventually groaned at his failure on the game which broke my gaze and made me realise I was staring quite intensely.

"Tweek" I began as he took a sip of his second can "can I try something?" he looked at me and cocked his eyebrow.

"Yeah, what is it?" I bowed forward and gently pulled the controller out of his hands, my nose brushed against his and I resisted the urge to grin when I felt his cheeks heat up. I kissed him softly and placed my hands on his hips.

My heart was racing and my hands were convulsing. I never felt this amateurish kissing girls. Kissing Tweek wasn't unpleasant but for some reason I just didn't want him to think I sucked at it or something, I felt like I did.

Despite my uncertainty I continued to kiss him a little harder, until his head gently hit the cushions on the couch and I was in the familiar position of being on top of him and I felt him softly bite my bottom lip which startled me, I'm sure he heard me squeak quietly in response.

He pulled back, beaming up at me and caressing my cheeks gingerly with those cold, soft fingers. "You're so cute" he whispered. I felt an odd mixture of insulted and flattered, my cheeks suddenly flared up.

"Shut up" I almost laughed as I pressed my lips against his own once more; my hands squeezed his hips more firmly. I felt him slide his fingertips up the back of my neck which commanded the hairs to stand to attention as he raked his fingers through my hair and pulled out the hair band keeping it all black tresses fell across my face.

I felt my palms become clammy and his breath quickened in my mouth. This was also a familiar feeling, or thought. It just seemed more passionate than I'd known. I'd almost forgotten about the questions I had lined up for the blond I was ravishing beneath me right now. My head was beginning to cloud with colors and the sound of Tweek as his fingers brushed past my ear with the tenuous moans he made against my lips. I was engulfed.

I broke the kiss and took a deep breath to gaze at the flushed, hazy glow of Tweek's face and his now swollen lips. I smiled at him and stroked his hair before sitting us both up and caressing his arms. I couldn't kiss him anymore than I had, I'd have definitely gone further and I wasn't ready for that, nor was he... probably. I was still so perplexed about this boy before me.

"Hey… Can I ask you something?" I said as I felt him play with my fingers in his own.

"Sure." He nod. I swallowed.

"Well, sorry if this sounds weird but like… Are you gay?" I asked and he started giggling which was the opposite response to what I expected.

"Well no shit Craig, that's why I'm kissing a dude right now."

Okay, well that made sense. It looked like he was pretty open about it too. Usually things like sexuality spread like wildfire in school, how come I'd never heard of Tweek coming out? Perhaps I just didn't care to listen at the time. So wrapped up in myself.

"What about you?" He asked me and my chest turned to stone. I didn't know how to answer.

"W-well… I don't think so" I mumbled.

"You realise why that wouldn't make sense though, right? Can I ask you, did you like kissing me?"

I felt exposed now. I hated feeling exposed and vulnerable. I could answer a simple 'yes' and who would care besides Tweek, the only guy in the room right now? But it wasn't Tweek who I was afraid admitting that to. It was myself.

"I do like kissing you, Tweek" I stammered and he simpered at me thoughtfully.

"I'm glad…" he said "I am gay but you don't need a label for it… I was confused a couple years ago when I started questioning it. My head was fucking with me constantly but Wendy is accepting and I suppose she helped me accept that part of myself that I was trying to deny. She's my closest friend."

I was stunned by his words. I stared at him momentarily, my mouth agape and he began blushing and twitched a little. "W-what?!" He stuttered.

I smirked at him. What a blind idiot I had been this whole time. Everything he said rang true to me. It didn't matter that Tweek was a little younger and had less experience than me, that he was very co-dependant and naive because he was so much more figured out than me. His maturity hit me like a brick and I'd be lying if I said my ego hadn't been damaged by the fact Tweek was wearing the pants between us right now.

He had a girlfriend and maybe that's what I needed. Not a girlfriend, but a friend that is a girl. Women (at our age at least) tend to see things a lot more grey rather than black and white. Like what Tweek said, Wendy was accepting and honest and I could do with someone like that who could talk these things out with me. Or at least someone who was gay like Tweek but no way could I open my armour up to Tweek anymore than I already had tonight and as for Kenny, he was supposedly in a casual relationship with Butters; but you can't be too careful with his advice.

I hugged him tightly. "Thanks Tweek, thank you" I exclaimed. He gradually embraced me back and giggled. I tucked a piece of blond hair behind his ear and lay against him.

"Will you go to Bebe's party with me next friday?" I asked and the mood went cold. I sat up off him and tilted my head as he grew shy and twitched again.

"I don't know Craig, you know I don't really like social situations…" he jittered and I sighed apologetically.

"It's okay, we can just chill round here if you like, or at yours. Have a sleepover or something." God that sounded childish.

"Hey you can go without me, idiot."

"I don't want to."

He blushed lightly and placed his hands in mine. "I'll try to come along I guess."

"Good, it will be a bit of fun and if not, I'll drive you home and we can watch some Terrance and Phillip."

I liked this. I had to admit, there was something beautiful and warm about being affectionate this way with your best friend. I felt content and happier and even a little bashful. It was a weird side of me only Tweek brought out and I wasn't against it. Some part of me wished I could hate this but the truth was, I didn't. I really liked being 'gay' with Tweek.


	7. Sort of Terrified

**Chapter Seven**

Sort of Terrified

* * *

It was Monday after school that Cartman dragged me behind the building with a hand on his hip. He'd been waiting for me and I had forgotten about him completely, I was enjoying myself too much to think about this bastard.

"Don't forget our deal still stands, Tucker. If you want your car you better keep hanging out with that loser" he told me as he observed his hands.

"I am" I seethed "we've been out together most of the weekend and it was going okay until I saw your ugly face today."

Cartman's said face brightened up and he patted me on the shoulder much to my dislike.

"Well done, well done. Here I was thinking you'd bailed on me."

"Aren't you meant to be keeping an eye on me anyway?" I questioned him.

"I've been occupied with tons of… new gadgets" his voice trailed off. "But anyway, you earned it."

He held out some crumpled fifty dollar bills and my mind went blank momentarily. I stared at the money without a clue what it was for until it hit me again that me and Tweek weren't really a thing, this was a set up, a bet that I had lost. I felt like a convicted criminal right now with the money lingering before me like some shady reward.

I felt guilty, so incredibly guilty. I thought of Tweek, how his little face would drop if he saw this. I used to feel nothing; I could hurt and use anyone through and through, emotionally manipulate them. I could treat them like shit and still accept their love without feeling remorseful about it but now I felt everything. I felt karma, I felt ashamed of myself.

"I don't want it" I said quietly but firmly. Cartman frowned at me.

"Why not?" He asked and I could tell he was miffed.

"Because this is wrong. Tweek doesn't deserve it."

"You better not be backing out now. Your forfeit will be worse."

"I don't care you fat fuck! I'm not going to do this to him anymore." I smacked his hand away from me and began walking the opposite direction until he jumped in front of me and add more notes to his hand.

"Are you really gonna pass up on this much, Craig?" He condescended as he swayed the money in front of me like bait. "Your car" he continued "is only a couple of hundred away then what? You can drive out of this shithole, huh? Is that what you want?"

I glared at him, my eyes saw only scarlet.

"Keep at it with Tweek, just a week or two more and you'll get what you want; so will everyone." I continued to bore my eyes viciously into him. I couldn't believe him, how sick and twisted people like him were. But most of all I couldn't believe myself for reaching out and taking it despite the damage it could cause. It just went to show how selfish people can be, how selfish I can be.

I hated myself.

"Why do you want this so badly?" I asked him finally. He looked me dead in the eye and almost smirked.

"Mind your own business, I'll mind mine" and with a pat to his nose, he left.

I stood in utter revolt of myself, the world morphed gray around me. I examined the notes thoughtfully and placed a smoke between my lips. Never mind what Cartman wanted me for, what did I want this for? A car, yes but vehicles seemed pointless to me at that moment. The fat boy was right, I did want to drive out of South Park and start fresh somewhere new. I hated it here, the way that messed up childhood rots all over the buildings, the way the same old people corrode any opportunity of change. This town was full of fucked up, racist and close-minded rednecks and no amount of Whole Foods could have transformed us into anything better than that. Scum of the country.

It was the very reason that I decided to close off from people, keep my friends like Clyde and Token down to brief conversations, have strictly physical relationships with girls and shut off from any chance of that bullshit best friend nonsense. When I leave, I didn't want to leave anything important behind because I knew I'd never come back and see them again. In fact the only person I'd consider keeping in contact with was Tricia, my little sister.

I lit the cigarette and inhaled as deep as I could, embracing the nicotine the way that tree roots absorb water.

So why did a car seem fruitless to me now? I'd done it, hadn't I? Gotten myself involved in an affiliation of sorts. Me, Craig Tucker, could I possibly be dependant on something other than myself? I could avoid Tweek and after a while I'd be back on track, I only needed to see him for two weeks at the most now and I've done that before, detached myself when I feel like I'm becoming vulnerable to my feelings but… I didn't want to. How could I let my best friend go again? I liked him.

"You look full of questions" interrupted a voice and I spun around on my heels to see a not so unfamiliar sight of four pale and forlorn figures huddled together. They too were smoking.

The goth kids. Had I not decided to be a lone wolf of sorts, I would have collided into their group. Everyone seemed to think after not so long ago that I fit there more than 'Craig's gang.' I'd agree had it not been for the fact that I don't complain about life openly, I just think it. I admired the goths for being candidly cynical and realistic, whilst I'm still hiding behind a fake smile. Mostly because of my dad. If his son wasn't the star football player who gets into fights then what else would he have to be proud of? Good grades? Certainly not.

I presented them with my middle finger and Pete with the red hair scorned at me as he flipped his hair to the side. "Oh, finger of thee rejection" he mocked "you showed me there."

"I have no questions for you" I told them simply.

"Then maybe you have questions for yourself" Henrietta gestured to the money. I couldn't form words to retaliate to that.

"We heard the whole thing" Michael intervened "I feel sorry for the poor pigeon that's going to find out how shitty his or her date really is."

"Haven't you got screamo to write and arms to cut?" I told them as I stamped out my cigarette butt.

"Please, we're not emo."

"There's nothing wrong with being a shitty person, deep down that's what we all are. Our true colors are black and white, but pretending to be good is wrong. At least admit that you're a pathetic life form to your boyfriend rather than lead him on" Firkle, the smallest of them explained eerily. I paused.

"What makes you think I have a boyfriend?" I asked and Pete raised his brows coyly.

"We heard through the grapevine that you're into guys. But we don't judge here, we don't even care in fact. But there's rumours going around that you're fucking a man and if you, the top of the social food chain don't know about this then it may be a call for concern." He took a toke from his cigarette and I mouthed the words to myself.

Fucking a dude? Where the hell would that come from? I could feel anger flood to my cheeks as I stormed off to class. My initial conclusion was that Cartman had ran his huge mouth about our deal but when I examined the situation closer I realised that it could be anyone. Kenny, Butters, Wendy, Kyle and even Token and Clyde if they had taken the bet seriously like I had. Could it even be Tweek? I doubted it, he was too introverted to talk about his life like that. Nevertheless, no doubt the goths' words would be haunting the rest of my day.

I met Tweek in the library at lunch again because I promised to help him with some science homework he'd been struggling with and I'd been looking forward to it too until my encounter with the goth kids. Ever since that morning I felt like all eyes were plastered onto me and it wasn't half true.

I didn't get as many greetings from my teammates during practice. Kyle still spoke to me as usual but the atmosphere was different, a few people seemed more cautious; some even seemed amused. No one had questioned me about this 'rumour' yet though which made me think it was just me being paranoid. I also asked Kyle briefly if he knew about this rumour and he insisted that this was the first he'd heard of it but I had to wonder how the goth kids, the most antisocial of all the cliques knew about it. Were they messing with me?

"Craig" apparently he'd been trying to get my attention for a little while now. "If oestrogen is produced in the ovaries then what about progesterone? Doesn't it come from the same place too?" I took a moment to go over my menstruation cycle knowledge before he whined and whacked his head against the book. "Please Craig I don't understand the science of periods!"

"The majority of your time is spent with girls" I chuckled ironically but I could understand why he didn't get it. I had somewhat of a photographic memory, so I remembered even the stuff I didn't take an interest in, but I suppose Tweek could care less about vaginas, so why should he learn about them?

"You seem distracted you know" Tweek breathed. He could tell, he must be the only one who could tell. "What's wrong?" He asked me sincerely. I defeatedly began to explain.

"There's just some rumours going round about me. Usually I don't care but…"

"What are they about?" He placed his hand on mine earnestly and circled his thumb around my wrist. It felt comforting until I snatched my hand back into my lap and glanced around sheepishly. He was taken aback and twitched a little as he observed the scene.

"Oh…" He seemed to understand what the rumours were about after that and looked down at his page with an almost sullen expression spread across his face. Had he realised now? Realised the kind of repulsive and misleading person I was that I was too ashamed of my sexuality to let him touch me in a library, let alone in public.

He looked up at me with a charming expression and to my surprise he smiled. "Don't worry, rumours die down quickly. We can stop hanging out in school if that makes it better anyway-"

"No" I frowned at him "why… Why would I do that?"

"Because being around me isn't gonna make you look straight is it? Most people know I'm gay, Craig. That's probably why this started."

"What kind of person would I be if I ditched you because I was worried about myself?"

He didn't answer that. He gazed at me almost apologetically and gave me a sad smile. My heart sank, he didn't need to speak to give me the most truthful answer. That expression spoke a thousand words. I'd be a Craig Tucker kind of person if I did that to him.

Before I could walk away and wallow in my self-pity again he got up and stood before me.

"Well you know, I told my parents that I have a tutor now: you, and since I'm failing every class they're pretty happy for you to come round whenever. Which means if you come round and help me revise they won't think that I'm bringing my boyfriend over. Therefor they won't annoy us." He looked fairly proud of himself.

He was too good for me.

"I'm your tutor now am I?" I had to grin.

"Well yeah and you better tutor me because I'll get grounded if I keep getting Fs on everything."

"You get Fs?"

"Uh-huh, sometimes even an E."

"That's awful."

We both shared a laugh before I brought out a book on female anatomy and explained the questions so that we could finish his homework. Being his tutor sounded like a good idea. It was a chance to spend time with Tweek and I liked doing that.

* * *

When I got back home I had a bath and soaked in it for well over an hour and in my defence, my muscles were aching from the intense practice and probably the intense anxiety too. I could truly envision my worries seeping out of my skin and draining away when I got out and pulled the plug. But that was just a thought, I was still just as unhinged as before.

I had to go out with Token, Clyde and Jimmy today after school. Had to, yes because I rarely enjoy going out and screwing around but I had to keep some kind of social reputation up. It's not that I hated my friends because Clyde was always nice to me, Jimmy had made me laugh a few times and Token was one of the most down to earth people I knew but I functioned better on my own, I always have. I just didn't want to lose them as allies I suppose, I wanted to look normal and blend in with the crowd. I don't know why.

Once I'd washed my hair, I got out of the bath and wiped the steam off the mirror to observe my body through it.

I didn't think much of myself but I could see why people were attracted to me. I needed some kind of sex appeal to compensate for my gloomy personality and I guess here it was. Practising football as South Park High's quarterback nearly everyday on top of going to the gym a few times a week had given me a build to be somewhat proud of. I'd been told that I had nice eyes before too; people said they were "stormy." They were in fact gray that were leaning towards blue. My eyes are a bright sapphire colour when I'm happy but that's a rare sight. They weren't interesting like Tweek's eyes. One was a soft teal whilst the other was entirely green. It was a subtle difference but I noticed it and it really appealed to me; I loved how it was almost a physical representation of how weird he was.

As for Tweek's body… I wouldn't know. He seemed like the scrawny type, the 'skin and bone' type but I distinctly remember him beating me up plenty of times in elementary school. For all I know he could be completely ripped by now.

I wrapped a towel around my waist and my mind drifted. I wanted to see his body. I couldn't help but imagine what he looked like under those scruffy clothes. Probably beautiful.

I was laid on my bed in a pair of boxer shorts with Stripe clutched to my chest when Tricia let herself in.

She was thirteen now and had long gone ditched the pigtails to settle for a bun instead. Every thirteen year old thinks they're finally mature and cool but I didn't see her that way at all, I felt sorry for her that she hadn't quite experienced the harsh quality of being a teenager yet. But in all fairness she was doing better than me, I'd already been arrested by the age of twelve.

"Let yourself in why don't you" I quipped. She scoffed sarcastically and flipped me off to which I returned the gesture. It was an ongoing family ritual. A Tucker habit.

"Put some clothes on!" She opposed as she scooped Stripe off my chest and clutched him close to her, as if he was bothered by my bareness.

"You're in my room" I pointed out "and why is that anyway, what do you want?"

"Mom says dinner is ready."

"What is it?"

"Well we're having mac n' cheese. You've got chicken, eggs, salad and those weird beans again."

"Kidney beans?"

"Yeah those."

I groaned. Dad had made sure that mom made me a separate meal to them because I needed "more protein" and it was always the same damn thing. The mix of food that I didn't like.

"I don't want it" I told her finally and she nod in respect.

"Fair enough. It seems boring everyday." It was.

"Is dad home?"

"No he's at Skeeter's again."

Of course. The only reason my house was free when it was is due to mom at work and dad at the bar, probably bragging about his son to all his friends. I wondered how Tricia felt about that. She was the smartest in her year and played piano beautifully but dad wasn't impressed by that, even mom wasn't on some level. It was so blatantly obvious that I was the favourite child and truly I wished that my sister got more credit for what she did. When I'm gone they'd have to pay attention to her.

"Will you bring me up some mac n' cheese?" I asked and she looked at me smugly as if to ask what was in it for her.

"Okay, I'll sneak you some if you answer something."

"Oh God, what is it?"

"Well um…" she ran her fingers over Stripe's little nose and pursed her lips in thought.

"What?" I repeated.

"Are you… Do you like boys?"

My eyes widened at her and I felt like I was going to choke on the air in my lungs. One thing after another I tell you, soon the whole world would be wondering if I'm gay. Where the hell had she even gotten that from? I tried my best to keep my cool as I sat up and raised an eyebrow at her.

"No. Why do you ask that?"

"I saw you, Craig."

"What are you on about?"

"I saw you kissing that blond boy."

"What, when?"

"On Saturday night."

"But you were at Karen's on Saturday."

"Her parents had a fight so I left and when I came out of my room later that night I went downstairs and saw you."

"The hell you did."

"I did! You were making out on the couch with a boy so stop pretending that you didn't because I saw you!"

I had nothing to reply to that. She saw me on top of Tweek kissing him and there wasn't any way to disguise that as anything other than what it was. Part of me knew this would happen eventually, someone would see us and put one and one together but I didn't expect it to be Tricia. How could I have been so clumsy as to not notice she was still in the house? What if she told dad? He'd disown me.

As if she could read my mind, she placed Stripe in his cage and head for the door. "Don't worry, I won't tell mom and dad but tell me these things, I tell you everything. If you have a boyfriend then I don't care but you could at least be honest about it."

"He's not my boyfriend."

"Right, and denial doesn't exist."

"Go away."

When she left I punched my pillow furiously before I collapsed into it. I didn't want to deal with this. Cartman's stupid bet had landed me in nothing but shitstorm after shitstorm. If anything else happened then I'd have to call it off because now my sister knew about Tweek. Now she'd seen us, I can't decide to be straight anymore because she'll always be questioning what she saw for the rest of her life and so would I. Because being gay or straight, it's a decision isn't it? Dad always told me that but I don't know why I'd listen to his advice.

I didn't know what I wanted to decide for myself yet. Part of me just wanted the choice to be happy.


	8. Warm Inside

**Chapter Eight**

Warm Inside

* * *

Tweek's house was always so balmy and welcoming. When one passed through the little cookie-cutter door, they'd be swallowed up instantly by the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and the vanilla musk that adorned the furniture. Nothing had changed from when I'd walked in there ten years ago besides pieces of furniture, photographs and drapes. Apart from that, it was like walking into my second home and I was shitting myself.

My palms were clammy and I had an almost desperate urge to cling to Tweek's small cold fingers as he invited me inside. I was going to see his parents for the first time in ages. They had only caught glimpses of me over the last couple of years and now that I was… affiliated with Tweek romantically, or whatever it was, it felt like more than a guy having dinner with his friend's family. I had the instinct to impress them and me, the monotone grump that I am, was actually starting to feel self-conscious.

Mr and Mrs. Tweak still sported the same warm looks on their faces, aged only slightly. Tweek's mother had grown her hair longer than I remembered from before and his father had a slight shift in his attire choices but that was it. The Tweak family was stood before me and they were all absolutely lovely.

"Craig Tucker! My, oh my look at you!" His mother exclaimed as she scuttled towards me and circlined me like an excited dog. "You've grown so much!"

I could see Tweek behind his mother and father with a hand over his face in embarrassment and gave him a reassuring smile. I wasn't bothered that his parents were taking that weird interest in me that he told me about… To them I was just his tutor after all.

"I haven't seen you in so long, how have you been?" the chirpy woman asked as she took my jacket for me and hooked it on the hangers by the door.

"I'm fine" I told her. I couldn't think of anything particularly interesting to say. Had I been up to anything those days? Not at all, so what was the point in small talk?

"Well Craig, we're having chinese takeout for dinner, sound good?" She really did seem extremely happy to see me, she was prolonging the sound of my name as if I weren't real, just a figment of her imagination.

"Sounds great, Mrs. Tweak" I nod politely though I felt slightly awkward at the over-enthusiastic smiles the two were giving me.

"Oh please, call me Tabatha and of course, you know my husband Richard" she gestured to Tweek's father and beamed at me. "Oh it's just been so long!"

I scratched the back of my neck and twirled my overgrown mess of raven hair while chuckling nervously. What an odd position to be in, I wasn't even this nervous meeting (ex) girlfriends' parents but then again,it was easy to pretend that I liked girls. Dating boys was still something I was somewhat shy with… And by the look on Tabitha and Richard's grinning faces, I could tell that they knew. They could smell it on me, the pure lingering scent of a sexual identity crisis.

A blond figure bumbled in front of me, a twitch in the direction of his parents while dismising them to the kitchen.

"Leave him- GAH! we're gonna go study now" he groaned in annoyance.

"Alright, son just leave the door open" Richard cooed and I caught sight of Tweek blushing furiously as he gently pushed them away.

"D-dad just, AGH! Jesus Christ, stop!" He wasted no time to escape from Richard's grasp as he hurriedly headed up to his room, shielding his face from me when I decided to follow. God knows I didn't want to be left alone a moment longer with these people. Don't get me wrong, they were charming and friendly, more so than my own parents but their curiosity became intrusive and Tweek wasn't the only one blushing at this point.

Tweek timidly invited me into his room and I glanced around to absorb the sight. The last time I was in his room was when I had carried him to bed. It was dark so I didn't get a good look at the transformation he'd made since we were kids but it appeared like the rest of the house; there wasn't much of a transformation. He still had knex structures littered around the mess of his floor and superhero figurines guarding the shelves of books and various other wooden trinkets. Discarded clothes decorated his carpet and coffee cups guarded each surface. His bed harboured Terrance and Phillip plushies that sat neatly atop the pillow. I shook my head at the sight.

"It were almost as if you weren't expecting company" I smiled and bathed in the reminiscence of his room. My bedroom had matured with my age and was certainly much tidier but somehow, despite the mess a sloppiness of lifestyle, it was cozy and comforting to be in here with Tweek.

I quietly closed the door.

"Yeah well, I'm not so good at organising stuff like you" he muttered.

"Something else I need to help you with?" I smirked.

"No! Just homework, I'm still stuck on that stupid period thing and then I have maths and-"

"Calm down. Maths is my forte. I'm not too bad with the menstrual cycle too."

Tweek wrinkled his nose in disgust and I smiled at how cute he looked, grimacing at such a topic; though I wouldn't expect much less from a gay guy.

He cleared his desk and we studied for a good half hour. Throughout that time, I corrected him and showed him easier ways to remember things. I could tell he was really trying by the way he wrote notes of certain things I'd said and highlighted key points. I was quite endeared by that as we made small conversation about the week.

I didn't tell him about how my little sister had seen us together. It had been bothering me, yes, but I didn't want to talk about it. I'd get worked up and worried about nothing. But I knew my house was off limits for a while until this bet was up or until I could at least convince Tricia that she was just sleepy and delirious when she saw us kissing.

"Craig" a sweet voice pulled me from my thoughts. I'd been absent mindedly worrying again, I could tell by the concern in his nonidentical eyes.

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?" He asked me quietly. I thought for a moment, I was but I wasn't. There was always just a permanent concoction of confusion mixed with guilt and angst churning in my stomach and bubbling up into my chest. Some moments I felt like it would rise through my throat and come pouring out of my mouth in choked sobs and desperate pleas but times like this, I could smile and make sure Tweek felt safe around me.

I didn't answer him straight away. I leaned down slowly and gently pressed my lips against his while squeezing his hand under the desk. It made me feel warm inside, and outside. As much as I felt like pouring my emotional innards to Tweek, I kept it to myself and hoped he'd hear the words in my movements.

"What was that for?" he grinned softly, his cheeks were pink.

"Just felt like it" I told him as I grazed my knuckles against his soft cheek. I could feel the peach fuzz that he hadn't lost yet tickle my skin and chuckled to myself. He was so fiesty sometimes, yet so delicate and innocent, the realization only proved further while surrounded by toys and mess.

There was never a moment when I was close to Tweek like that, touching him and staring into his eyes that I didn't feel guilty. Guilty about the money I was getting for spending time with him, guilty about abandoning him and guilty about the fact I planned to leave him and this whole town behind.

I felt a twitchy hand etch its way up my thigh and my heartbeat began to plummet.

"What are you doing?" I quirked a brow and he took it as anger; he shyly snatced his hand back and murmured apologies as he stared at his feet.

"I j-just, nngh, sorry" he tugged on his hair anxiously. After a moment of observation something possessed me to take ahold of his wrist and position it back to its home on my thigh. "No need to be sorry" I reassured him "I like it."

He looked a little surprised but also relieved. I could tell he was trying to be considerate of my feelings as he was aware this was different for me, at least that's what it seemed like. But truthfully I wanted him to do what he wanted. I was so indecisive about myself and my feelings, we'd get nowhere if he let me call the shots all the time.

His hand gently caressed my thigh; I hummed contently and tucked a rogue strand of gold behind his ear which then progressed to combing my fingers through his unruly mane.

Tweek leaned his head against my shoulder and impishly trailed his hand to rest between my legs. I could hear him swallow a lump in his throat as he daringly began to stroke me over my jeans, simultaneously placing ghost kisses to my shoulder.

I was slightly terrified and could feel my heart pounding against my chest like Jehovah at a door. I couldn't tell whether I liked it or not and unconsciously tightened my grip on Tweek's hair. I tangled my fingers through the soft locks as a hoarse groan escaped my lips when he pressed his palm against my crotch. It almost felt like the dream I'd had some time ago that I admit to him when we had our first kiss at the lake's edge.

Seemingly proud of himself, he spared a moment to observe my face which was no doubt slightly embarrassed but in his moment of confidence he tilted forward and once again joined our lips together, but much more firm with his grip on me down below and eventually his hands were wrapped loosely like spaghetti around my neck and he'd shifted into my lap, replacing the movement of his hand with the movement of his hips.

Everytime he pulled away I had to bite my lip to keep from moaning. Tweek, I realised, was a little more vocal in sensual situations and the sounds he made against my ear weren't helping me to regain my self-restraint.

His overbearing parents were just a floor beneath us and it had been long since they announced dinner. What if they came up looking for us and saw this? I couldn't have my sister and Tweek's mom and dad walking in on us like this. I broke our kiss and pried his hands from my neck, lacing my fingers through his as I spoke in almost a whisper.

"Am I going to fast?" He squeaked like a shy mouse.

"No" I replied "I want to do things with you but…"

"But..?" He seemed disappointed and rejected. I didn't mean to put that deflated look on his face.

I kissed his earlobe softly and proceeded to whisper "I'll take you somewhere tomorrow."

"A-are we going to go out?"

"No" I lightly inhaled. His hair smelled of green apple. "I'm going to…" I couldn't quite get the words out. It were almost as if I voiced it aloud, everything would become official. Then again, why was I scared of that?

Tweek wasn't as fickle as he let on and I was assuming he understood my drift as he nod his head gently and parted his lips as invitation for me to seal this session. I shackled my arms around his waist and hoisted him up further onto my lap so that he could look down on me, gingerly threading his fingers through my hair and smiling as he closed the space between us.

I closed my eyes.

We were in that little tree house, obnoxious eleven year olds all sat in a circle on the wooden flooring. There was me, Token, Kenny and Tweek and we were playing a game of top trumps. The winner would inherit the beer that Kenny snagged from his dad.

Loose and immature conversation filled the hut and I groaned in annoyance when Token beat me and took my last card. For some reason I really wanted to win the beer, unaware at that point that my dad was just as much a beer belly as Kenny's.

"For God's sake" I muttered as I fold my arms with a scowl across my face. Token laughed and attained another new card from Tweek. He appeared to be winning.

Kenny pat me on the back with a lopsided grin. "Don't worry buddy, next time." I glared at him.

Soon the game fizzled out and as expected, Token won our session of Simpsons top trumps and had the most award-winning smug look plastered across his face.

"It's not fair!" Tweek whined "you're rich, y-you can afford all the beer in the world!"

"I'm still a kid though" Token scoffed and noticed Kenny hugging his knees to his chest; hiding the smirk on his lips.

"Let's play dares" he suggested and while Token raised his alcoholic prize with a crescent moon grin, Tweek huddled inwardly. It was no secret he despised playing dares. Since he was the most wimpy of any of our friends, it was often fun to torment him; get him to do embarrassing things because he was gullible and skittish. Even I was guilty of daring him to follow through despite we considered each other best friends.

"Nnngh. W-why not play hide and seek?" Tweek stammered and the three of us giggled.

"Hide and seek is for wetty boys!" Kenny chided. Tweek looked down and twiddled his fingers, the poor boy knew what was coming.

"Okay, start with me" Token volunteered. Kenny was ready.

"I dare you to… Drink your beer in thirty seconds." We all gasped and edged closer to Token in awe who seemed a little unsure. However he laughed it off and cracked open his beer.

"What if I get drunk?" he asked.

"It's just beer" Kenny said simply.

"B-besides, your house is so big no one would even, GAH! Notice you stumble to your room" Tweek add.

I watched the conversation quietly until attention was turned onto me when I chuckled. "It's too early for drinking" I laughed. Kenny hit me in the arm in response and shook his head.

"Stop being a pussy hole" he hissed, whatever that meant.

Token finally nod his head in agreement and arched his head back as we started the countdown. We watched in excitement as the liquid began to drain from the bottle and his face contorted in disgust. He drew back and swallowed the beer as if it were cement.

"This is awful!" He coughed and we all shared a laugh but the countdown didn't stop and the dare wasn't complete. You'd be wise to finish a dare when Kenny was involved otherwise your forfeit would be twice as distasteful. With that in mind, Token sucked in a breath and emptied the bottle into his stomach in the last twenty seconds he had. Amazingly, he made it in time and we all looked at each other in shock as if we'd never seen anything so spectacular.

The look of sheer victory Token sported was evident and he ecstatically cheered, punching his fists into the air.

"There's still a bit there" Kenny broke the victory dance and Token elbowed him in return.

"Shut up man."

"Tweek next" Kenny grinned and we all knew it was coming. Every single one of us stared at the shivering blond lump beside me like hungry hyenas with mischievous grins.

"What should we make him do?" Token asked coyly.

"How about we get him to go to people's houses and tell them about the aliens again?" I offered.

"Or sneak into Bebe's garden and take pictures of the girls..." Kenny rubbed his hands together.

"No! We should get him to dress as a girl!"

"Yeah haha that would be hilarious, he already looks like one."

Tweek frowned and shook his head at each suggestion. "GAH! No aliens and no girls!"

"Should we go easy on him?" I faced Kenny, a little remorse for my best friend finally getting to me. He shook his head with a chastising smile.

"Okay. Well how about we start him off with a truth then" he looked over to Tweek "would you like that?"

It was obvious Tweek would certainly not like that but at this point it was definitely safer than a dare. Who knew what they'd make him do after everything he'd already completed in his life during a game of dares.

Tweek nod reluctantly and Kenny reclined against the pinewood. He seemed to be looking to me for inspiration.

"Um… Do you like Terrance or Phillip better?" I questioned and Kenny hit me again, much harder this time.

"Don't ask such weak questions, dude! If he gets out of dares, this has gotta be interesting." Kenny gazed up at the ceiling and pondered what to ask our victim until a light bulb blinked above his head and his lips curved upwards wickedly.

Suddenly, he was crawling towards Tweek like a cat to its prey and leaned in real close as he queried "what girl do you like?"

No one would expect a different question from Kenny, he was obsessed with girls and as much as I'd hate to admit, I had always wondered if Tweek had his eye on any girls; he seemed far too timid to ask anyone out or at least tell us that he wanted to do so. In the back of my gut, I'd feel upset if he did like anyone because he'd probably ditch me for her and I didn't like being lonely without him.

"J-jesus, GAH! Why?!" Tweek squealed and pushed Kenny away.

"Because we wanna know. There must be some girl you like." Token intervened.

"Is it Wendy?" Kenny grinned.

"No! She likes Stan." Tweek protested.

"Bebe?"

He shook his head.

"Lizzie, Esther, Heidi, Red?"

"I don't like girls!" Tweek blurted out, silence hollowing out the treehouse as his hands flailed awkwardly in the air. Kenny pursed his lips in thought before his eyes widened and he raised his brows high into the clouds.

"You mean… You like boys?"

All the color drained from Tweek's face as he waved his hands in front of him and shook his head frantically, twitching while Kenny and Token rolled around in laughter.

"No, GAH! I don't like boys! Or girls! I-I don't like anyone, okay!?"

"Alright, dude" Token calmed himself and I tilted my head in curiosity when I noticed Tweek steal my eye contact. His tinted eyes glimmered with fear, like his whole world had been invaded with that one question. I didn't know what any of it meant, really.

I'd heard my dad in the past use "gay" to insult things and even on one occasion he had told me that I looked gay when I wore a certain outfit or asked for a certain toy. They never talked about it in school and I'd never read about it in books or seen it on TV. Apart from Big Gay Al's TV show that was glamorized with fashion and stereotypes that made homosexuality seem like a joke. The concept of boys loving boys and girls loving girls was hushed and hidden. It was a delicate subject kids like us shouldn't be thinking about.

Tweek didn't love boys though, I'd seen him hold hands with Red before. I almost thought he might admit he likes her to us when Kenny asked.

"Have you ever fancied anyone?" I asked my friend after thinking about this. I was the least to say intrigued.

Tweek blushed and gazed down to his wormy fingers, picking at his nails shyly. "I-I… uh, maybe once."

"Who!?" We all gasped in unison.

"N-no it doesn't, GAH! Forget it" clearly we weren't going to drop the subject though.

"Have you kissed her?" Kenny asked and Tweek shook his head violently.

"I… Haven't kissed anyone I like before" he confessed.

"You're kidding! We've all kissed someone at least once on the cheek and in here as well, this is the kissing shack" Kenny explained "even Craig kissed in here!"

Tweek shifted awkwardly and frowned when he heard that. I knew it was something he didn't like talking about from previous experiences. He too was worried that if I started dating someone I'd ditch our friendship. But it was no lie, I had my first kiss in here with Stan's sister a few months ago. She was older and had an awful crush on me. No one really knew how we managed to kiss with that huge armour on her face but the truth was that I kissed her on the cheek and avoided her ever since. I guess it's not counted as a proper kiss but I didn't want to tell the guys that… No doubt they'd torture me the same way they were currently with Tweek.

"We need to get you kissed" Kenny announced as he tapped his finger thoughtfully against his chin.

"N-now?!" Tweek squeaked.

"Yes!"

I felt bad for him, he looked mortified. Fortunately for my friend though, there were no girls around here and the majority we knew were gathered at Bebe's sleepover, there was no way we could intrude that without being attacked by a bunch of female creatures.

"There's no one around, we should just let him off" I murmured, sneakily attempting to protect my buddy who looked like he was about to throw up out of nervousness.

Kenny now gave me my third hit and karate chopped my crotch with some strength and the small crowd went silent, watching as my face boiled with pain and I crouched forward, whining at the strike.

"Y-you bastard!" I yelled, raising my middle finger at him and he chuckled maniacally while I cradled my throbbing injury. It really hurt.

"I told you to stop sticking up for him. I feel like giving you a scary dare now" Kenny turned to Token and they shared a small nod and smirk.

"Kiss Tweek" Kenny ordered and the pain in my groin came to a halt, my mouth hung open. No way did I hear that correctly.

"No!" Tweek yelped, his face the complexion of a cherry.

"Yes!" Kenny growled "You've never kissed anyone and Craig is being a dick. Just peck each other."

I glanced over to Tweek with grinded teeth and he desperately attempted to look anywhere but my eyes. I should have realised then how scared he was and I should have thought about why but I didn't. I looked over awkwardly to Kenny.

"But… boys kissing boys is wrong" I whispered.

Kenny stared at me and assessed the pure look of confusion in my eyes. Even back then, he could see inside me, he knew something was wrong with me.

"Love is love" he told me and he seemed sincere despite the fact I knew that he was just repeating something he'd heard on the radio or whatnot.

"But I don't love Tweek, like that I mean."

"But you still love him don't you? Like the way you love me?"

That wasn't true. I loved Tweek far more than I loved any of my other friends. He was my best friend; ever since we were children we were inseparable and no one could come close to the adoration I felt for him. Certainly not Kenny McCormick.

But for the sake of not having to explain myself I sighed and nod in defeat. Kenny seemed awfully understanding for an immature kid who only ever talked about pornstars.

I crawled towards Tweek and he shivered anxiously. His eyes widened like an alarmed rabbit's and his head was shaking at me, so fast that I could barely read his expression. But I knew above anything that he was scared.

"Don't" he warned me but I didn't listen. I quickly closed my eyes and pecked him before I backed away to raise my brows at Kenny and Token who seemed pleased as they burst into laughter. Tweek, however looked like he was about to burst into tears. I'd unconsciously exposed him.

I should have seen it back then. How much more serious that kiss was for Tweek than it was for me. He liked boys and he knew it. He liked me, and I didn't know it. By that simple short-lived kiss I'd given him a reason to hold onto someone who was going to hurt him repeatedly for the next few years and he had no idea.

Not a single clue.

"Craig."

A voice tore into my moment of reminiscence and I opened my eyes. I was faced with two mismatched orbs staring into my soul and my arms were wrapped tightly around his hips, drawing him in as close as he could possibly be. I wanted to kiss him more but I needed to keep my control or I'd lose it. I could've lost myself in him right there, I could have.

He wanted to say something but he cut himself off. He knit his brows together and his hands jumbled amongst one another shyly as I loosened my grip on him, the warmth escaped my bones as I did so.

"I uh… love…" he swallowed and my breath hitched; time froze on its spot. This was something I wasn't able to hear right then and my heart hadn't beat that fast in such a long time. "I love chinese, it's m-my favourite" he forced a smile at me and I returned it softly, stroking his hair. The chinese would probably be here soon.

"I know you do" I told him. I leant into the crook of his neck and sighed. "It's not good for you though…" I whispered under my breath, almost inaudible as I let him rock me gently side to side.

* * *

 **A/N:** **There will be more flashbacks in the future because it's nice to explore how the characters found (and in some cases didn't find) themselves.**

 **Thank you for all your support.**


	9. Constellations

**Chapter Nine**

Constellations

* * *

 **A/N:** **Smut is in this chapter, you've been warned.**

It was a pleasant afternoon here in South Park. The snow hadn't fallen for two days and was beginning to melt. I could see the emerald grass poking up from the pristine surface. It was still nippy outside, certainly always jacket weather but it was a rare warm winter day to the residents here so I'd planned a perfect evening. Or so I hoped it would be.

Stripe was curled up in my lap as I'd come home from school and stripped to my boxers, basking in the sun rays streaming through my window and scrolling sheepishly through promiscuous sites I'd never thought I'd look at. Sure I'd had a lot of questionable searches in my browser history that had gathered over the years. In fact, my old man would be fairly proud of the majority of them but never had I thought I'd be asking the net how to have anal sex.

Something my dad wouldn't be ecstatic to see. Manicured men with immaculate tans and oily, toned skin populated my screen like a virus, so many intimidating penises and hairless testicles danced ungracefully around my screen like fleshy monsters. My eyes were so distracted by the endless pornographic pop ups I found it excruciatingly difficult to close the tabs quick enough.

Somehow I felt the porn would only confuse me more. None of it seemed real.

I felt a sort of twist in my gut with the niggling thought that I might be, I don't know, subconsciously using Tweek as a way to explore myself. Would that have been a bad thing? I did really like him… If I were to be with a man in that way I wouldn't have wanted it to be anyone else, for any kind of way… In all honesty I felt like I was beginning to lose interest in women all together. Almost as if my strong interest in women had all been a disguise to keep people from the truth. Something was happening to me and I wasn't not sure if I liked it.

Recently I didn't tend to think of the bet I made with Cartman too much and when he handed me over the unfaithful cluster of notes it was sort of like a slap into reality. The reality being that me and Tweek were the result of a bet in which I received money to put towards a car so I could drive off into the horizon. I shouldn't get lost in the illusion I created myself. But now, the original plan seemed so… Ridiculous.

Maybe I prefered the illusion.

"Son" a deep voice rumbled throughout my room and I quickly slammed the lid of my laptop down, my heart pounding for no good reason. Stripe had been startled too and scuttled off to the far side of the room. "Dad!" I hissed "can't you knock?" He eyed me with an amused expression and raked a hand through his red curls. I flipped him off to which the gesture was then returned.

"Nothing to be ashamed of. It's not like I've been an idiot since you were fourteen" he chuckled and I rolled my eyes. He was the last person I wanted to see. I lay back against my reclining desk chair and frowned at the man, wondering what on earth he could possibly want. Probably here to ask about soccer or the like.

"What do you want?" I finally asked as I reached for an obscure hacky sack on my desk and juggled it between my hands.

"How's school been?" He asked as he took a seat on my bed. I zoomed my attention into the hacky sack and its peruvian pattern to which I remembered Tweek still had my hat.

"Pretty good. I'm getting straight As, I have a game coming up in a few weeks. I make a good tutor, too" I told him absentmindedly. He seemed pleased.

"Any girls?" He queried. I stopped bouncing the hacky sack then and stared at him with one brow raised.

"Not right now. Why is that any of your business?"

"Craig, you don't have to be so defensive" Thomas raised his voice and I let out a long sigh.I was floating around my room to get dressed and going about my day as if he wasn't here with me, being intrusive.

"Do you know Rebecca Bertha?" He questioned. As a matter of fact I did, but I knew her as Red like most other people.

"Yes, why?" I replied, rummaging through my draws for something appropriate to wear. What did people wear for a night like this? Well… obviously nothing but you know, before then.

"The family wants us over for dinner. They know your mother well and I guess they want to get to know us two as well. The reason I ask about your lady friends, son, is because well… I hear this Rebecca girl might be into you and it would be nice if you two got along, you know?" I widened my eyes at him and shrugged.

"A lot of girls are into me, dad" I told him nonchalantly and he laughed.

"Yes, I know, that's good isn't it?" He chuckled and I shrugged again.

"I guess so."

"Your mother thinks we should set you two up on a playdate."

"I'm not a child. I can set up my own dates."

"Don't bite the messenger, kid." Playdate. How ridiculous, how old did he think I was exactly?

Once again I rolled my eyes and snatched a Rolling Stones t-shirt from my draw before sliding into it. Why would my mom care if another one of her friend's daughters had a crush on me? At this point I didn't care and I wasn't at all looking forward to going round their house for dinner if this was the case, what a tedious idea.

I realized I sounded pretty selfish and perhaps a little egotistical there but I just wanted to 'get along' with Tweek, I didn't want to get along with Red or any other girl for that matter.

"I'll hang out with her, I suppose" I told him indefinitely while slipping into some jeans. He smiled fondly at me and got up to ruffle my hair and head to the door. About time.

"You're a good kid. You want to eat with us today?" He asked me, a hand ghosted over the door handle. I stared at him quizzically as I did up my belt, an eyebrow jumped to the ceiling. No high-protein crap? He wanted to eat with me? I almost couldn't believe it. Ironically he asked the only night I wouldn't be present.

"I… Yeah but I'm actually going out tonight" I gazed down at my feet "sorry."

"It's no worries, we'll just save you a plate. Where are you going?"

"Out with a friend" I half lied "can I take your truck by the way..?" I would have taken it anyway but since he asked if I wanted to eat with him I felt it was at least polite enough to ask if I could take his truck out.

"Sure, just drink responsibly" he winked at me. Somewhat insinuating that he wouldn't mind if I didn't drink responsibly. I wasn't sure at that point if I was going to drink. Maybe just a little to calm the nerves.

"Thanks" I smiled genuinely at him and he nod in response, leaving the door a crack as he departed. I scooped Stripe up into my arms and pet him, continuing to dress myself and comb through my hair which was perhaps getting a bit too long now, especially without my hat.

"You don't think Tweek will hate me if I'm rubbish do you?" I asked Stripe quietly and he twitched his nose in response. I brought the tiny creature to my face and nuzzled him, squeezing his little paws gently.

A thought crossed my mind, in fact a lot did actually, but I wondered who would take the lead between us. "Do you suppose I take the lead? Or him?" I questioned the rodent. Stripe's beady black eyes winked at me and I felt a softness spread throughout my chest at the thought of Tweek. I wouldn't mind what way it went, whether it happened or not I just couldn't wait to see him, be near him.

"I like him" I whispered into Stripe's fur "I like him a lot… Is that wrong?" There was an eerie silence throughout the room until a voice startled me and Stripe once more, both of us jumped at the sudden interruption.

"Craig." I glared at the doorway, more specifically the little girl who stood there.

Setting Stripe aside with reddened cheeks I stomped my foot on the ground. I hated being interrupted when I was in thought, especially if I was thinking aloud… Who would've wanted other people to hear confessions like that?

"What is it with this fucking family" I growled, shooting a dirty scowl at Tricia who raised her middle finger tiredly at me.

"When can I meet Tweek?" She asked me, quickly changing the subject.

"Never" I replied flatly "get out." There was a long pause before she let out a small sigh.

"You should talk to someone soon. Stripe can't answer your questions" and with that she left. It was true but the great thing about Stripe was that he wasn't judgemental.

I picked up Tweek as it started to get dark and my smile had widened a mile when he emerged from his front door, his clothes a little too big for him and my hat like a proud crown atop his head. He looked just as charming and cheerful as always.

He popped into the passenger seat and did up his belt, he was grinning up at me with sparkling mismatched eyes. He also had some chocolate pudding on the corner of his mouth, I realized.

"You look happy" I smiled.

"I think I finally mastered the menstrual cycle" he beamed.

"Is that so?"

"Yes! And… Well, I'm happy to see you." I chuckled and gazed at the top of his head fondly as he twiddled his fingers together. He looked and smelled lovely.

I tilted his chin towards me and gently wiped the pudding from his mouth with my thumb, then I wiped it on my jeans and shaking my head at him. "Nice chocolate?" I asked quietly and he nod before leaning towards me with those big doe eyes. Then we kissed. Though fleeting, it was a nice way to greet one another that night.

"Where are we going?" He asked me almost in a whisper. I leaned down again and kissed his cheek. I couldn't help it when he talked like that and looked like that, all small and blond and cute.

"I told you, I'm taking you out" I reminded him and started up the truck, a grin on my face when I watched him huff in annoyance from the corner of my eye. He fold his arms before giving in and returning the grin.

"You're lucky I'm patient" he muttered. I coyly wondered if he'd stay true to those words later.

"I'm very lucky."

We drove for a while in comfortable chatter and Tweek controlled the radio, blasting some indie tunes as he rambled about his day and scanned the scenery to try and guess where I was taking him.

There was a dirt road that was fairly secluded and would take one round Stark's pond to the base of the mountains where South Park was in full view, all the street and house lights twinkle in the distance like stars and in fact the stars were what I was taking him to see. Call me a soppy romantic but I felt like Tweek to be the sentimental type who would appreciate that. Besides, we loved space.

We parked up between a few pine trees and I helped him out. The air was a little chilly but it was an overall warm and fresh night. The town looked like an intricate electrical circuit under the navy sky, densely overpopulated with silver stars. Many places around Stark's pond, the forest and mountains were well known to me such as the riverbank I took Tweek the first time we kissed. I was fairly sure I'd explored every area of South Park while hiking or fishing with my dad as a young boy and this clearing was a beautiful star gazing point, tucked away behind rocks and trees with a serene view. If there was anything (besides Tweek) that I'd miss about South Park when I'd leave, it would be these moments where I was out looking upon my little town with mountain air in my lungs.

"We're stargazing?" Tweek asked, his arms wrapped protectively around himself.

"Yes, get in the back" I told him, patting the truck and he spared a moment to question it before clambering into the back of the truck. I reached into the front and pulled out a thick pile of blankets before I chucked them over his head.

"We're gonna stargaze for a bit and then well… We can go back to yours I guess…" my voice trailed off bashfully and I'm sure he noticed. "Sorry, I forgot the coffee" I add. He leaned his body off the side of the truck and reached his arms out. "I don't need coffee. Come here."

I did as he ordered and jumped into the back of the truck beside him. I wrapped an arm around his waist and squeezed. I pulled the cold bundle as close as possible and he stared at me.

"You're being unusually affectionate tonight" he remarked softly. I hadn't done it intentionally.

"You don't like it?" I asked. Tweek smiled and shook his head.

"I do."

We lay together and gazed up at the sky for possibly hours, exchanging stories and intertwining hands. Tweek pointed out constellations to me, all of which I'd never have noticed just looking up at the sky alone and at some point we stopped feeling cold. I was content.

* * *

Tweek's hand guided me quietly through his house and up the staircase. I was being cautious not to knock anything over or turn a light on. But he was giggling and I could hear just how wide he was smiling.

Me on the other hand, my brain was screaming; I could hear my heart in my ears and feel it in my throat. I began wondering of all the possible ways I'd ruin this night.

When we crept into Tweek's room, I threw my overnight bag on the end of his bed as he closed and bolted the door behind us. There was barely a second before he had me pinned against the wall, arms around my neck and lips everywhere one could imagine.

A sudden burst of confidence had hit him much quicker than it had hit me as I gingerly held his waist and tried my best to keep my head in this moment while his hands tugged roughly on my jacket. I noticed that he wasn't twitching at all despite the carnal position we were currently in.

"Craig" he murmured impatiently against my ear. It was then that I realised he was waiting for me to respond to his efforts and so I craned down and sought out his lips in the dark, igniting a kiss that had always made my chest soften and my nerves almost imediately evacuate.

I let him unzip my jacket and then pulled my shirt off, desperate to return to the kiss he kept breaking. His hands, supple and slender danced across my chest, rested on my heart and then gripped to my hips. He was trying to find a sweet spot; something that, in this moment, would break me down completely. Little did he know he was already doing a great job at that and as he decorated my collarbone in whatever he saw fit, I popped the buttons off his shirt and it fell effortlessly off his willowy frame. Though I couldn't see in great detail the freckles I knew he had on his shoulders, or the coffee burn on his arm from many years ago, my hands explored each feature like I could see and I pulled him closer to me, his flat stomach smooth and cold against mine.

Nerves. What nerves?

"I'm going to turn the light on…" Tweek whispered.

Oh, those nerves.

I grabbed his arm before it reached the switch and broke the kiss, my breath heavy. "Keep it off" I panted. I could imagine his face, wrinkled in confusion and wondering whether someone like me could possibly be so self conscious.

"I just want you to feel me" I told him as I peppered kisses in the crook of his neck and hoped he wouldn't take it the wrong way.

"Okay..." I heard him mutter and once again I was being lead through the room and onto Tweek's bed, a part of his room I would come to know quite well.

He seated himself in my lap and proceeded to make out with me, the occasional tug of hair and bite of my lip on his part. I could tell that he wanted me to be a little rough with him; a little more dominant. Girls had probed me this way too. But I was fearful I'd hurt Tweek, something I definitely didn't want to do and I was also concerned that I'd disappoint him. I didn't know how experienced he was sexually, it had never come up in conversation. Perhaps he could take it, but I wasn't willing to find out. All I knew for certain was that It was definitely a weird feeling to be the virgin again.

"Take your pants off" Tweek ordered quietly and I felt heat rise to my cheeks. He was being so forward and all of a sudden this was becoming very real again. But I did as he told me and shuffled out of my jeans with no secret to Tweek's wandering hands how aroused I already was.

He caked my jaw in damp kisses that went cold as he left and then he palmed me over my boxers while his other hand was tangled in my hair. "You will like this" he assured me but it sounded more like a question, an uncertain one at that.

Finally I sensed something anxious in Tweek's voice and it made me feel less vulnerable myself.

I gently pushed him down against the mattress before I found myself hovering over him and returning the affection along his jaw and neck. "I will like it, I like you" I was barely able to say, as the heat from my groin spread across my body. I felt him shudder beneath me and squirm even more so as I began to discard of his jeans, watching him attempt to hold his excitement in.

Tweek found my hand knotted in his hair and squeezed it, meanwhile his other hand disappeared into my boxers and boldly grazed past what he wanted. I kicked off my underwear so he could get a better hold. I cleared my throat and tried to focus on getting Tweek's underwear off as his soft fingertips started to become almost painful to bare.

He twitched for the first time that night when I managed to rid him of his boxers and touch him the way that he was touching me. It was interesting to hold and arouse another penis besides my own and this most certainly was the first time I'd done it.

I could hear a moan trapped in the back of his throat and continued to touch him in all the parts that made it louder or caused a twitch. All of a sudden, hearing him enjoying himself and imagining how impure his soft face looked right now, I couldn't stop my body from proceeding quicker than I'd anticipated. I found I was enjoying myself too.

His legs widened and I fit perfectly between them with all the space that I needed to kiss him from his face to his stomach, his length still in my hand, his own hands were pried away from mine and carefully pinned above his head.

"Craig…" He simpered. It had been so long since I'd heard my name echoed so sincerely. I took a second to wonder if he'd done it before when he was by himself, the same way I did when I thought about him in my own quiet mind.

It was getting closer to that time I'd prepared myself for. Almost everything I'd read in those stupid gay articles and the useless porn seemed pointless now that I was really in the situation. He sat up with me as I reached for my bag at the foot of the bed to retrieve a small bottle of lubricant and a condom. I imagined how impressed and shy his face would look right now. At least my face was looking like that anyway.

Our eyes had adjusted to the dark a little better and he quickly made out what I was holding. He willingly took the condom and ripped the package open. For a moment I thought he was about to take over but it turned out he wanted me to do it and eased the rubber over me, tantalisingly slow at that. Behind all my groans and shivers I was seriously starting to get curious about how many times Tweek had done this. Not that I cared.

His weight shifted away from me and once again he lay on his back, gazing up at me expectantly.

While I made use of the lube (very generously I might add,) I distracted him with kisses and my free hand returned to his hard on. If I was enjoying myself earlier, I didn't know how to describe the swell of anxiety, lust and excitement that was bubbling up right now as my partner attempted to conceal his groans and pleaded me to stop taking my time.

When I had to use both my hands to position myself above him, he replaced my own and continued to jerk himself off, trying his best to keep quiet. This was also something I may have possibly imagined while alone, with only my own thoughts and hands.

Judicious as to how it would hurt for him and feel for me, I gave him a quiet warning and kissed him gently. I eased into him slowly, pausing every now and then to ask if he was okay.

Embarrassing, maybe, but I cared more about if I was hurting him than my performance at that moment. He squirmed a little and squeezed a tiny "yes." He'd been holding his breath and I felt bad again. I soothed my palm over his cheek and kissed him once again. I continued to push all the way in and then out, more than ready to go again as soon as he was.

Tweek felt tight, gloriously tight. Of course I'd expected that but it unrealistically better than I'd imagined. It was hard to keep myself from coming right there and then. It took some restraint and a lot of patience but Tweek wasn't as fragile as I made out and he let me back in the moment I was out, he beckoned me to up my pace as he began to move with me, his whimpers synced with my own.

Making love to Tweek was much better than I'd first thought and I knew wouldn't be as worried next time. Yes, there'd be a next time and a next time after that. Making him feel good made me feel good and making him happy made me happy. It had been years since someone else's happiness hadn't brought me misery. Was I… Changing a little?

Tweek's breath fanned across my chest as he slept peacefully, huddled up to me; his skin against mine. I watched him and played with his hair and I pondered whether I should stay the night or get back home before my dad woke up and realized I still wasn't back with his truck.

I wanted to stay with him, warm and cordial under the covers. I wanted to kiss him in the morning and see his face in the light before I left but I didn't want to lose that privilege permanently because of my dad's temper.

With a sigh, I peeled the sleeping beauty off me and crept into my clothes. "See you tomorrow" I whispered before silently making an exit.

* * *

 **Welcome back and thank you for being patient. I hope this chapter didn't suck.**


	10. It Starts to Fall Apart

**Chapter Ten**

It Starts to Fall Apart

* * *

It was about ten years ago; I remembered it so clearly, the day that I made my first ever best friend.

Craig Tucker, even at age seven was a tough nut to crack. It took sheer patience and skill to meet my high standards of even reaching a good acquaintance. I don't know how exactly Tweek met those standards, but he found a way. Maybe it was the fact he doted on me so well, always praised my ideas and stuck up for me should there be a disagreement with the other kids. He looked at me like I was his hero and I barely understood why.

Nothing had changed much because even today I was abusing my power and taking advantage of the fact he cared for me so much. Nothing had gotten better because even back then I fed on his affection and I loved the attention. Was that still the case? I remember our first conversation quite well.

"What happened to your face?" I asked Tweek. Back then, I hadn't cared to learn his name. To me and everyone else in the class, he was the troubled coffee kid who sometimes had fits or panic attacks if you were lucky enough to witness such an episode.

"M-my face?!" He shrieked, instantly scared of what I'd do to him should he so look me in the eye and dare to speak.

"Yeah" I replied "it looks pretty fucked up." He winced at the curse and I shrugged. I'd adopted a potty mouth at a very early age.

His face was indeed a little fucked up. He had a nasty bruise forming on his eye and a spot of blood dripping from his nose. He'd also been crying, all huddled up in the school's playpark with rivers of tears and snot gushing down his face.

"GAH! I'm fine" he sniffed but still avoided eye contact with me.

"What's your name" I questioned as I tried to sound less intimidating.

"Tweek Tweak" he whimpered, it was nearly inaudible and I remember thinking what a weird name.

"Okay… Tweek… What happened?"

"Some kids threw, nghh, a rock at me. Bruised my eye and t-triggered a nose bleed." He was hesitant to answer me and clearly looked embarrassed. I honestly felt bad for him as I watched him stifle his tears. His bottom lip quivered as the blood began to dry around his nose. Being fairly high up in the social food chain as I was, I never experienced bullying like this… In fact, I regret to say now that I usually caused it.

But that day, I felt something twist. I wanted with every piece of my being to help this kid.

"Who did this to you?" My face remained stern as I knelt down to finally catch his eyes. There was no avoiding me.

"I… I shouldn't say" he stammered.

"Tweek Tweak. Are you gonna sit here and let people do this to you? Tell me which bastards did this to you already!"

The louder I raised my voice, the more he began to cry, twitch and yell incoherent words to himself.

"B-Bill Allen and Fosse McDonald" the poor kid barely managed to choke out, almost trembling.

"Come with me" I grabbed his bare hands and dragged him across the snow despite his protests. He was suddenly aware of where I was taking him, or more accurately who I was taking him to and began to panic and he tried his hardest to wriggle out of my grip.

"Craig, GAH! S-stop they're gonna beat, my, my-"

"Listen here" I spun around and got all up close to his face, my eyes bored into his which were full of fear and regret. I was determined to shape this boy up. "Bill and Fosse are little shits who have nothing better to do than throw rocks because they're too pussy to face you. Are you gonna take this?! Don't let people walk all over you. Not these bullies, not your friends, not your mom or dad-" My voice trailed off as I thought about how I was no better. My dad, even at my premature young age, was already drilling into my head who I was to become.

Could someone like me really help someone else? I thought.

"Me and you, together, we're gonna sort these freaks out, okay?" My voice had softened and Tweek hesitantly nod his head.

I approached the two who had thrown a rock at Tweek and just as I had expected, it escalated into a fight but at least I made them apologize to Tweek, whether it was through a mouthful of snow and dirt or not, and even though I had a full week of detention, it was well worth it. I'd made a new friend and I quite liked this one.

The rest was history. Me and Tweek were inseparable since then and always had each other's backs. We got into a lot of fights with other kids, we got into a few fights with each other too but somehow we always gravitated back to one another. That was until of course puberty came and… That thing messed it all up. But more on that later.

Thinking back, I'd seen myself in his terrified little features that day and just as much as I wanted to save him, I wanted to save myself. That friendship was arguably one of the best things that happened to me in my childhood- no, my life.

* * *

It was a brilliant fucking day.

I woke up with this amazing feeling in my chest, an appreciated good morning text from Tweek who, I quote, slept great and for the first time in recorded history, I had woken up with a smile on my face. The whole family was shocked at my response that morning too. I happily ate the crap dad had prepared me for breakfast, I kissed them all on the cheek and waltzed out of the house on the way to actually being on time for school.

It was even better that dad thought I was going crazy over some girl, it meant no worries for me for a while regarding said father. Hell, I was surprising myself with this attitude of overwhelming positivity. It was almost sickening.

Clyde caught up with me along the way to school, he was panting once he finally made it within my pace and this morning I didn't find him such a headache to walk with.

"Please slow down! Normally you're late and-" he came to a halt, hands resting on his knees and his jaw hitting the ground in bewilderment. "You're smiling!" He exclaimed "In the morning no less!"

"Don't be so over dramatic" I chuckled and we continued to stroll together through the blankets of snow which were building higher and higher each day.

"I haven't seen you like this for months. You got laid didn't you?" He instantly smirked.

"Maybe. Maybe not" my joyful grin did not waver.

"No fucking way! Who is she?! I can't think of anyone you haven't had a go at yet. It better not be Bebe."

"I'm not a manwhore, I haven't slept with many girls at all Clyde, but no, it's not Bebe."

"Aren't you gonna tell me? Your best buddy?"

"Not a chance."

"Fair enough."

He eyed me up and down curiously, his eyes were searching for clues or breakage of some sort in my demeanour. Of course he found none and instantly gave up on attempting to ask another question. Somehow he knew that his bothersome personality wasn't going to get under my skin that morning.

"Speaking of Bebe, I think I've gotten somewhere with her" he mused proudly.

"Oh really?"

"Yes, she said that she was looking forward to me coming to her party and she touched my shoulder when she said it too, isn't that amazing?!"

Oh, how blissful it was to be an excited young teenager, in awe of your first kiss, your first girlfriend and your first time entering that unknown, uncharted world that is romance. That only briefly happened to me before I fell into a bad habit of becoming a douche and avoiding l-o-v-e like the plague. There was something so charmingly immature about Clyde's excitement and I truly wished the best for him, for we all knew that Bebe Stevens was not an easy fish to catch.

School rolled on quickly, but not as quickly as the events I was having to write down in my planner. Dinner with Red's family was only in a couple of days and that was something I was not at all looking forward to, but in my current mood I was able to forget about it. Then the winter dance was on Friday where Bebe would throw her much talked about party afterwards. Both of those events I may or may not have been looking forward to. But then the next week was the big game against Middle Park high, the one me and my team had been training for all season.

It was fair to say I had a pretty busy schedule and a lot of my free time would be spent practicing for the game some more and hopefully being able to "help Tweek with his homework" as well.

"You're cheerful today" Kyle remarked as I got my football kit on.

"I am, yes" I grinned at him, quite genuinely actually. Even Kyle's prying couldn't put a puncher in my tire today and feeling more trust towards him than anyone else, I told him truthfully what had been going on.

"I spent the night with Tweek" I admit to him, my face didn't morph an inch. Kyle's, however, dropped to the floor and his eyes grew bulbous like saucers.

"You mean, you…"

"Yes and I think I've figured some things out."

Once the redhead had time to compose himself and his thoughts, he leaned in closer and spoke so quietly it was almost a whisper. "Was that who you were talking about at the coffee shop?" I nod in response and he fist pumped the air. "Yes! I knew it! I fucking knew it! Craig Tucker plays for the other team!"

I smacked his arm and gave him a piercing warning with my eyes to shut the hell up before I made his day extremely difficult. It took him a second to comply and lower his voice again to ask a question, a question I had very much wished not to be asked.

"Does this make you gay?"

I took a long breath before my mouth could even form the bulshit I was about to tell my friend. "It makes me… How do I put it…" Kyle rattled his gym locker in anticipation for my answer, each golden freckle stared at me impatiently.

"It makes me like Tweek, a bit more than a friend, I guess" I finally told him.

"You guess?"

Fortunately before he could argue with me any further, coach was whistling at us and before we knew it, our helmets were on and snowflakes were melting on our faces, the cold not enough to stir the pure determination that my team had to win the game the following week.

I spent lunch with Clyde, Jimmy and Token. I didn't tell them anything that I had told Kyle because not only did they have big mouths but I'd have to face them everyday knowing that they knew something strange about me. But today I engaged in conversation and suddenly Token's story didn't seem so boring, Jimmy's jokes didn't seem so dry and Clyde's blabbering well, it was still irritating but bearable. From the corner of my eye I saw Tweek sat with Bebe and Wendy again, he stole a glance at me from behind a cup of coffee and I was looking forward to seeing him later.

There was one more person I was yet to see before my school day was over and said character was in a grubby orange parka. He was loitering around my locker with a least to say paranoid look painted across his face.

All the socializing and participating today was starting to give me a headache and I could feel the buzz from a good fuck begin to crash and cave in on me. Kenny was and has always been one of the biggest mentally challenging people to hold a conversation with but the two of us would, unfortunately, find each other in one another's company more than often.

For what reason he was waiting for me by my locker with a worrying expression, I had yet to find out. Part of me wanted to bring my books home and avoid the situation completely, for I could already tell whatever was troubling him was about to become my problem too.

Begrudgingly, I opened my locker and greeted the urchin. "McCormick,can I help you?" I asked him. He bit his lip and tapped his fingertips against metal. No answer yet, no cocky joke or mischievous smirk, something must have really been bothering him. "Are you alright?" I dared to ask.

"The winter dance" he muttered.

"Yes, what about it?"

"You're gonna take Tweek, right?"

I hadn't decided whether I'd take Tweek to the winter dance. I wasn't sure whether he wanted to go in the first place or whether I'd want to take him as my date at all.

"I don't know" I replied simply as I wondered what the relevance of the question was.

"You have to do it" he ordered, his face as hard as rock but his eyes full of something I could only better describe as fear, and not just any ordinary fear, but life-threatening-shitting-pants kind of fear. Perhaps he sensed that I was examining his face for too long or that I hadn't clearly answered his question and he quickly whipped out an envelope from his pocket before thrusting it towards me.

"Two-hundred dollars, take it! Tweek needs to go to this dance with you" he said frantically. Dirty hands held out dirty money to me and desperation oozed from his tone of voice. He had me backed up against my locker now and we were beginning to attract attention in the hall. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do, what to say and how to get the hell out of this situation.

Why was Kenny so anxious and adamant for me to take the money? That was arguably a lot of money in that envelope and this ridiculous deal was something I'd nearly forgotten about in my hazy love-sick bliss. Reality was kicking in once again; shame was replacing the giddiness inside my chest and Kenny's scared little eyes were beginning to frighten me too.

"I'm not taking this money, I can't do this shit anymore" I hissed in his ear, our bodies far too close for my liking.

"Fine, don't take the money, but take Tweek to the dance, you have to. You like him don't you?!" His pleading was becoming more audacious by the minute. What was possessing the lax charmer to act this way?

"I like him" I swallowed and gently pushed Kenny away from me. "But I… I can't take him to the dance, I'm not ready. I don't want people to see us together." Each word tasted like shit in my mouth and I began feeling like such an awful person again for how petty and cowardice my words sounded. Kenny's eyes flew wide with a little anger now.

"Why not?!" He demanded.

Yes, Craig, why can't you take the person you like to a stupid dance no one cares about?! My brain screamed at me.

The fury between us began to take a toll on me and I didn't want to hear Kenny remind me of how shallow I was being.

We glared intently at each other until Kenny's grip on me softened and I was able to push him off me, close my locker and walk away. I heard him curse over and over under his breath as I made my way to the exit and the question still stood as to why he was so worried about me obeying Cartman's twisted game rules. Perhaps I'd find out how important Kenny really was to this ordeal, or was he just a pawn?

My heart was beating so rapidly that I could hear it pulsate in my ears and the more I dwelled on Kenny's breakdown just now, the more I worried for my own stability. What the fuck was going on around here? I thought.

Late afternoon I was sprawled across Tweek's bed and gazing up at the ceiling in deep thought as he scribbled over lined pages and tossed them in the trash can.

"Craig, you know you're meant to be my tutor still, right?" He sounded stressed out. I felt stressed out too but there was no way he could have noticed that as I answered with a tired grunt of agreement.

"I have an essay to write on Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio" he told me "and it's hard because I just keep thinking about Ninja Turtles." I would have laughed if I didn't feel so thoughtful. Besides, my brain was swamped with exam questions and homework for my own subjects that I could barely keep up with. Art history wasn't exactly in my field of knowledge.

"Sorry Tweekers, my brain is dead" I pronounced the last word rather morbidly and closed my eyes, desperately attempting to discard of the encounter with Kenny earlier. I could feel something bad happening, like the way a fisherman senses a storm. I'd known Kenny as long as I can remember and if he was this terrified of something then everyone else was fucked. I'd never seen him in such a state before.

I opened my eyes once I felt Tweek crawl on top of me. He rested his chin on my chest and began playing with my hair that was far too long and shaggy now. I wrapped my arms around him tightly and inhaled the sweet aroma of coffee and spice and everything nice.

My heart kept telling me this was right, this was so, so right. To look at the way his body just fit perfectly around mine, the way he sensed if there was something wrong with me, the way he just… Completely didn't deserve to be apart of this mess I'd got him in over some stupid bet. A mess he wasn't even aware that he was in.

He kissed me and my worries folded themselves somewhere into the back of my mind. His lips instantly captivated me and I closed my eyes until he broke apart. He was smiling sweetly at me.

"You look tired" he pointed out. That didn't begin to describe it.

"So do you" I croaked, a smile on my face that invited him closer.

"Do you wanna talk about it?"

"There's nothing to say" I stroked his cheek with my knuckles, calloused and sore from hours of practice, as was most of my body. In fact, I was very worn out at the moment, pressure was hitting me from every figure in my life and Tweek, ironically, seemed to be the only sense of sanity in my life right now.

"You work hard" he whispered, his hands ghosted over my thighs and he began softly kissing my neck.

"Tweek…" my words trailed off and before his hands reached the end of my zipper, I bolted up, some good old samaritan sense quickly taking over.

"Stop, your parents-"

"Are at work"

"You don't have to…" He silenced me by placing a finger on my lips and frowning, almost offended at my objection.

"Let me do what I want, Craig" he didn't break eye contact with me until I gave in and flopped my head back against the mattress with my legs dangling off the end of Tweek's bed and his body between them.

I rubbed my face harshly, awfully conflicted between not just my head and my heart anymore, but now my dick had decided to join in as well. This was going so wrong, so terribly wrong. If Tweek only knew what was going on, he'd want to be nowhere near me, let alone try to make me feel better. But I had to admit that he was taking the edge off; he knew exactly how to win Craig Tucker's undivided attention and once he pulled my boxers down, there it was, instant peace of mind.

So I let him go down on me and as his tongue rolled around my hard on, I matted my fingers in his hair and tried to forget how dreadful of a person I was being right now.

Some time after we had finished, Tweek put a movie on his laptop and curled up with me as the sky began to darken and the snow became heavier outside. He was smiling contently and that night he felt so warm; there was no twitching. He was glowing with the false hope that I was as perfect as he'd always hoped and believed and I, not surprisingly, was bathing in the guilt of that.

About halfway through Point Break my phone violently buzzed. The both of us, drowsy as we were, had been stirred by the device. I was about to decline until I saw who was calling and instantly I didn't feel sleepy anymore.

"Wait here, I have to take this" I untangled myself from my lover who made a sound of protest and gazed at me sadly. I'd spoiled a nice moment again.

"I'm sorry" I whispered and kissed his cheek before I head into the bathroom next door.

"What is it?" I greeted quite harshly but Cartman did not sound as slick and coy as other days. In fact, he sounded pissed off.

"Hey asshole, why didn't you take Kenny's offer?" He seethed.

"Because I'm sick of this, it's not fair on Tweek" for once, I was answering someone honestly and allowing my heart to take charge here but I tried to keep my voice down, knowing Tweek was just in the other room.

"Since when did you give a crap about Tweek, huh? You've been taking my money for the last two weeks and god damnit if you don't take him to the dance I'm gonna fuck your life up, Craig, I'm gonna fuck your life up so fucking hard and you know it!"

My temper was about to blow up when I cursed profoundly at him in a furious whisper. "Don't even threaten me, you gave me your money and I don't want it anymore! I… I care about Tweek and I'm not going to lie to him anymore. I don't know why you wanted me to date him in the first place but whatever it is, get someone else to do your sick work, I won't be apart of it."

There was silence on the other side of the line before his grotesque voice sliced through me like a knife. "If you really care about that boy, then rethink what you're doing here..."

"Go fuck yourself" I ended the call and blocked his number straight away. I eradicated his details and messages from my phone while my mind was racing across the conversation just then. What did that last bit mean? Was he threatening Tweek? I could handle him threatening me, I could handle a brawl too, but no way could I handle the thought of someone hurting Tweek.

Suddenly, I was splashing my face with cold water and worrying obnoxiously about the most important person in my life right now and for once in my life, that person wasn't myself.

I'd opened a can of worms and something awful was going to happen to us. What if Cartman told Tweek about our bet? Maybe I should come clean before he knew and maybe he would forgive me but… Why should I be forgiven? I deserved whatever backlash I got.

After I collected my thoughts, I returned to Tweek's bedroom to find him sat up in bed, wide awake and looking somewhat troubled.

"Who was that?" He queried as he made room for me beside him again. We were already in our boxers ready for bed and no doubt it would be long before we'd drift off to sleep, if my mind let me, that was.

"Just my dad, he wanted to know where I am. You know what he's like" I explained as I scooted towards him. He cocked his head in thought and examined my eyes, my mouth. Could he tell I was lying?

Either choosing to believe me, or ignoring the fact I was lying through my teeth, he pressed play on the movie and rested against my shoulder. his hand searched for my own for comfort or just to make sure I wouldn't leave him. This protective and loving hand was something I knew I didn't deserve and I was sure deep down he knew it also.

* * *

 **A/N:** **Thank you all so much for your feedback. I'm glad to be back and I'm so glad a lot of my readers waited for me! Because of being away from this story for so long, I've made myself some massive plot holes and I'm going to spend the next day or two fixing them.**

 **By the way, I bet none of you can guess what Cartman's actually doing. Believe me, there's a legitimate reason that he's giving Craig money. Until the next chapter, adios.**


	11. Internalized

**Chapter Eleven**

Internalized

* * *

 **A/N:** **More smut in this chapter and also those distressing themes I mentioned earlier. Read at your own accord.**

It was a particularly snowy day on Monday morning; the entirety of South Park woke up half an hour earlier to scrape ice and snow off their cars ready for school and work. School was really pushing their luck mind you, forcing the students to lug themselves through knee-high snow for the day. In fact, I was worried that football practice might be off today because of the extreme weather and hell knows I needed the extra practice as the team leader.

I'd spent the weekend fluttering from Tweek and his parents' house to my own family, managing to squeeze lunch in with Token and Clyde and trying to get on everyone's good side, especially my dad. No doubt he was growing suspicious of my recurring absences out with Tweek although he didn't know any better. As far as he was concerned, I was tutoring a friend in class.

Cut me some slack, at least it was half true.

The night before, I stayed at Tweek's again. We had french toast and hot coffee with his parents for breakfast (who, by the way, I was warming up to a lot more) and then we strolled to school together, Tweek clad in a thick coat and mittens after my insists.

With my free hand, I pulled out a cigarette and Tweek sheltered the flame of my lighter for me as I lit the end; his hands shivered in the alpine bitterness of Colorado. The first of December had been and gone, we were now a few days into the month and although snow was not a foreign visitor to our little mountain town, it didn't make it any easier to deal with; my stogy was only just hanging between my frozen lips for dear life without falling.

"I-it's cold" Tweek pointed out, quite obviously.

"I know" I replied as I inhaled the hot smoke deep into my lungs and offered my counterpart a toke. It helped one warm up in its own strange way.

"I'm really not looking forward to tonight" I sighed.

"I know… Just, get it over with. You can text me under the table if you like" he grinned. We were of course referring to the dinner I had to have with Red and her family later that evening. I didn't know them very well and the fact my dad wanted me to get close was a sure sign things would be uncomfortably boring at her house.

"I will text you, Tweek" I smirked at him and watched in amusement as he struggled to walk through the snow, shivering and trying not to laugh with my cigarette in his mouth. After observing him pitifully, I pulled my hat off my head and held it out to the blond no sooner had I got it back from him. "Here" I smiled "you may as well keep it."

He wide-eyed the fabric and gingerly took it from me. "But… this is your hat" he said faintly while he twiddled it in his fingers, as if it were something sacred.

"Yeah and it's yours now" I interjected before he could argue with me any further. He pulled it over his snow-glazed mane and beamed up at me lovingly as I marveled him in my hat. Arguably, it suit him more than me.

Once we got closer to the crowds of students and the intimidating gates of school, Tweek dropped my hand. Alas, the moment of morning affection was pierced harshly by the unsettling sight of hundreds of eyes pinned onto me, even after Tweek had let go of my hand. I could feel gazes from every direction burn through my cold skin, sniggers from girls and the cupped hands of boys that sheltered judgemental whispers. I began to inwardly panic, my brain was frothing and... What the fuck was going on?

Tweek was also feeling the effects of this, his hands twitched anxiously as he feigned to keep the most nonchalant brave smile upon his face. My throat quickly became dry and my heart plummeted up to my ears. Something had happened.

Storming ahead and leaving Tweek to find a familiar face of his own, I swiftly trudged through the entrance and blocked out every giggle and finger that pointed at me. A hand yanked me towards them and I was face to face with Clyde, a wary look painted across his face while his hand gripped to my jacket tightly.

"Don't" He warned, but I had no idea what he was warning me about. I leaned closer to him and licked my lips, I was trying not to hyperventilate.

"What the fuck is going on?!" I hissed, all too aware of the people around me. Everyone knew something that I didn't.

"You just… Craig, don't be mad, okay?" He looked cautious.

"Why would I be mad? You need to tell me what the fuck is happening right now or I will be mad."

"Cartman. He's got you."

"What do you mean?!"

That was when Clyde let go of my jacket and motioned to the hall. Without sparing another glance to my friend, I wasted no time in chasing the cause of all this ruckus. I galloped to where the crowd gathered the most and pushed past all the shocked and curious faces.

It was then that I'd never felt so unbelievably violated in my life. My eyes were searing and I could feel a vein on my forehead poke out and pulsate with anger. He'd done it, the fat asshole had really fucked me over.

There were photographs nailed to every billboard in the hall, taped to every other locker, strewn across the floor and clutched in jarred hands. These photos were of me and Tweek kissing against the desk of his bedroom, the memory was only a week or so old and fresh as fruit. Tweek had found his way into the crowd and stared in disbelief at a photo he'd scooped up from the floor. I watched his tired eyes scan the paper and his face redden in embarrassment. He caught my eyes and furrowed his brows in dismay and then a look that I'd seen all too often… He stared at me apologetically.

How was that fair? I looked closely at the photo of me and Tweek and felt the anger boil in the pit of my stomach. The moment was private, it was mine. What gave the fatass a right to do that to me? To us.

All of a sudden PC Principal came parrading down the halls, barking at the students to get back to class and eyeing the photographs intently. He caught me glare in disbelief and yelled my name before I blanked him and bolted through the halls. My throat was dry as bone and the panic had already seeped in. I briefly caught him drag Tweek into his office before I slipped into the toilets and ran to the sink to splash my febrile face with cold water.

This couldn't have been happening. Everyone would know, everyone would fucking think I was a fag.

As I held a vicious staring contest with my reflection, ready to smash it into shards, someone at the door brought me out of my moment.

"Hey Tucker buttfucker." His voice was childish and raspy, it didn't take too long to figure out who was stood at the doorway of the boys' restroom.

Kenny McCormick stood, a stash off photographs in his grasp and a coy expression buttered across his face. I hastily put one and one together.

"You… You fucking did this!" I bolted towards him and gripped his orange parka before I pressed him up against the tiles and heard his head thud against the ceramic and the photos littered across the floor. The latter grinned up at me, wrapped his hands around my wrists and nod his head, almost victoriously.

"Why!?" I smacked his body against the wall to earn a hiss of pain before he attempted to push me away, succeeding.

"I told you to take Tweek to the dance, didn't I? So did Cartman, but you had to go and ignore us. Should've listened." Before I knew it, I was back at his shoulders and neck like a dog off it's leash, my teeth bared savagely.

"What do you mean us? Why are you in on this? It has nothing to do with you!" I seethed and Kenny's smile flipped into aggression as he fought against my football grip on his shoulders, wincing and struggling to pry away. I wasn't even pushing as hard as I could, I knew that I could break a bone or two in the poor kid's flimsy little body but I held back to demand answers.

"Why didn't you just take the money? We were good, why did you have to make this difficult!?" He growled. I couldn't believe that not so long ago I considered this boy a friend.

"It was wrong. It was wrong and you know it."

"Ain't nothing wrong about being paid to bust your nut, amigo." I could barely comprehend the cockiness in his voice and then I absolutely lost it.

Before he could laugh at himself, my hands were around his neck; I was pushing the dirty blond hard against the tiles until his nails were hacking at my arms and his legs flapped around aimlessly like a fish out of water. All I could see was red.

"Listen here you trailer trash piece of shit!" I spat, my fingers clamped round Kenny's neck even tighter "why the fuck are you so involved in this? You hate Cartman!"

He tried to answer me but his voice came out in mangled whimpers and his face began to turn an alarming shade of purple. My brain was screaming at me to let go before I accidentally ended the guy's life but my hands would not loosen, my teeth were grinding so hard together I could hear them louder than Kenny's boots thrashing against the wall.

"You were meant to be my friend. Why would you do this to me, huh?!" I could hear the hurt in the back of my throat and eyes that threatened to break through already. "You told me all this bullshit about taking Tweek somewhere nice, about you and Butters in the tiki motel; I thought you were on my side, why are you doing Cartman's dirty work!?"

Kenny tried his hardest to wrestle my hands off his tender neck, he barely managed a gasp of air here and there until I lay all of my body weight against him and had him completely stradled.

"I-I.. ch-" He croaked.

"You what?!"

"I cheated" Kenny only just managed to squeeze out the words before I dropped him and he crawled against the urinals on the other side of the restroom. He was choking and coughing frantically, clutching his chest that rose and fell as quick as our heartbeats. I loomed over him and let him regain his breath before I probed the conversation further.

"What do you mean you cheated?" I asked gravely. Kenny looked away shamefully.

"I cheated on Butters. Me and the guys went to a halloween party in October, it was in costume, I got really drunk and I fooled around with some guy…" he covered his face with his dirty hands and proceeded with his now hoarse and laboured voice "Cartman knew about it. He said he was gonna tell Butters if I didn't do as he said… I didn't want to lose your trust Craig but you have to understand… I love Leo, if he left me I'd- I'd fucking kill myself."

"If you loved him then why would you cheat on him!?" I crouched down to meet his face, a shade hot pink from the choking and then tears that started to brim around his blue eyes.

"I don't know. It was stupid."

"You're damn fucking right it was stupid because now you've got me into shit with these photos. How did you even get them?"

"Cartman's drone.. He-"

"I should've know. That nazi bastard..." I felt my legs bend and I slid my back down the wall to sit against it and opposite from Kenny who seemed to have regained his breath back. He stared at me; I stared right back, rage less present.

"So, Cartman is blackmailing you into making my life a living hell because you're lying to your boyfriend?" I asked. He shot me a look of bewilderment.

"Hey, don't take the moral fucking high ground, Craig, because you're not any better. None of this would be happening if you weren't lying to Tweek." I couldn't argue, he was right. I narrowed my eyes at him and he returned the glare before he muttered under his breath "If you weren't such a closeted little pussy we'd still be friends you know."

"Oh right, because I don't fuck everything I see I'm a pussy? You cheated on your boyfriend with another man. That's disgusting" I scorned.

"What do you think is disgusting about it? The fact I cheated or that it was another guy?"

"I… that" I stammered "the fact you cheated obviously!" Kenny snorted.

"Right, whatever Craig, at least I'm confident about my sexuality. I'm not gonna let a confused arrogant asshole with daddy issues shame me for liking boys. In fact, I've thought of giving you a go."

"What did you say?" I could already feel the steam eject from my ears.

"I'd fuck you Craig, I'll fuck you right in your cute little ass." That was it. I leapt towards him and threw my fist into his face, the outburst caused me to shake violently. Kenny looked up at me with bulbous eyes, blood gushed from his nose and yet a gap-toothed grin still patronizing me.

This boy was indestructible.

"Take it back!" I demanded as my breath fanned depravedly over his face.

"Why don't you just admit you like boys."

"Because I don't like boys!" I yelled, fresh tears beginning to protrude through my eyelids and spill over my cheeks. I tried so hard not to cry, not here, not in front of Kenny McCormick.

I punched him again, this time in the stomach and I heard the wind escape from his mouth but here he still was, smiling lopsidedly at me with a grip on my shoulders.

"You like boys, Craig Tucker, you are gay!" he repeated, accentuating every word as if pushing my buttons the first hundred times wasn't enough.

"No!" I wailed between angered sobs and kept slamming his malnourished body against the urinal until his dirty blond hair became matted with scarlet. "I'm not gay! I'm not a fucking faggot like you" the tears were almost painful, the words were leaving a sour taste in my mouth but I didn't stop. "I hate you, all of you fucking queers, I'll kill you, I'll fucking kill you, you goddamn fairy piece of shit!" The words escaped my mouth as quickly as the tears and I couldn't take them back. Kenny's head must've become numb after the many times it hit the urinal, hair saturated in piss and blood. The insane smile was long gone. He moaned in pain as he became more and more limp with each concussion.

However, a surge of strength came over him and he unexpectedly swung his fist in the air until it collided with my mouth, instantly causing me to stumble back and curse at the sting, letting him go.

"Kill me then!" Kenny screamed at me. The blood and tears created an unusual consistency across his face. He grabbed the front of my jacket and shook me vigorously, forcing me to look into his swollen red eyes. "Kill me, fucking kill me! I don't want to live in a world with hateful confused dirtbags like you. So go on, do it, do it right now!"

He was crying. He was crying uncontrollably and before I had the urge to raise my fist once again, I took a deep breath, I let it out and I gradually stood to my feet. This was the moment I realized that the situation wasn't right and it wasn't worth it.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, tears and snot, eyes pink and puffy and then there was the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. Kenny was huddled against the urinal, clutching his nose in agony.

I splashed water on my face and waited for it to cool down before I head to the exit, definitely on my way to skipping the rest of school and taking a drag on a well deserved cigarette.

"Where are you going?!" Kenny sniffed. He was still sobbing.

"I won't tell Butters what you did" I spoke as calmly as I could muster "but don't fuck with me and Tweek again, or I really will hurt you next time."

And with that, I left.

* * *

I came home to an empty house with mom and dad at work and Tricia in school. I took the golden opportunity to quickly jump in a shower and wash the sweat off my body and the dried blood on my lips. I couldn't believe what had happened, I was still trying to wrap my head around the events of that morning. Moreover, I couldn't begin to come around to what I said to Kenny… The harshness of those words that deep down I didn't believe at all. I sounded just like my dad, just like every other less evolved redneck in this damn town…

I could feel my already sore eyes spill again but couldn't tell if it was the hot water of the shower or my tears until I let out a choked sob.I couls be as loud and embarrassingly emotional as I pleased since no one was around to overhear. Kenny was right, I was confused, lost and more importantly, an incredible asshole.

When dad came back home a little later than I anticipated, he didn't look too shocked to see me a little earlier than he anticipated and told me sternly to take a seat with him before anything else could be said. I'd have felt nervous about it if I hadn't had a crazy enough day already. I doubt anything could've swayed me after that.

"Son" he began, as he always did "I got a call from PC Principal today..." He smelled of Skeeter's bar. "He told me something happened with you and some photos."

"Yeah" I replied.

"Some photos of you and the Tweak kid."

"Yeah…" He stared distastefully at me "it's not what you think, dad."

"What I think is that this nancy boy you've been tutoring has a thing for you and, well, I didn't see the picture but he… kissed you, didn't he?"

"Well yes but-"

"And you kissed him back?"

I paused.

"No" I lied remorsefully under my breath. I lied to my own father.

"Ha! I thought so. No son of mine is fruity, aren't I right, Craig?" he cheered and I nod only to then stare down into my lap, full of guilt.

"But he can find a new tutor, I don't want you hanging round him anymore."

"But dad-"

"No! I won't have some pervert poisoning you with this homo crap, do you understand? In fact, I should call Richard and tell him to keep his son on a damn leash. In my time, kids like that would be in an insane asylum."

I swallowed a thick lump in my throat. I wanted to defend Tweek, I wanted to find an excuse so that he'd let me see him but nothing could come to mind. All it was now was like talking to a brick wall, an outdated and ignorant wall at that.

"Just leave it" I almost whispered "I won't see him again." This was of course a lie but he believed me. So he'd heard about the photos but not the fight with me and Kenny? My guess was that Kenny went home and didn't rat me out. After all, he had a big secret too and now we were both idly protecting one another's.

"Have a beer, we're going to the Bertha's later in case you forgot" dad chucked me a beer from the fridge and took one for himself. In fact, I hadn't forgot. I wasn't looking forward to it at all either. My head was pounding from the fight earlier and I was worrying immensely about Tweek, about what happened in the principal's office earlier and whether I'd manage to see him today. I'd call off the dinner if it wasn't for the fact that my dad would have a beady hawk eye on me and where I go from now on.

Later I found myself on the passenger seat of my dad's truck, buttoned up in a smart blue shirt with my hair tied back neatly. I joined my dad in staring out of the front window, waiting for mom and Tricia to finish getting ready.

The rock station was playing and the car radio hummed an Aerosmith song that dad drummed his fingers on the wheel to before he stole a glance at me to see if I'd changed my expression. To his dismay, it was as bothered and stone-like as ever.

"Your hair's getting long" he remarked.

"I know. I'll get it cut soon" I told him. There was silence once again besides the music and I watched the sky intently as the snow clouds drifted over my view of the moon. A full moon tonight.

"Son, just to let you know, I'm not mad at you." That would be a first.

"For what, Tweek?" I asked.

"No, no. Not that. But skipping school and everything. Just make sure you're in from now because you gotta win that game. You're South Park's star football player."

"Oh yeah, right." The gloom in my voice must have been painfully obvious.

Before he could ask me what was wrong, mom and Tricia scuttled into the back seats of the truck. Mom leaned forward to give dad a red lipstick kiss and Tricia flipped me off. I would've returned the gesture if I weren't so emotionally exhausted.

The drive to Red's wasn't too long. The three other family members chattered about the holidays, my upcoming game and mom's new promotion among other things. Just a general family chat although I didn't engage. I gazed lonesomely out of the window as soft rock songs echoed throughout the vehicle and drowned out the noise of my family until all I could hear were my thoughts and the melodies of the radio intertwining with the snow like I was in some angsty movie.

I wondered how Tweek was doing. He seemed pretty upset when he saw the photos, so clearly I wasn't overreacting. I wanted to hold him in that moment, tell him I'd protect him and do something about it. Instead I let him take the rats for it with PC Principal. He must've been so nervous…

"We're here!" Mom exclaimed, nudging me from my thoughts as she let herself and Tricia out. the pair went on ahead to the door with a plate of homemade cookies and beaming neighbourly smiles.

Dad's hands were still on the wheel and he was still looking ahead, so motionless in fact that I reached out to touch him until he let out a long sigh and looked at me dead in the eye.

"None of this moping around, you hear me?" He hissed behind his teeth. I nod in response but my eyes were rolling. "I mean it Craig, if you're getting all emotional over that little fag we're gonna have some serious issues."

My fists, knuckles already violet from earlier, balled by my sides. How I wished I could just shut him up sometimes, his horrible mouth, his nasty mind. He didn't stop there.

"Make an impression tonight okay? No son of mine is-"

"I get it. I fucking get it, okay?" I avoided his beady glare.

"Good."

I got out of the truck and slammed the door closed, trying to compose myself as I walked towards Tricia and mom up the drive. Mom was used to this, our frequent quarrels I mean. She had a strong tolerance for my father's behaviour, she married the man for God's sake; I wish that I'd inherited that patient side of her but ironically I'd been given my old man's stubbornness.

Tricia gave me a sad smile but nod at me reassuringly. Out of all of my family, she was the only one who really knew the truth about the whole situation. I supposed it was because I had no reason to lie to her, or that she was just too clever to fool.

Diane and Marcus Bertha opened the door and greeted us all with enthusiastic hugs and handshakes. They pulled us in out of the cold one by one and took mom's cookies appreciatively into the kitchen where Red was pouring everyone a mug of hot apple cider. It was that time of year, the time for cookies and spiced alcohol that even minors were offered.

She smiled at me sweetly, her auburn hair tied up much like mine and I averted my gaze elsewhere. I wondered if her parents had pushed her into "getting along" with me too. If she was at school this morning, she would've seen the dreaded photos too. Two unnerving thoughts all in one second of looking at her.

"It's so nice to see you all. We have roast chicken on the go. I'd give it another half an hour but Rebecca's made some delicious hot apple cider" she motioned to the said girl, better known as Red and my parents walked towards her eagerly.

"Smells lovely" mom smiled. It all seemed so fake, so put together. Mom and Diane were apparently friends at work but even so, the conversations were stiff. I was beginning to believe even more that this was all a ploy to set me and Red up on a date. We were both seventeen and if this were really the case then, how childish.

As we all waited for the chicken to cook, Tricia made use of the Bertha family's grand piano and distracted everyone long enough for me to take the opportunity to wander my way outside for some fresh air and a smoke, mulled cider in hand.

I leaned against the truck and gazed up at the cloudy night sky, my head was somewhere up there, lost. When I checked my phone I realized I had an abundance of missed calls from a bunch of people. Token, Clyde, Kyle and even Wendy but most of them were from Tweek who seemed to have been calling me all day since this morning. I wanted to call him back but I didn't know where to begin. An apology, the truth? Everything was all so muddled.

As I was about to light a fresh cigarette, the door opened and there stood Red, wrapped in a hoodie and scarf and making her way down the path towards me.

"What?" I asked apathetically. I wanted to make it clear I had little interest in anything she was about to say.

"Can I pinch a smoke?" She asked as she motioned to my pack of lights.

"Sure" I offered her one of the cigarettes and tossed her a zippo as she lit the end and expertly inhaled the smoke from between her manicured fingers, exhaling silver smoke out into the cold December air.

"I was super glad to hear Craig Tucker was coming round for supper. Knew I'd get a free cig" she smiled lightheartedly and I shrugged.

"I'm glad someone was happy" I sighed as my smoke danced with Red's. She tapped the ash off the end and shifted her weight onto each foot over and over, an attempt to warm up.

"Look, I know what our parents are up to and I'm just as excited about it as you are." So her parents were in on it too. "But rest assured, I won't be going on any dates with you anytime soon."

"Glad to hear."

"At first I wasn't opposed to it. Utter jock, straight A student, not bad looking but…" she took another drag of the cigarette "I heard all them rumours you might not be so straight after all and after those photos today… Well, I don't judge but I'm not gonna get involved."

As much as I wanted to argue with her, deny the accusation and save my reputation, I hadn't the strength left in me to argue. I had about enough strength to lift my cigarette to my lips and drown out all the shit that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

"Well I don't want to be involved with the slut of the school so I guess we're mutual there" I said bitterly and she showed no hint of frustration.

"Fair enough" she shrugged and flicked her cigarette butt into the snow. "I heard you're pretty hypocritical. I guess you just proved me right."

"You don't know anything about me" I scoffed, my own cigarette butt discarded.

"Seems like you don't know anything about yourself either."

I bit the inside of my cheek to hold back a witty comeback and refrain from exploding for the third time today. How many times had people said that to me? Things were definitely starting to close in on me and everyone could see it. Kenny, dad and even Rebecca Bertha. They were all picking on me, trying to pull me apart and get a reaction. I wondered how much more of it I could take before I bust someone up again. I wanted to eat some chicken and get the fuck out of here.

"Love to stay and chat but it's freezing out here, see you soon jock." Red made her way back into the warmth of her home and I was left once again in the blissful silence of the night, the smell of cold smoke on my clothes and the taste of warm festive cider in my mouth.

* * *

The Tweak household kept their spare key under one of the gnomes in their front garden and after manhandling each one of the many gnomes, bingo, there it was. I quietly opened the door and crept into Tweek's house, the pungent aroma of coffee hit me first and then the musty smell of old Christmas decorations that they'd began to hang up.

It was some time after 1:00am and despite the streets were pitch black and the majority of South Park were peacefully dreaming, I knew Tweek would be awake at this hour and coincidentally it was the only time I could sneak out after my dad had passed out from a little too much cider to notice I wasn't in my room anymore.

Being cautious not to make a floorboard creak or let my sneakers squeak on the polished wood, I followed the route I knew all too well to Tweek's bedroom in the dark. Light was spilling from under the door so already I knew he must be awake. Swiftly slipping inside, I laid my eyes upon the sleep-deprived character, his clothes strewn across the room and a whole coffee pot all to himself at the bedside table.

"Craig!" He leapt out of bed and greeted me with open arms that coiled around my neck tightly as he burrowed his face into my neck. "Why are you here so late? For a moment there I thought you were a burglar."

I hesitantly returned the embrace, my bruised hands found and soothed the small of his bare back, so smooth and warm. I held him closer and inhaled the scent of him, green apple and something bitter.

"I'm just here for you" I told him quietly.

"I've been calling you all night."

"I know."

"PC Principal-"

"I know."

"I couldn't sleep I was so worried about you."

"I'm sorry."

"What happened?"

He pulled away to get a better look at me and frowned once he caught sight of the damage. "Your lip…" he ran a soft thumb over my chin and carefully observed the work of McCormick even though I was sure that Kenny was in a far worse condition than me.

Tweek skimmed his hand down my cheek and tried to pick out pieces of what had happened to me. I hoped that he couldn't see the rawness of my cheeks from crying, or how sore my eyes were.

"Do you want to talk about it..?" He questioned as if he could read my mind.

"No. I don't" I replied softly. The way he was looking at me, the way that he was making me feel... It made me so fucking angry and I couldn't explain why. Anger, frustration… Why did the butterflies do that to me?

I switched the light off and pushed him onto the bed. He fell on his back into the many cushions and I could see the reflection of the moon sparkling in his eyes but that was pretty much all I could see.

"Are you tired?" He asked me once he felt my weight on the other side of the bed and my shoes thrown off.

"No" I whispered.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I'm going to fuck you."

There was a moment of silence before I heard Tweek barely murmur an "oh…" thoughtfully and I took his head in my hands to kiss him aggressively until he began to return the desperate kiss, moan and thread his fingers through my hair.

Tweek's arms ribboned around my neck and pulled me closer, urging me to touch him but I didn't comply. I broke the kiss, my lip sore from the beating and I decided to kiss and bite his own lip as I pulled his pyjama pants down to his knees and grind against him, piercing my teeth harder into his flesh when he winced at the contact.

His fingers trailed down my chest daintily to unbutton the blue shirt without rush before he came to a sudden halt and bolted upright upon hearing my belt and zipper unclasped and unzipped.

"Craig. S-slow down" he whispered as his hands searched for my knees in the dark.

"Why?" I asked, a little louder than intended.

"I just… what's the hurry?" he squeezed my knees and I knelt down to rest my forehead against his, my breath hot and heavy and my underwear currently pitching a tent.

I kissed his cheek softly instead of giving him an answer. The kisses left a cold trail up to his cartilage and I felt his entire frame shiver beneath me.

"Get on your stomach" I ordered him under my breath, I felt his heartbeat plummet as he did as he was told. I hadn't been this dominant with him before. I couldn't quite tell if he liked it or not either.

I reached for the bedside drawer where we both decided to store the lubricant and condoms and prepared myself for a very discreet activity of "letting off steam" some may call it. My head was flooded with a warm haze of christmas cider and Tweek's soft skin beneath me. I kissed his neck from behind, earning a high pitched whimper.

"I like it when you sound like that" I told him as I stroked a strand of hair away from his face so I could see the little white glint of light in his eye. I could feel his breath quicken beneath me as I slowly eased into him. I pinned his wrists to the mattress while he buried his face into the pillow and winced every now and then.

I was groaning and sweating and leaving a fatal hickey or two on Tweek's neck and shoulder but I didn't feel like I should of, like the dizzy warmth of the last few times I was in bed with Tweek. I felt angry and upset; his sweet little gasps and squirms weren't even enough to drag me out of the emotion.

Tweek made a sound of protest when I clasped his wrists tighter, upped my pace and pushed into him harder, my brows arched and my heart booming. Our breaths came out in ragged intervals and groans

"Craig, you're hurting me" Tweek squeaked almost in a whisper as he attempted to wriggle free of my grip. My eyes felt inflamed and my head was doing that thing where it tells me to stop but I didn't listen to it, I ignored Tweek and proceeded to finish.

"Stop" he breathed, his body contorted out of my grip. I constrained my hands around him and put more of my body weight onto his back though he tried even harder.

"Stop. Fucking stop!" He said much louder and after a second I gave way, I let him go and he collapsed on the pillow, panting heavily and curling in on himself. I scooted to the end of the bed and grabbed my face in horrifying realisation of what the fuck I was doing.

I could feel it again, dams behind my eyeballs threatening to break and I gave into it, I sobbed until I lost my breath and the cries became choked gasps of air. I was crying hysterically for the third time today, something I rare;y do once a year and no less, I was crying in front of Tweek who pulled his pants up and jumped up to turn the light on and stagger towards me with worry in his eyes.

I wished that it was still dark so he couldn't see my face, bruised and pathetically wet with tears. I didn't want to see his face either, strained and upset after what I'd nearly just done to him. I buried my face into my knees and swallowed the sobs, refusing to let him see the mess that I'd become.

He touched my shoulder tentatively and soothed his hand over my skin, his other hand helpless and twitchy in his lap.

"I'm sorry" I sobbed, avoiding his gaze at all costs. He let out a sigh and wrapped both his arms around me to pull me close against his chest until I could feel his heartbeat against my cheek, the warmth of his skin.

"It's okay" he told me calmly. I shackled my arms around his torso protectively and cried against his chest, basking in the soothing sensation of his hands nurturing my hair and smoothing over my back. I didn't deserve this kindness at all. I didn't know why I got so aggressive with him, or why I was crying relentlessly into him afterwards but I knew one thing. The self-hatred was getting me nowhere.

* * *

 **As you can imagine, this chapter was very difficult to write. I promise it won't all be doom and gloom from here out.**

 **Note: My dumb British ass has been calling football "soccer" throughout this entire fic. Just so you know, Craig plays American football and I'm going to rectify all the times I've called it soccer.**


	12. The Monster

**Chapter Twelve**

The Monster

* * *

I didn't show up to school all that week; I persisted to dad that I had an intense migraine after all the drama on Monday. As for Tweek, I hadn't talked to him since I deplorably sobbed on him in bed.

My phone was swamped with texts from almost everyone I knew, Clyde and Token mostly and not to mention coach who was beyond infuriated I hadn't been showing up for practice considering the game we'd been preparing for all season was only a week away. I didn't reply to any of them, I left my phone on silent and sent short half-assed replies to Tweek, as worried and addled as he was. He would've no doubt tried to see me if it weren't for my overbearing homophobic father.

Tweek, well I would've expected him to try visit me anyway, being the considerate yet persistent person that he is, but my one and only visitor this week was someone I certainly wasn't expecting.

Mom had let Kyle Broflovski upstairs to navigate his way to my room and I didn't notice that it was him until a freckle-endorned face poked itself curiously around my doorway and spied me sprawled across my bed, my eyes pinned onto the screen as I played Fallout. I'd been playing video games and watching movies all week with no one but Stripe to keep me company.

"What the fuck is going on. It smells of balls in here" Kyle grimaced and examined the mess. Usually I was very tidy and organised, neat and particular.

"You'd know" I muttered under my breath and pressed pause on my game to sit up and meet my teammate's judgemental glare.

"Where have you been?" He began as he fold his arms with a concerning scowl.

"Here" I answered simply. I hadn't spoken all day, it came out in a tired croak.

"You've been here all week? Dude, coach has been going crazy! If you don't get back to him he's going to cut you from the team, you've missed so much practice."

"I've practiced so much already, surely he can give me a break this once."

"No. The game is next week, which can I remind you, could be one of the last before graduation. The last game we do all together in high school, as a team…"

The redhead's voice deflated slightly and I watched something sad flicker over his eyes. Despite my role as team captain, I never felt an affinity with the team the way that most of the other players did. My leadership was simply down to standards that I could meet, being good at telling people what to do and more than physically able. However, I never much cared for football.

"Last game" I echoed in thought. I hadn't put much thought into graduation; I always assumed we could fit one more game in before studying began for finals. Perhaps I thought wrong. I had my own plans for graduation anyway and it began with a vehicle of my own. The plan may have not been solid anymore after everything with Tweek.

I felt Kyle take a seat next to me on my bed and remove his hat, fiery curls set loose as he let out a long sigh.

"Coach has me ordering the team around now. You know how bad I am at leadership, Craig. No one listens to me" he didn't sound aggravated anymore.

"That's no good" I could've chuckled "you're like a stuffed bear. You're not intimidating enough."

"That's true" he agreed. Kyle made a good sportsman, but good was just about the best it got for him. In another life he'd have been a star basketball player and that's for sure.

"Craig, I gotta ask…" Here it came, something I wasn't in the mood to discuss. "Kenny's bust up, he looks like a walking smoking grape and call it intuition of sorts but I feel like that was your doing" he didn't seem angry or scared around the possibility that it could be me, so after releasing a sigh, I decided to tell the truth.

"It is. We got into a fight on Monday" I admit.

"Can I… Can I ask why? I mean, I know Kenny's got into plenty of fights, came out in worse conditions than with you; he's very annoying, I'm well aware of that. But I didn't pin you down as someone who could get angered so easily." I'm sure he could.

"Usually I'm not. He just…"

I recalled how I had him at his throat, how I held his last breath of air until I finally released him. The horror of his bloody face was still healing in cuts and bruises on my knuckles and a mild case of fatlip. Even a few days after the event, it was hard to wrap my head around what got me so angry and then going to Tweek's house… taking it out on him. I was a mess, unfit to be around people in such a state. A state I barely understood myself.

"Kyle" I stared him right in the eye and like the genuine friend he was, his ears were exposed to listen. "I'm gonna be honest, which is something I'm not very often. There's something wrong with me, okay? I don't know who I am anymore. I thought I was this well behaved, heterosexual student with a good friendship circle and his head high above water but… Tweek. This bet. It's turned everything around, I'm suddenly beating people up and I'm self-conscious, confused" I took a breath. "It's like I've been suppressing something for a long time, a few years or so. It's all coming out."

My heart was palpitating with each word, like a sinful confession in a church. I doubt I could have told anyone else even a fraction of what I just blurted out to Kyle who eyed me sympathetically as he picked at his ushanka hat.

"I can't imagine what it's like Craig, but… you can't do this to people. You're hurting yourself more than anything. Look at you, cooped up in the dark, ignoring all your friends. I mean, I thought you and Kenny were friends?"

"We got along" I corrected him.

"Yeah and now you don't and you don't need to tell me why because I think I already know. Craig, I know you're gonna hate me saying this but gay or straight or whatever else, you don't choose that shit, you're born that way. But what you can choose is happiness and you've chosen to be miserable, that's no one's fault but your own. Why not be happy with who you are?"

"I… I don't know. I don't know who I am to begin with."

"Do you know who you like?"

"Yes."

"And that's Tweek?"

"I… Yes, I guess."

"Then just be with him."

I bit the inside of my check and tried my hardest not to lose my temper, what would Kyle understand? If I could 'just be with him' then I would have.

"I'm not gay" I told him quietly, unsure of what else to tell him and he rolled his eyes, raising his voice a little higher.

"If I had a motherfucking dime every time you said that!" He shook his head "I've been through this with Kenny. Granted, the guy's a sexual deviant and it was a lot easier for him to come to terms with it than you but Jesus..."

"It's not easy for me" I stammered truthfully, the confessions quickly becoming too personal and embarrassing to share.

"Stop thinking about yourself. What about Tweek? How much longer are you going to convince everyone that you're only with him for the money? We see through that bullcrap. And what happens when someone tells him, huh? He's not only gonna be heartbroken that you lead him on for so long but you're also going to have to make the choice whether you want to walk away or fix it and be with him. For real."

Was this another famous Kyle Broflovski speech? The ones that always made a lot of sense but no one wanted to hear. I certainly didn't want to listen to it either, the sound of reason and logic. Questions I didn't have an answer to.

There was a long pause and I had nothing to add or at least nothing I'd wish to say aloud. I didn't plan far ahead, I didn't prepare for if and how Tweek would finally find out he was apart of a bet that turned into something much bigger and far more evil. Then again, I never planned to fall in this deep with Tweek.

I'd become… very fond of him.

Kyle decided to stop there when he received no answer. I felt bad, about everything, so tremendously bad.

"I'm sorry" I told him, my eyes pinned to the floor in shame. He sighed and pulled his hat on before making his way towards the door.

"Are you going to the dance tonight?" He asked.

"Do I look like I'm going anywhere?" I retorted. He smiled.

"If you change your mind then come find me in the bachelors' group. Surprisingly there's only a few of us single dudes left." With that, he departed.

There was a stagnant smell in the air around me and it wasn't just from the lack of showering. I suddenly felt heavy with guilt, heavy with shame and a whole load of other mixed emotions clashing against each other. My phone buzzed against my leg stirred me from the depressive pit and the screen flashed Tweek's name.

The mood changed. It always did when he spoke to me.

Tweekers: Blue or black tux?

I leaned back against the headboard of my bed and gazed up at the blank white of the ceiling in thought as the squeaks and pitter patters of Stripe's feet broke into the silence.

I was thinking about Tweek in a tuxedo, the silken fabric draped over his small frame, the way his shirt would have a few buttons in the wrong places and the way his hair would be ruffled by his pillow and neglected by his comb. He'd look beautiful, with that smile he'd wear that I like and the way that he'd nervously peer at me from behind his long eyelashes. The more I fantasized about it, the more I realised that I wanted to see him, to dance with him. So I made up my mind and I replied.

Me: Blue. I'll see you there.

* * *

The purpose of these seasonal dances was still unbeknownst to me. It was American movie worthy, complete with sparkly Christmas decorations, tacky music and questionable fruit punch. However, it seemed to amuse the students enough for the girls to doll themselves up and the guys to grab themselves a cheap tux with the price tag still tucked neatly into their pocket.

These were the sort of conventions I wouldn't miss when high school was over. One or two more of these things and I'd be free of this dreaded suit I'd been milking since junior year.

This was a suit I'd worn to my grandmother's funeral just after I turned sixteen, bless her heart and soul. It was black of course, smart and slightly on the morbid side but it did it's job, however sweltering and smart it was for school dances. I was more interested in other people's attire than my own anyhow.

The whole senior year filtered into the hall, catching up with their friends under the blue disco lights and helping themselves to punch and mini turkey sandwiches. I'd come in alone via dad's truck and juggled the keys between each hand as I scanned the hall for a familiar face, Kyle perhaps.

I didn't need to look far to spot a shrub of tight auburn curls, desperately gelled back as far as they would go and said boy was entertaining a plastic cup of punch and laughing at something Jimmy Valmer pointed out about the punch being spiked or something along those lines. I swiftly made my way towards him and examined his attire: a black tux, plain and simple. His smile stretched from ear to ear in disbelief as he caught sight of me, passing me a cup of punch and patting me on the back.

"Really didn't think you'd show" he grinned as he held the juice out to me. I shook my head politely and reached into the inside pocket of my jacket, discreetly fishing out a flask and taking a long, putrid sip from the instrument.

"That's so typical of you" Kyle raised his brows and sipped contently on his pink punch. I didn't put it past him for being a good boy and sticking to the punch but me on the other hand, I needed a little hit of something strong and warm to keep me sane in these god forsaken scenarios. It didn't make it any better that I couldn't see Tweek anywhere, not by Wendy, not in the corner sporting a travel mug of coffee. Nowhere.

"Where's Clyde?" I asked as I glanced around the 'bachelor's club' only to find that the school's most well known virgin and crybaby bachelor wasn't amongst us. I would've thought I could at least find Clyde. Kyle rolled his eyes and braced himself to rant.

"I know. I didn't fucking believe it either but look, he's scored with Bebe" the redhead motioned to the bleachers where Clyde, in a sudden wave of confidence, was sat with an arm around Bebe, his eyes hooded and dazed as she laughed at something dumb he said. I couldn't believe it, he'd been talking about her for so long and now as they began making out in the dark corner of the bleachers it actually seemed like he was getting somewhere in his ten-year or so year plan. Well, at least I wouldn't have to listen to his whining every morning on the way to school.

I took another sip of the bitter whiskey from my flask, engaging in conversation with the other members of the bachelor group and watching as Kyle glared almost in irritation at Stan and Wendy dancing playfully together in the centre of the hall.

"They've broken up so many times" he groaned "I wish they would call it a day already." I couldn't tell if it was jealousy or genuine frustration I could sense in Kyle's throat but I sure did know the feeling of yo-yoing back and forth with your best friend. I'd bet that Kyle had been Stan's shoulder to cry on for a year too many by now, what with the amount of times Wendy had broken up with him.

Tweek still wasn't present.

I sloshed the alcohol in my flask and watched Kyle's features sadden pathetically as he observed the famous couple of South Park dance around ecstatically as if they thought they weren't heading in separate paths in a few months.

"If it makes you feel any better, Tweek is one of Wendy's best friends and he told me that she's gonna leave Stan for good after graduation. She's pretty positive she's gonna get into Yale or some shit" I explained. Kyle raised his brows at me and let out a long sigh, perhaps one he'd been holding in for a good few years now. However, he didn't seem surprised.

"I don't know whether that makes me feel better" he told me "I know for certain Stan wouldn't get into Yale."

"Surely he wouldn't want to either?" I add and Kyle scoffed.

"No, he doesn't want to go to Yale but for Wendy he sure will try his ass off."

Stan and Kyle were best friends and it was always evident that Kyle was the more together of the two, always fixing things, always ever the more wise and patient. It was unrequited love at it's finest.

"Tweek's here" Kyle told me quietly, the faintest of smiles on his lips.

I spun around on my heels quicker than I anticipated and sure as snow in South Park, Tweek Tweak had just emerged into the hall, his navy blue tux dusted in snow and his cheeks tinted rose. His blue-green eyes were boring into me from across the hall and I hadn't the slightest idea how much I'd miss them after a week of solitude until now.

He smiled, a sort of shy smile at that and then he tucked a piece of hair behind his ear, waiting patiently for the leader of the waltz to approach him and whisk him across the dancefloor. That was me. This, was something I was willing to do. Not just willing, but I was eager to dance with him. Despite the masses of people around me, eyes prepared to witness what photos days ago had insinuated, I had to have this dance with Tweek.

"Hey" I spoke under my breath, a tickle at the back of my throat that I refused to reach.

"Hey" he replied, his voice small. He was gazing up at me through his lashes with that reserved smile of his, the smile reserved for Craig Tucker.

"You look great" he tried to restrain a giggle as he examined my outfit. I laughed for him instead, knowing full well how ridiculous I must've looked in a funeral suit, blue converse on my feet and black hair spilling messily over my eyes. I held out my arm for him to latch onto and invited him over to the refreshment table where Kyle's cheshire grin was hard to ignore from behind the punch stand.

But it didn't matter, because instantly I felt a lot better with Tweek conjoined to me this way. We were just passing time until the slow songs cued and I could give Tweek a dance that I'd promised at some point during my hibernation.

I noticed Kenny bumble towards Kyle with Butters' hand clasped tightly in his own as the boy trailed behind him, all three of them stole glances at me as Kenny explained something intently to Kyle. Kenny was ironically wearing the most expensive suit in the building, the tags poking out from the waistline and front pocket while Butters didn't surprise anyone with his choice of a pink waistcoat and bowtie.

His face was still pretty swollen from our quarrel, he didn't look any less pissed off about it either but I couldn't see great in the minimal lighting and I certainly couldn't hear whatever he was hissing at Kyle over the music but I knew that it was about me. My ears were burning and Butters kept shooting me this apologetic look as he twiddled his fingers together, much like Tweek did when he had something on his mind.

Twiddling of the fingers, a bad omen.

Tweek tugged gently on my arm and motioned to the dance floor where heads started to dip into their dance partner's necks and the loud chatter died down into the soft lull of Crimson and Clover. I had to admire Tweek for his own admiration of cheesy rituals and I supposed, however much I despised these sorts of occasions, I owed him a lot more than this. A slow dance was the least I could grant him.

He took a hold of my wrist and gently tugged me across the floor. We woke in and out of the numerous amounts of couples who swayed side to side to the old ballad. We ended up in the far corner where the music was quieter and the lights weren't as offensive to the eyes.

He gazed up at me warmly before positioning my hands on his waist and ever so slowly snaking his own hands over my suit until they sat comfortably on my broad shoulders. There was that timid smile again, his eyes sparkled up at me as we began to sway and rotate around our spot and the cool shadows of the room engulfed us into the music.

Tweek eventually broke the gaze and rest his head against my chest, instinctively he blinked everytime my heart beat against his ear, which was always more than usual when he was around.

"I missed you" he whispered, I could just about hear him. I hoped then that he wouldn't ask what I was doing.

"Where were you?" Damn it.

I cleared my throat and tightened my grip on his waist protectively. "I was just sick" I told him quietly against his ear, a little trick I'd learnt in the last few weeks. But my breath against his ear wasn't enough to fool him into silence tonight.

"Y-you were crying" he muttered "I can't get that out of my head." I licked my lips and looked away pitifully. I felt remorseful that he was more concerned about me crying than the fact I nearly violated him against his will that night. Something I still have yet to come to terms with.

I pulled him closer until I could smell him, the sweet and fragrant aroma of green apple, one's favourite coffee shop and the undertone of anxiety. It was Tweek's scent, one I'd become quite accustomed to.

"I'm sorry for what I did" I murmured into his hair "I don't know what came over me."

The blond pursed his lips pensively before he pulled back to examine my face as I spoke. This was a trick of Tweek's. He liked to look at me when I admit things or if there was an opportunity that I could, if ever, display something on my face other than a lack of interest. He did this probably because he didn't trust me and I couldn't blame him for that. I didn't even trust myself anymore.

"It's okay" he reassured me and stroked a few strands of hair behind my ear so he could look into my eyes.

"It's not" I protest. He didn't get it, he didn't understand. He was too good, too pure.

The song was drawing to an end and I was feeling relieved that I would have a reason not to continue this conversation any further until Bryan Adams began to echo throughout the room and winter spotlights bounced off all the waltzing couples.

"Craig" Tweek began, in a voice that he used when he was about to make a lot of sense. "There's something going on with you and I- well, I think you should talk to me. I want to help."

I bit my lip and twirled him round, I was painfully avoiding meeting his eyes. "I'm fine" I told him and it would have sounded so much more convincing if I had even believed it myself as I said it.

"I know what happened with Kenny." I swallowed. "And I-I think I know what's happening with you. It's common, really, but something you gotta, you know, come to terms with…"

God, no. Please stop, I thought.

"You don't understand, Tweek…"

"But I do. I'm gay, I understand perfectly."

"It isn't- ugh, it isn't that." It was that. It was exactly that.

"Then what… I'm running out of ideas here." He was beginning to sound frustrated with me, a first for him; it was well deserved.

"Tell me what I don't know" he urged. I wish I could, I was so almost ready to rip the bandaid off and come clean. Sooner than later right? Ah, it was too late for that. It'd been two months give or take a week and every single day it became harder to lie to him. When he didn't receive an answer he stood back and untangled himself from my arms. My chest began to ache once I felt his body heat depart and I was so sure he was about to turn around and walk back out of that door with his back turned to me, everyone in this room knew I deserved no less.

"I do know that I can help you, Craig. But only if you let me in, you have to let me in" he paused, inhaled and finally caught my eyes, teal clashed with blue.

"I love you."

Did the music stop? Was Heaven beginning to sound like a splitting headache or was that just me and my ears ringing? Tweek didn't twitch, he didn't stutter or gasp spontaneously. He looked me dead in the eye and told me that he loved me.

Me.

Love.

He couldn't just drop that on me like that. What was I supposed to say? Time was going by, it was going by slowly but not nearly slow enough for my mouth to form a coherent answer.

"I…"

Tweek's face looked hopeful, he was telling the truth and he a hundred percent meant what he said. Any fool could see that. But it wasn't as if he even needed to tell me that he loved me, I already knew that he did. Saying it aloud just made it harder to ignore. This was why love made this so hard.

I watched the spotlights pass over his messy locks of hair, snowflake patterns danced on his face, his face that began to fall each second that I wasted not telling him that I felt the same way. We'd long stopped dancing.

"I need to tell you something."

An array of mixed emotions contorted his expression. Confusion, hurt, anxiousness, anger and somewhere in the mix of it all was the desperate look of hope. Hope and faith into something as unreliable as me.

Suddenly I regretted starting this conversation, this confession. I realized how bad of a time it was, how public of a place we were and how vulnerable Tweek looked before me, the realization of rejection hitting him like a bullet I never intended to shoot. He told me he loved me, it wasn't like it was out of the blue either. We'd been unofficially dating for two months, we were best friends, we kissed, we had sex, we talked about our lives. That was more than enough reason to fall in love with someone. So why couldn't I accept it? Why couldn't I tell him that I loved him too? I couldn't have let him down anymore than I'd let myself down.

"W-well, what is it?!" The twitching returned, the panic and doubt in his voice was all to evident. I didn't know how to proceed from there. Where did I start? The part about Cartman paying me to date him? About how me getting in touch again was out of duty, not genuine care for my best friend? Or how about the part where I realized I loved him, the part I realized I wasn't straight and hated myself and blamed him for both. Would that make the blow any softer? Would it make the situation any less of a big fat disgusting lie?

"Tucker."

Before I could spit any lame excuse for the monster that I was, both me and Tweek shot up to the source of the voice, a well known large individual in a red suit, hair combed back and smirk as malevolent as I'd ever known it to be.

This couldn't be happening. Everything that could ever go wrong had gone wrong all in the space of one song and as the third and last track began to play, I knew right there and then that I'd lost Tweek. I'd lost him and it felt worse than anything ever had, it made every other problem I'd ever had feel like a piece of cake to solve.

An envelope full of cash, an envelope to end all.

"I knew you'd take him to the dance. You made the right decision" Cartman grinned, he knew exactly what he was doing. This was his payback for ignoring him, for wanting out of the bet.

He tucked the envelope into my pocket and I couldn't move to stop him, I couldn't grab his wrist and twist his arm until it snapped as much as I fucking wished I could. I was frozen, sweating profoundly and the only thing that moved was the rapid beat of my heart, furiously pounding into my ears.

"Pleasure doing business with you."

That's what Cartman left us with. He knew already that me and Tweek were over and that's why he said goodbye, that's why he walked away smiling. I couldn't hurt him, I couldn't blame the guy… This was what I opted for from the very beginning. This, was my fault.

When I finally looked up, nothing could have hit me harder than the betrayal in Tweek's eyes, the way his face burned in shame and his lip quivered.

"What… W-what" he couldn't speak and I couldn't hear, I felt so sick I could pass out. He tried to compose himself so he could ask me, ask me why I was this way. He wanted to know what just happened. But Tweek wasn't stupid, so he didn't ask.

He blinked back what I could only assume were tears and then, like I expected, he turned his back on me. He left.

I wanted to cry, I wanted so badly to scream apologies at him before he opened that door and walked home through the snow in tears, humiliated and hurt, all because of me. But I couldn't feel upset. I knew this was going to happen and I didn't have a right to explain myself anymore.

* * *

 **A/N: It was about time, huh? **


	13. New Era Craig

**Chapter Thirteen**

New Era Craig

* * *

I didn't sleep a wink that night, any ounce of shut-eye I received was a horrific arrangement of nightmares, a guilty conscience clawing down my back and through my chest until I could breath no longer.

I'd had much better dreams than this.

When I awoke I was greeted by the dark ceiling and a cold, stagnant breeze. I was awoken by my ringtone piercing through my skull and my heart started to race. The time read 12:04am. Could it be?

"Hello!?" My voice was groggy and my brain still hadn't quite switched on, how ever the person on the other side of the line was someone I certainly wasn't expecting at this ungodly hour.

"Craig, it's Wendy, are you awake?" That was a stupid question. I licked my lips and observed my surroundings as I began to gain consciousness.

"I am now" I replied flatly.

"Can you come to Bebe's? I know it's really late but I don't know what else to do, it's really bad, he won't listen to me" she sounded worried and I could faintly make out music in the background, a crowd of voices and, was that Stan and…

"Tweek?" I mouthed it so quietly it was barely audible "is Tweek there?"

"Yes and he's really drunk. Craig I'm so worried about him, he won't let us take him home."

My throat quickly became hot and dry as I registered what she was saying, I tried to imagine the state that Tweek was in. He hadn't text me since the dance, not that I expected him to, but what I did expect was that he hated me right now and despite that all, I was worried about him; my chest was aching in anxiousness as I thought about what could be happening at that party... Tweek drunk, depressed and vulnerable.

I swallowed a lump in my throat before answering "what do you want me to do about it?"

"Can you drive down here and take him home? I know it's a lot to ask but-"

"I'll be there in ten minutes" I hung up before she had time to respond and jumped out of bed, pulling on some jeans and a jacket before I slithered downstairs into the kitchen, trying my hardest to keep quiet as the rest of the Tucker family slept soundly.

I grabbed the keys to the truck and swiftly made my way to the vehicle before jumping in, my heart pounding and my hands gyrating as I struggled to get the truck started. I was extremely nervous for a hundred different reasons, the majority of these were first being the obvious, did Tweek really want to see me? I doubt it. Why was he drunk anyway? I couldn't imagine him wanting to go to Bebe's party that was full of alcohol and people influenced by alcohol in the inevitable state that he was in. In fact, that's exactly why he'd have gone. There was the sweet irony.

As I finally started up the truck and had it on the road, it became hard not to speed when I began imagining all the stupid things Tweek could be getting himself into right now. At least Wendy was there to keep an eye on him but even she sounded pretty helpless. It must've been serious if she had to call me for help, the guy who smashed her best friend's heart.

There wasn't much of a snowfall tonight but it was still close to pitch black besides the few houses that were still awake and the flickering of streetlights. I'd been to one of Bebe's parties before and I knew the route to her house, it wasn't hard to find considering the amounts of people laughing, drinking and smoking outside either as music blared from the open windows, granting the neighbours about as good of a sleep I got. Had I not been frantically worrying about my (sort of) ex-boyfriend, I may have shirked some excitement and joined in on the fun everyone was having.

I parked the truck down the road and wasted no time in pacing towards the music. My eyes darted through the cloud of smoke around the small crowd that were huddled outside the front of the Stenvens' residence to catch a familiar face. No such luck, I'd have to conquer the drunk and horny sea of guests in Bebe's house along with the booming music and thick smell of sweat and booze.

As I was about to call Wendy and confirm her location, I noticed she'd sent me a text not long after our first phone call tonight that instructed me to meet her in the backyard. This text was sent ten minutes ago and I knew how difficult it was to keep ossified teenagers in one place for longer than a minute. So with luck, Tweek and Wendy might still be there. I hoped.

I glanced to the front door where Red was sporting a particularly tight little black dress with a lighter ready in her hand, I decided against bumping into her and quickly made my way round the back, jumping over Bebe's fence with little to no effort and avoiding the rose bushes and dog house as I hurriedly head for my destination. The task was quickly beginning to feel like a rescue mission, a video game of some sort and I was already on my last life. Things didn't get any better when I grabbed Wendy's shoulder from behind, only to realise her face was full of grave worry.

"You made it" she sighed and motioned towards the corner of the garden where two figures were leaning against each other and I couldn't tell if they were laughing or shouting at each other. One thing I knew for certain, and I could tell by the outrageous nest of blond hair, that was definitely Tweek stumbling over his own feet over there.

"Who is he with?!" I suddenly felt a little bothered as I watched him cling to the other figure "you can't just leave him alone in a party like this!"

Wendy widened her eyes and shook her head as she held out her mittened hands to steady me. "No he's with Stan, I was looking for you" she explained and I took a large sigh of relief.

"Is it bad?" I asked her, I was talking so much louder than I'd have liked so as to be heard over the raging music and excited squeals. Wendy bit her lip and nod sadly before she scratched the back of her neck and met my eyes once again.

"He's been asking for you. I didn't want to call you because I think you're a real fucking asshole, Tucker, so make no mistake. I hate you and I don't want you anywhere near Tweek" she paused to take a breath before continuing to talk over the speakers in her once again amiable tone "but I don't know how to get him out of here without you. So can you convince him to go home, please?" Despite the fact she clearly didn't like me for what I did and I agree that I deserved no less than what she said, I could see the concern oozing out of her pleading eyes that her friend get home safe. I knew I must've been better at hiding emotions because I was just as concerned about him as she was, if not more.

With a quick nod I trudged towards Tweek currently held upright by Stan whom had been reassuring him by the looks of it. Each step that I got closer to the two, my heart began to race so much faster than the beat that came before it. My throat became dry yet I couldn't stop swallowing what was left of words in my mouth. The last time I'd seen Tweek's back to me was Friday night when he walked out of the emergency exit of the sports hall in his navy suit, eyes brimmed with tears.

This time when he turned around to face me, it was so much different.

I'd never seen Tweek so drunk before. The two of us had merely dabbled with alcohol together in the past and nothing could come close to the state he would get himself in after his thirteenth cup of coffee but this was different, it was scary in fact. Tweek's blue eye darted around without control while his green eye lulled in its socket. His hair was more messy than usual and the uneven buttons were no longer an issue as they were all undone and his bare chest was exposed to the harsh breeze.

"There's two Stans" Tweek slurred as his gaze switched from me to Stan and I watched the older raven clasp his nose in annoyance when Tweek began to laugh at himself. I was taken aback for words, too stunned by the sight to respond. This wasn't funny, this wasn't funny at all.

"Tweek, dude, take it easy" Stan sighed, his hand steadying Tweek by his spine. Stan's pleas were pointless as it had gone beyond taking it easy.

I needed to help him, and Stan kept shooting looks at me letting me know he didn't want to hold Tweek up much longer, that I needed to intervene and sort out what I'd no doubt caused. But there, yes, there was that guilty voice scowling at me for doing this to Tweek, giving him more than enough reasons to drink himself senseless and lose any dignity at this stupid party where negative feelings breed into a brawl, a fuck, an embarrassment or all of the above.

"Tweek" I managed to squeeze out but it left my tongue as more of a squeak and I realised just how afraid of him I was right now. He looked at me with a stone cold expression I'd only ever seen in my reflection and suddenly my resemblance to Stan Marsh wasn't hilarious to him anymore.

"Why are you here?" he spat before he struggled out of Stan's grip and stumbled towards me with piercing pinkened eyes that I couldn't take my own off. I instinctively held out my arms to catch him but he swat the help away, he leaned against the fence and frowned at me like he'd never seen something so distasteful. I'd imagined him so many times, looking at me this way.

Stan shot me a concerned look before he meandered through the other teenagers to find Wendy again and give us some privacy. I almost wished that he hadn't, for being here alone with nothing useful to do or say to Tweek as he glared at me in the way that he was, was becoming excruciatingly hard to cope with. What could I possibly explain to him when he was in this dreadful state? Not much, not much at all.

"I'm gonna take you home" I told him, I was trying my best to stay keep a straight face.

"But the fun isn't over, Craiiiigg" he was smiling again.

"No, Tweek, you need to go to bed."

"Right. Bed."

"Stop it."

"You st- oh, hang on a minute I think I'm gonna-"

Tweek fell to his knees and threw up. I watched in part horror, part annoyance as he heaved up the contents of his stomach into Mrs. Stevens' roses and moaned in agony once he felt the second round rise to his throat.

The party guests who were outside hadn't heard Tweek throw up over the music and I sighed before crouching next to him and tucking the hair away from his face. I stroked small circles into his back as he blew chunks all over the flower bed. I watched from the corner of my eye Wendy observe us and shake her head.

Eventually Tweek saw himself fit and I helped him to his feet. I didn't know what to do now that was done though. He wouldn't listen to me, he'd just been sick and clearly I wasn't his bestest of friends at the moment. When Wendy told me he was drunk, that was a major understatement; this boy was completely fucked and I'd worried what would happen if I left him here like he wanted.

"Come on Tweek, we're going home" I announced once more but far more sternly. I wrapped his arm over my shoulder and tugged him towards the backdoor. There was no way in Hell I'd get Tweek over the fence in this state and much to my dismay, I'd have to haul him through the sea of Bebe's party instead.

"But you just got here. Why don't you drink and stuff, like, party, Craig, party Craig." A child could have spoken with more elegance than Tweek.

"No. I'm taking you home" I hissed at him and continued to walk despite Tweek's jelly-like legs attempting to trip me over. He was taken aback slightly by my tone and in his drunken stupor, he used the strength that he never used to resist against me; he kicked his legs and flailed his arms in the air. He was pretty strong and I was quickly beginning to lose my patience, trying all I could to keep him still.

"Hey you! Get off him!" A girl that I recognised from my homeroom yelled and pointed her finger at me accusingly. I then realised how inapt this position looked with his shirt undone and me dragging him into the house against his will and my better judgement, this must've looked like a damn abduction. I watched as Wendy and Stan ran to hush her before I bent down and whipped Tweek's legs off the ground, carrying him bridal-style into the crowd of people inside Bebe's house.

"Out of the way!" I shouted into the crowd who scrambled out of my path and cursed at me as I held onto Tweek tightly and barged through anyone stood in my way. Tweek proceeded to wriggle and whack me over the head, he began ordering me put him down and yelled at Bebe for help. She would've complied had she not been in a compromising position with Clyde on the couch with a beer in her hand. Luckily I was strong, or this ordeal would be extremely difficult.

"Hey jock" Red smirked at me once I reached the front door before she noticed the vicious bundle in my arms and raised her brows. Instantly she must have got the message that I had no time to talk and Tweek's relentless struggles against me didn't stop even once the music became diluted into the night air and we were all the way down the road.

I frantically fished for the truck keys in my pocket and quickly unlocked the vehicle. I dropped Tweek into the passenger seat before my arms could give way to his attempts to escape. I plopped in the driver's seat myself and locked the truck completely before he attempted to pry the door open and make a run for it.

When he realised his attempts to flee were futile, he crossed his arms indignantly and leaned back into the seat, avoiding my eye contact at all costs. The truck was cold and silent besides the hum of music down the road and our out of sync breaths that transformed into mist.

"You need to sober up" I told him quietly, leaning over him to adjust his seatbelt. He glared out of the frosted window and I could hear the disdain, thick and heavy in his breath over my neck. I gazed at him sadly, the rawness of his eyes all puffed up, inflamed and void of a good night's sleep. His hair was tousled more than usual and his lips were chapped. He had dirt on his face, hands and his exposed chest from crawling around Bebe's backyard and patches of his shirt were cold and wet. He looked like a magnificent state, ignoring me, pretending he hated me. Or maybe he really did hate me. He'd clearly been crying, perhaps he hadn't stopped since the winter dance. His knuckles were beginning to scab as well, he'd been punching the wall or… Himself? I shook the thought away and bit my lip once I felt my eyes begin to well up, being so close to him, inhaling the smell of him that was lost in garden fertilizer and cheap beer. I hadn't cried since I last slept with him and I wasn't about to do it again.

"You can get off me now" Tweek said coldly, his eyes pinned onto the snow-capped pine trees outside the window. I hadn't realised I'd been leaning on him so long, deep in thought, deep in guilt. Slightly miffed by the rigid tone of his voice, I did as he told and sat up. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel and debated whether I should start to drive, for this may be the last time I would have a quiet moment with him; it could've been the last chance I had to explain myself and apologize.

I couldn't stand to look at his expression any longer, his eyes were burning holes through the windows of the truck, his breath like an angry bull. I wasn't scared he'd attack me but it sure did feel intimidating, knowing what I'd done to elicit such an angry side of Tweek. Or maybe it was the alcohol? I couldn't be sure, all I knew was that I needed to start driving, and now.

I cranked the engine and switched the radio on before making my way smoothly down the moonlit suburban roads of South Park. I watched from the corner of my eye as street lamps cascaded over Tweek's sullen expression and Led Zeppelin played just as it always did when we were in the truck together. But there wasn't even the slightest shift in his demeanour, he was well and truly having a tantrum and did a marvelous job at making me feel bad about it.

I drove the long way to his house, I was trying to buy myself more time to think of something to say, anything to reason with the boy I so clearly hurt. But eventually his impatience forced me to drive on and park outside his house. I was inwardly trembling as soon as he clicked his seatbelt off. I didn't want him to leave just yet.

"Tweek" it almost sounded like a squeak so I coughed to repent the noise.

"Can you unlock the truck?" He hadn't softened in the slightest.

I turned the radio down and bit the inside of my cheek. I tried to simultaneously think of something to say without losing my patience with Tweek's stubbornness. "We need to talk" I announced finally although the tone came out an inch too harsh.

"You wanna talk?" Tweek scoffed, his drunken slur still quietly present as he leaned over towards me, perhaps a little too close for my liking. "I think you… have said too much" his finger chided me condescendingly and I could smell the beer, the dirt, the sour remnants of vomit and above all, an enormous sense of tipsy sarcasm.

"What do you mean?" I questioned but the aggravated look on his face told me it was obvious.

"You! And your fucking- GAH! Lies, Craig!" His finger jabbed me in the chest and I widened my eyes at him, his emotions were all over the place. I couldn't condemn him for this, nor could I deny what he was saying, even if he was just drunk. That's what made this so uncomfortable, the fact I couldn't worm my way out of this mess.

"I'm sorry" I breathed in almost a whisper. Tweek refrained from twitching and cursing and looked up at me with wide eyes. I had no way of knowing what mood he'd jump into next, or how he'd respond. It wasn't exactly the best apology in the world.

"For what?" He licked his lips.

"For everything…" I couldn't face him so I stared down at the wheel instead "for… not being honest with you." I hoped that he could see how difficult it was for me to get the words out of my mind and know that I meant what I said.

"Do you mean that? Do you really?" He didn't seem convinced.

"Yeah."

"How do I know you're not lying?"

"Tweek, come on."

"No, you come on! I don't think you're sorry at all, now open this fucking door!" He yanked the handle aggressively until he felt my hand on his shoulder and his arms dropped to his sides.

"Please, Tweekers, would you just stop?! I'm sorry, I mean it. I… there was this bet, okay? Kenny and Butters and Cartman and I lost so fatass had me… ugh, it sounds bad but I didn't mean for it to get this far" I felt beads of sweat form on my forehead and my heart began to race faster, not knowing whether I wanted to tell Tweek all this or not.

"A bet… this far?" He echoed, his words all of a sudden became heavy and drowsy.

"Yes I… had to date you for a couple of weeks and Cartman would give me money. But here's the thing, I really enjoyed being with you and I guess I got carried away." I was talking so damn fast.

"You… were paid? To date me?"

"I- yes, but believe me, it got so hard to take, I wanted to tell you so bad."

"Then why didn't you?!"

Because I was scared of coming to terms with my feelings? Because I'm love with you and I didn't want you to leave me? Because I'm an utter douchebag?

"Because… It would hurt you" I spoke under my breath and Tweek gasped in utter disbelief, his brows arched as he shook his head.

"You're unbelievable" he told me.

"That came out wrong, I'm sorry, that's not what I meant-" I ran my hand through my hair, mentally hitting myself for being so conceited.

"Stop" Tweek's eyes rolled to the back of his head in disgust.

"Listen-"

"Stop, I'm gonna-"

"I'm not lying this time."

Before I could finish pathetically explaining myself, Tweek's face turned an alarming gradient of green before he puked again, all over his shoes and my dad's truck. He was coughing and drooling in pain but without shame. I wouldn't give any fucks about my state if I was in his shoes either, his converse saturated in vomit.

There was a brief moment of silence where Tweek leaned back into his seat again, his eyes sparkling with fresh tears. I could tell he'd been crying so much already, I wondered if he could even manage to shed anymore tears, but there they were, one spilled pitifully from his green eye and he didn't even blink.

I felt so fucking evil, so disgusted with myself. I almost felt like being sick myself at the sheer thought of what I'd done. Explaining what I'd done to him didn't make things better either, it just reinforced how absolutely revolting I'd been towards Tweek. Tweek, this beacon of pure, unconditional love and acceptance I'd been blessed with more times than I deserved. This fucking angel. What was wrong with me?!

I reached into the glove compartment and pulled out some tissues, cautiously edging closer to Tweek in an effort of comforting him as I held the tissue against his wet cheek. My fingers came into contact with his skin and immediately I felt the cold, tranquil sensation through my arm that I always felt when I touched him. Only this time, I realised just how much it meant to me before he grabbed my wrist with a loud 'clap' and held it away from his face.

"Don't fucking touch me" he seethed. I didn't allow the bitterness to phase me and pushed my luck too far.

"Let me help you" I tried to dry his cheek and dap his mouth but then the unexpected happened.

Before I could get any closer, his fist shot up from his lap and collided with my jaw. His drunk swing wasn't quite an angry McCormick punch but regardless of that, it hurt, and as I nursed my jaw in confusion, slight anger and certainly a fair amount of pain, only one thought came to mind: I deserved that. Tweek may be, well, Tweek, but that didn't mean he couldn't punch like any less of a man and there was no denying I had that coming.

His lip was fighting against quivering and his hands were twitching, his eyes were sore. He was holding back for sure, he could cause more damage than that. Some part of me wished he'd beat me up here and now, I wouldn't fight back, I'd let him. But Tweek didn't want to hurt me because he loved me. At least… I hope that he still loved me, perhaps? Maybe not, I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't. Well, I could take a good lesson from him, that was for sure.

"Let me out" he almost whispered and I could hear the heartbreaking crack in his voice. If he didn't hate me right now, I'd wrap my arms around him, hold him tight like a good boyfriend should. Like a good boyfriend could… I observed him through hooded eyes, I felt the angst in my chest, the cold scent he'd leave once I unlocked the door. No, I'd lost that privilege.

"Okay" I told him simply and unlocked the truck. I stared at the bleak road ahead of me, the sky, the trees, anywhere that wasn't the sight of Tweek leaving. Once I heard the truck door slam shut, the emptiness came crawling back inside me, clawing out my eyes until they were bruised with fresh tears I didn't know I'd been holding back. I finally glanced out of the window to Tweek's driveway. I watched as he came to a sudden halt at his door. He always knew when I was looking at him.

As my eyes started to well, I prayed he would turn around and see just how much it killed me that he was leaving, for my stupid mouth couldn't begin to form the words I barely knew the meaning of. But he didn't turn around and as he hesitated at the door, I didn't call for him. He couldn't look at me and I didn't blame him, as much as I wanted my best friend to stop exiting my life, it took me this long to realise I was the one pushing him away.

Now in peace and quiet, the soft lull of Stairway to Heaven could be heard echoing throughout space once the front door to the Tweak household closed.

It was my fault.

* * *

I spent the following week with my phone on silent, my curtains closed and Johnny Cash on repeat. The only company I had was Stripe's little squeaks, a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of my dad's old whiskey that I snagged. If Clyde, Kyle or Token called, I ignored; when my dad knocked impatiently on my door, I dismissed him with 'a cold' and if it was Tricia, well, no words were needed, she left me in peace. Tweek didn't call or text, he was being just as stubborn as I was. But the rational part of me believed he wasn't talking because without pointing out the obvious, I'd done him wrong. Big time. I honestly couldn't recall a time in my life where I'd felt more useless and depressed than this.

Eventually I had to get back to school before coach kicked me off the football team and even though my head was not in sports at all, I knew I had to have a stiff upper lip for this one or all my team's and my own practice the last couple of months would have been for nothing. I'd already let enough people down recently to have the South Park cows on my plate too.

As players collided together in the cold fresh mountain air and the only sounds were ragged breaths and a loud whistle here and there, I'd reached some sort of nirvana where Tweek and the aching pit in my chest that followed no longer existed. I knew I could do this, get my head in the game and forget about him for a while. The big game was the next day after all, what choice did I have?

Coach had a quick chat with me after the cows had showered and changed, to which I was somewhat relieved because then at least I wouldn't have a very unimpressed-looking Kyle to deal with. Coach was surprisingly nice; he gave me a rigid pep talk before he smacked my back and laughed which was somewhat surprising considering how grumpy he usually was. I guessed he could sense that the team captain needed a bit of a break.

When the majority of South Park High students departed to go home, the football team were dressed and gone and the afternoon began to bleed into a peaceful evening. I took the opportunity to go back out to the football field that was empty, quiet and dusted in snow.

As I neared the wall at the side of the field, I examined the sky in deep thought as the cotton candy clouds descended over the lazy sun. My mind was scattered all over the place and yet it could only make sense of one thing, which ironically is the one thing I was so unsure of until now. Sighing to myself, I reached deep into my pocket and fished out a fresh pack of smokes, mindlessly twirling one between my fingers as I rummaged for a light. It was perfect smoking weather; at least, it would've been if I hadn't left my lighter in the truck.

"Need a light?" A very distinctive voice interjected me as I began to furiously curse at myself and I peaked up through my fringe to see two blazing blue eyes staring at me. Kenny McCormick made himself at home next to me on the wall and rubbed his hands together to warm up. He still had bruises from our brawl although they were doing a good job at healing. But had he forgotten we'd fallen out and I'd done such horrible shit to him?

"I'll give you a matchstick for a stogy" he told me as he fished into his pocket where I heard him retrieve a loose match and hold it out to me. I stared at him for a long while before I managed to reach out and take it, striking it against the stone and lighting two cigarettes for us.

Kenny smiled that lopsided grin of his and gazed up at the peachy sky, inhaling smoke deep into his lungs and releasing it out from his nostrils. I wondered that perhaps he was just here to grab a smoke, no further questions needed. However, he did look pretty thoughtful, I supposed it may be a good idea to ask.

"You look like shit" he said suddenly, though not punitively.

"I feel like shit" I told him and he edged closer to examine me better. "I've been crying a lot" I add. I figured there wasn't much point in denying the obvious there. "I'm also a little bit drunk."

"Tweek fucked off didn't he?" Kenny stated although no doubt he a hundred percent knew and didn't need to ask. I nod in response and took the longest inhale of my smoke today.

"Pretty boys will break your heart" the blond hummed as if it were a song.

"I don't think that's true… I think this is karma" I sighed. We continued to smoke together in silence with Kenny swinging his legs over the wall and the breeze blowing softly against our faces. Why did he care? Why was he here? I was sure that he too hated me more than anyone at that point in time.

"Cartman tried to get me to tell Tweek about the bet last week during the dance" Kenny began as he tapped off his ash "I told him to fuck himself, tried to warn Kyle about it but the fatass went and did it himself. I'm sorry man." Now he was apologizing to me?

"It's not your fault. It was going to happen sooner or later" I sniffed. My nose seemed to be still recovering from days of sobbing alone in my room. A thought suddenly occurred to me; if Kenny refused Cartman then didn't that mean…?

"Hey, didn't you have a deal with Cartman about Butters?" I asked. He flicked his cigarette over the wall and took a long sigh of relief as he looked up at the sunset again.

"I came clean before Cartman got there. Leo said he wants a break and I guess that's okay with me, I'm just glad I'm not keeping anything from him anymore" he explained.

"Yeah but don't you love him? You don't look that upset about this."

"I do love him, and that's why I know we'll get back together."

I scoffed and stubbed out my own cigarette, I couldn't help but shake my head at his blind optimism. If only my life could've been seen through the eyes of an underprivileged cocky little delinquent like Kenny.

"What makes you so sure?" I quizzed and Kenny seemed more than happy to answer.

"Because I know he loves me too. I'm not going to make the same mistake that tore us apart and until he trusts me again I'm just going to have to prove that I've changed."

"And have you changed?"

"Yes, of course, but my offer still stands if you're up for a quickie, Craig."

I held my middle finger out to him and shook my head as he chortled in laughter. The guy never changed. However, I admired his confidence in the belief he could and would get the love of his life back. That at least was pretty bold of him when arguably cheating was worse than the secret I kept from Tweek. Then again, Butters wasn't exactly known for his brains.

"You know, you can get Tweek back if you wanted. He's always had it bad for you" he broke through the silence.

"I know he has" I sighed "I think this was the last time though."

Kenny eyed me before suddenly his hands flew out at my chest and the next thing I knew, I was tumbling backwards off the other side of the wall into a thick mound of snow.

"What the fuck was that for?!" I growled as I emerged from the snow cold and damp. But Kenny wasn't laughing. He rolled his eyes at me and stood up tall on the wall to look down on me like a king with his subject.

"You're gonna give up, just like that?" He asked. I bit my tongue and tried to stop myself from launching at him for pushing me off the damn wall.

"What else is there to do? He's gone, I hurt him, I've had my chances. There's no logical way around this. I told him the truth, I was trying to show him I could change but he doesn't believe me so I'm not as fucking lucky as you in that respect."

"That's your problem, you're thinking about things logically. The heart doesn't run on logic."

"Well what am I meant to do? I told him about the bet and he's mad."

"This isn't about the bet really though is it?"

"What do you mean?"

"Stop using the bet as an excuse to hide from the real reason you and Tweek aren't together right now. You might not be lying to him anymore but what about yourself? I don't think you're very honest with yourself, Craig Tucker, and Tweek can sense that. You already know what he wants you to say."

I glared at the boy, cogs churning and grinding in my head as I tried to figure out what exactly Kenny was getting at.

"What is it?" I finally asked.

"Last time I said it, you beat me up" he scoffed "I'll let you figure it out."

I'm gay? Did Tweek really want to hear that?

"I'm not…" my voice trailed off and Kenny looked like he was about lose his mind, I didn't blame him considering how many people had heard me protest against being gay. I considered what to say and thought deeply about Tweek, about myself. My dad's words would always cloud my mind when I really questioned my sexuality, which recently I'd been doing a lot. In fact, I questioned it ever since I was fourteen but yet I'd been so scared to explore it. Now after having experienced the… 'other side' for want of a better word, I couldn't imagine myself going back, at least not often. I'd had a taste of the greener grass and I liked it. Was that okay? Was that sinful? More importantly, did I care?

These past few weeks had only taught me that as much as someone runs away from who they really are, they'll never get far enough. Who was I fooling? I loved Tweek and he wasn't a girl and after all this time, I think I was finally okay with that.

"I'm not… straight" I finished and Kenny's eyes widened before a mile wide smile followed suit and he jumped off the wall into the snow, dancing around me ecstatically.

"Hallefuckinglujah!" He cried as he punched his fists into the air and grinned at me. At this point I couldn't help but return a small smile at his stupidity.

"How does it feel?" He asked, his hands gripped onto my shoulders excitedly.

"How does what feel?" I asked.

"How does it feel to say it out loud?!"

I had a thought. It didn't leave a bad taste in my mouth, in fact it sounded pretty fitting for me actually. Saying that aloud was like putting on a sweater that fit almost perfectly.

"It feels… comfortable?" I told him and then to my utter bewilderment, Kenny wrapped his arms tightly around me and squeezed me until my lungs were about to give way. I pat him on the back stiffly, willing the idiot to get off me and give me some air. If it wasn't clear to me ten minutes ago, it was clear to me now that Kenny had definitely forgiven me. Nothing like sharing a smoke in the cold to clear the bad air I supposed.

"I knew you'd come around" he pulled away and flashed a crooked smile "I'm proud of you" his tone changed and he gazed at me very sincerely. I never in a million years thought I'd say this, but Kenny's last words instantly spread warmly across my chest. I was flattered that he was proud? Of me?

"Thank you" I said gratefully. "Also, I am sorry for beating you up."

"Pft, no big deal. I like to get a bit rough now and then" he smirked. Nothing could phase the classic Kenny McCormick charm. Despite the lewdness, I owed at least a little respect to him for I believed he was the first soul I'd ever openly admit to about liking guys, without any hidden doubts I may add.

This was a new era for me. No more Closeted Craig and I stood by my words in saying that I'd get Tweek back. I would go to any means to prove, as Kenny suggested, that I'd changed and that I was willing to improve as well because I cared Tweek Tweak, I wanted him and I wanted it to work out. It started right then, with me, and to anyone who cared to know.

 _I am gay._

* * *

 **A/N: So I decided to give you all a break from the angst and let him finally come out. I love how when I started writing this, I was inspired by '10 Things I Hate About You' to write a romantic comedy and then I put my own sad twist on it and the humour element completely flopped. Regardless, thank you so much to everyone who has read, reviewed and bookmarked this, I never thought I'd get this big of an audience to be honest. I'm very grateful. I say this now because there are actually only two chapters left and an epilogue, you my reader, are very close to revealing the last puzzle piece of this story.**


	14. Prove It

**Chapter Fourteen**

Prove It

* * *

"Let's go to the creek" a fourteen year-old Tweek grinned at me before he turned to look across the water of Stark's pond. It was a great white winter, much like this one; it was bitter, cold and magical. The snow fell on curious ground and as the seasons were changing, so was something

else in the air.

We had fixed our bikes together, polished them till they were squeaky clean and spent our Saturday racing through the forest to our creek where we could get a clear view of the sunrise. Tweek, being the ecstatic character that he was, rode ahead of me through the the thick blanket of nature and snow, his unkempt golden hair flowed through the cold rush of the wind.

I'd been chasing him on the wheels, dodging trees and laughing but I never quite got fast enough to reach him, much to his delight. It turned out I didn't even need to catch him before his front wheel hit an unexpected rock hidden in the snow and he went tumbling across the floor.

My reaction time was little to nothing before I slammed on my brakes, jumped off my bike and sprinted towards my friend to aid him, my heart palpitating at the thought of him hurt.

"Tweek, are you okay?!" I asked while I checked his face for signs of injury. His eyes were brimming red and he sniffed, trying ever so hard to stiffen up a lip and resist crying. After more inspection I realised he'd scuffed his knees and palms. If that wasn't bad enough he'd also twisted his ankle; I knew this because he winced when I gently moved it around.

"You're such an idiot" I told him airily before I scooped up a handful of snow and held it against his knees to soothe the graze. "Do you think you can walk?"

His hands clutched to my shoulders as I hauled him out of the snow and instantly he hissed in pain once his feet touched the ground. He wrapped his arms around me tighter in fear I might drop him. I assessed the situation and decided we wouldn't be making it to the creek after all, he needed to rest.

"I'm taking you back. We can't ride with your ankle" I announced "and let's hope you haven't sprained it."

"GAH! I'm sorry, Craig" he twitched against me.

"It's fine. But we need to get you cleaned up."

Tweek let out an apologetic sigh and begrudgingly followed me as I guided him towards his bike. He was hopping on one leg that left single footprints in the snow and he began twitching too which made it very difficult for me to support him. I thought that under other circumstances, this could look pretty amusing.

"I-I can't ride, I don't think" Tweek stammered.

"I know. I'm riding your bike, you can fit on the back."

"But, uh, what about your bike?"

"I'll come get it later."

"Craig what if-"

"Stop worrying, I have it under control, you're safe."

Eventually he gave in defeat and awkwardly seated himself behind me. He clutched onto the bottom of the seat with his hands and made a useless job of his legs.

"Hold onto me" I ordered "and keep your feet up, don't get them caught in the wheel."

"O-okay" he was used to taking my orders.

Tweek wrapped his spaghetti arms around my torso and held onto me tightly before he hoisted his feet away from the wheel and leaned his face against my back. Despite the odd twitch here and there, he was keeping me warm and his arms felt like a strong seatbelt. I could tell he was nervous, he was nervous about most things after all, but beneath all that I also knew he trusted me and right now I was simply dead set on getting him home and tending to his ankle.

"Ready?" I asked. Tweek nod his head and I pushed off and made sure I was keeping to the dirt path and being cautious to avoid the snow and ice that could cause another fall. The extra weight wasn't easy but at least Tweek was secure and still behind me.

Actually, the ride was quite pleasant. It was tranquil and quiet all besides the birds that chirped in the trees and the tires of Tweek's bike that scuffed over twig and twine. I could hear his breath, soft against my back, almost as if he'd been lulled to sleep by the gentle sway of the bike. I'd enjoy the ride more had I not had to focus on keeping my passenger safe by making sure his feet weren't falling into the wheel as well as being on the lookout for pesky black ice.

Soon enough the roofs of the suburbs poked out from behind the pine trees and we were nearly home.

When we finally made it to the Tweak residence, I helped him into the house, plopped him on the couch and wasted no time in locating the first aid box. I came here so often when Tweek's parents were at work, I practically knew where every nick nack was in the home. When I returned I gently pulled his snow boots and fluffy socks off his feet and then lifted the legs of his pants up to reveal his reddened knees.

"You don't need to do that, I'm not a baby" the blond huffed from above me. I cocked my head to the side and stared up at him, as if this wasn't the first time I've had to clear up his clumsy accidents. To this, he could not argue.

Despite his annoyance, I cleaned his grazed knees with antiseptic wipes and covered them in his star-patterned band aids. I grinned up at him when I was pleased with how neat and tidy I'd made his knees look. He frowned and ever so slightly blushed before he folded his arms and defensively pulled his pant legs back down.

"Get on with it, and stop smiling like that!" he hissed. I held back a chuckle as I moved onto his ankle. The area had swollen very quickly, all around his ankle and down to his foot was raised and hard, it was difficult not to stifle a laugh at his idiocy but on another, more serious note, it looked pretty bad.

"It's sprained. Well done" I deadpanned.

"What?! GAH! What am I gonna do?!" He spluttered.

"Calm your shit, it just needs some ice and compression. You shouldn't walk on it for a few days though" I informed him calmly and began to wrap bandages from the first aid box generously over his ankle.

"When did you become a first aid expert?" Tweek scoffed.

"Since I became friends with you" I smirked and he snatched my hat off my head.

"You're so fucking funny Craig."

"It _was_ pretty funny to see you falling off your bike to be honest because you, like, _flew_ off it and face planted the snow. I should've filmed it, I would have got paid for that."

"Y-you're, that's mean."

"I know."

I snipped off the bandage and tidied the first aid box then I stood to my feet to observe Tweek. All jokes aside, I did feel bad for him that he was so accident-prone and me taking care of his clumsy tendencies became a regular thing, not that I minded it that much.

Tweek turned the TV onto an episode of the Terrance and Phillip show, a show I'd grown out of over two years ago but still had to sit through because of Tweek's unconditional and irrational love for it.

"Put your foot up on a cushion, you've got to keep it high" I told him.

"Okay, okay, I get it" he rolled his eyes and lifted his sore ankle off the floor.

"I'll put this in your room in case you need more bandages and stuff" I showed him the first aid box and made my way to the staircase. I was completely oblivious that the next five minutes was going to change everything.

"Can you get me a blanket please?" He asked before I disappeared up the staircase.

"Sure."

I made the familiar route to Tweak's room and shook my head at the mess of lego, clothes, and coffee mugs strewn across his floor and furniture, his bed unkept and something spilt on the bedside table. If I was in a particularly good mood I might've taken it upon myself to tidy the monstrous mess that was his bedroom, but there's only so much a fourteen year old boy can do for his friend before it became extremely weird.

I set the first aid box on his bedside table and grabbed the quilt off his bed only to reveal something I should never have taken a second glance at.

The corner of a notebook poked out from under his pillow, staring at me, intimidating me. I reached out and took it in my hands and started observing what on earth it could be. Tweek wasn't one to revise or anything like that, but the book looked well used, in fact it was nearly falling apart.

Sheer curiosity caused me to drop the quilt and take a seat on the mattress before sheepishly turning to the first page of the mysterious book Tweek kept under his pillow. It was then that I realised it was his diary, a diary he'd tried to hide no less. Tweek tells me everything and if he hadn't ever told me about this diary then already I knew how personal it must be. All of a sudden I felt a little overtook by a few emotions regarding the said book. I felt annoyed he hadn't told me he kept a diary, despite the fact there's no real reason for me to know or care about that. I was also curious as to what secrets he possibly had. But lastly, guilty because of how bad I wanted to invade the book.

No, this is wrong I thought. Friends don't read personal diaries. But then again, friends don't keep things from each other, do they? I was thinking of every reason I had to read Tweek's diary without guilt but there were none. It wasn't my right to impede on his innermost thoughts.

I liked to think I was a good friend to Tweek... trustworthy, reliable, patient… So with that in mind, I shoved the diary under the pillow but only seconds later I found myself pulling it out again and pushing the rational and logical thoughts to the back of my mind in order to feed the raging intrigue this diary had given me.

The first entry was a little over a year ago. I could just about make sense of Tweek's aggressive handwriting and realised that I recognised this event. He'd spent thanksgiving round my house for the first and _last_ time. Frankly, my dad made him quite nervous that night. Despite that, I recall it was quite a fun evening and the Tweak family definitely went home well fed. However, this entry didn't interest me all that much.

Tweek had written the date and time of his entries; most of them had been composed in the early hours of the morning and his presentation was atrocious. His handwriting slanted across the lines, word after word was scribbled out and his spellings could do with some serious work. But it's not as if he expected anyone to critique or let alone read this besides himself, so I let him off.

He'd written some crazy stuff that I briefly scanned over, mostly about his hyperactive thoughts, school and conspiracies. So far I hadn't seen a single bad word about me when I was almost positive he'd use this diary to bitch about me, at least once. For better or for worse, he only ever wrote about me with great respect.

It was all fun and games casually flicking through the pages until I reached the latest entry written only two days ago.

 _It's getting harder to keep this a secret from Craig. I told my parents last week that I'm gay and they actually took it really well but I'm scared Craig won't have the same reaction._

I had to read over that line a few times just to make sure I'd read it correctly. I couldn't believe my eyes. He's... _gay?_

This seemed like too big of a secret for him to hide. Tweek wasn't good at hiding things, especially from me. He felt too under pressure with his own secrets, so if he was gay he'd have let that slip the moment he knew it himself. But… Perhaps not? After all, he wouldn't write this for no reason..

What was more baffling was the fact he'd think I'd react badly to this. I wouldn't treat him any different if he was into guys, _would I?_ Progression of acceptance had gotten a lot better in South Park over the last couple of years; now was a good of a time as ever to come out if you were homosexual. I'd like to think I'd support Tweek the way I support his other decisions but deep inside myself, I wasn't sure if that was true. Homosexuality is still a taboo in the Tucker household.

As I thought intently about the subject, things began to make a lot of sense if what I was reading was true. Such as the way Tweek would always shy away from girls and his rather stereotypical love of theatre. Actually, there wasn't anything specific that made him seem gay. He was still Tweek, the same boy he'd always been. So why did I feel so differently about him now?

 _How do I tell Craig I'm in love with him?_

Suddenly my throat became dry and my fingers began to quiver. Surely I had not read what I just read.

In a moment of pure panic I flipped back through the book and searched for my name, for something that would contradict the nonsense Tweek had written. It only got worse.

 _I keep thinking about the tree house all those years ago. We didn't even kiss properly but I still think about it sometimes._

 _He'd hate me if he knew, I just know it._

 _Being gay isn't very logical is it? But I guess love is illogical then too? Because I feel pretty stupid falling for my straight best friend._

 _Craig told me he likes Annie, he said they have a date next week and he looked so happy. I cried when he left and I feel so stupid because I shouldn't be sad if my best friend is happy._

 _He's been distant recently. I think it's because he got a new girlfriend. It's getting really hard to pretend to be happy about this. Maybe I should tell him._

 _I don't know what to do. Why would he even consider a freak like me anyway?_

Here, in distraught writing across the pages, was Tweek's turmoil; his most guarded secret that no one was supposed to know. He was in love with me.

I read each confession over and over just to make sure I hadn't missed the little note underneath that said "haha, fooled you" but there was nothing. This had come from Tweek's heart and my head was spinning. I felt like I'd be sick for reasons unbeknownst to me. I was so surprised, confused, angry and then somewhat relieved? I didn't have a name for this emotion. It was completely illogical.

What made it worse was that I actually didn't have a problem with my best friend falling in love with me, in fact, I dare say I felt a few butterflies in my stomach. But that's what made it more terrifying… What if I was… _gay?_ If Tweek could question it, so could I. I guess I never thought of it too much.

I'd done with Tweek all that I'd done with my past girlfriends. I'd held his hand, slept beside him, took him out for dinner, met his parents, embraced him, carried him. This was a side of myself I only reserved for Tweek, a series of events that made me feel content. Was that what love felt like?

The sound of Tweek yelling my name from downstairs pulled me from my thoughts and I realised I'd spent far too long up here, pondering, panicking… Perhaps if I closed the book, forget I ever read a single stupid word then everything would go back to normal. I cursed at myself for letting my curiosity get the better of me, for I was unsure of what to do with myself; with what I knew about Tweek's feelings for me.

Even as I returned the diary to its original hiding place, took a deep breath and made my way downstairs, nothing had subsided. I still felt as nauseous and worried as ten seconds ago. I still felt at loss of what to say or do.

"What took you so long?" Tweek's big glassy eyes gazed at me from behind the couch. I couldn't read them, I couldn't understand what they meant.

"I went to the toilet" I told him quietly.

"Oh? You better have lit some incense then." He was totally unaware I'd just stripped him of his privacy.

"Yeah..." my voice drifted off.

"Dude, you forgot my blanket."

"Oh, I'm sorry I-"

"Craig, are you okay? You look sort of pale."

He looked worried, worried for me. I had no idea why he cared about me so much, what was it from me that he wanted? What was so special?

I remember, that was the moment I had my first ever doubtful thought about myself, the first time I began to hate myself. Back then I thought it was because of Tweek's outrageous feelings; it was _his_ fault. But in truth it was because I realised that I'd began lying to myself about who I was, I began hiding.

"I need to get some air" I announced finally. I grabbed my hat from the couch and hastily made my way outside, doing all I could to avoid his tantalising emerald eyes but they followed me, even when I was out of the door.

They've been following me ever since that day.

After I left his house, I retrieved my bike from the forest and rode it for hours to nowhere in particular, just around the mountains and by the pond. I pedalled my little legs until they collapsed outside my front door and I trudged inside, drenched in sweat.

I decided I had to distance myself from Tweek, or his feelings would only grow. The outcome of that was… petrifying to me. I started hanging out with him less, I absorbed myself into my school work, football and girls. I took up smoking too. Admittedly, all of this took the edge off the confusion I began to feel when I was around Tweek; I even began to forget about things we'd do together, the little details that made our friendship so sacred.

Tweek may have known that I read his diary, he could've figured out that I knew about his feelings for me but ultimately, he had no idea as to why I left him. He could've thought of anything; like that he wasn't good enough or that I hated him. I made abandoning him look easy but truthfully, it was the hardest thing I'd ever put myself through.

* * *

"Dude, are you okay?"

Kyle was beside me in the changing room getting into his kit as well as trying to wake me up. I hadn't realised that I'd been staring aimlessly into my locker and thinking intently about Tweek.

Surprise, surprise. Even after my great come out to Kenny I'd done nothing but mope around, feel sorry for myself and avoid texting Tweek. I didn't know why I was acting this way.

I knew just as much as Kyle that I needed to fix myself up and get my head in the game. I'd even got a haircut for this damn game. In less than twenty minutes the South Park High Cows would be taking on the Middle Park High Cowboys for the highly anticipated game of the season. I'd worked my ass off to practice for it too, but now the time had finally come, I hadn't the emotional or physical energy to bring myself out on the field as the reliable team captain.

"You need to buck up, Craig, you realise our whole team have been sweating this season's practice right?" Kyle frowned at me with his hands on his hips.

"I know. I'm working on it" I groaned.

"Really? Because it looks like you're about to quit on us."

"I'm not, I swear I'm just… My head's somewhere else."

Kyle placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and his face softened as he let out a long sigh. He was about to say something sensible again. "You'll work things out with Tweek" was I that transparent? "Just get through this one game."

"Thanks" I murmured before I closed my locker and began to change into my kit. As much as I felt like coiling up in the warmth of my bedsheets and crying, Kyle was right. Football had a good endorphin release anyway, I could've done with some confidence.

"Right, cows, we're up in fifteen" coach bounded into the changing rooms with a clipboard and passed it around "sign your names" he told us before he head towards me and patted me roughly against the back. "Glad you decided to show up, Tucker" he cackled. I managed to flash him a weak smile but for his sake and all my other team members,' I really wished I was in a better game mood.

It's all a state of mind. Change the feeling.

Me and Kyle along with a few other players jogged to the entrance of the stadium to get a good look at our audience, and our guests. It was nearly 7:00pm and a dark and cloudy night. The piercing lights of the stadium illuminated what was quite possibly the whole of South Park huddled together on the bleachers. They cradled hot cider and burgers, dads with foam hands and young children dressed in paper masks waved tiny flags. Unlike Kyle whom was becoming quite jittery beside me, I didn't suffer from nerves. Clearly I suffered from illogical heartache syndrome though.

I scanned the crowd for any sign of a familiar face, for a bush of unruly blond hair but alas, I couldn't spot him. It would be pretty foolish of me to believe he'd be interested in watching me play anyhow. However, I did notice my mom and dad wave at me with pride painted across their faces and then Tricia, her middle finger extended. Somehow, I wasn't as excited to see my family as I would be to see Tweek.

"You doing good?" I asked Kyle.

"Yeah, man I'll be fine once I start playing" he replied and waved to familiar people in the audience.

We had only minutes to go and our cheerleaders were completely riled up. Bebe and Wendy danced together and performed acrobatics across the field, threw their pom-poms high into the smoky air that elicited excited screams in the audience. Even though I felt myself getting slightly more excited about being out in the field, I couldn't help but will this game to be over as soon as possible. I wanted South Park to _win_ as soon as possible, to be more specific.

"Craig, you need to stop fucking zoning out, I mean it!" Kyle whacked the back of my head and scowled at me.

As I slipped on my helmet, I pretended it was okay.

"I'm just getting my game face on" I grinned at him and jogged to the middle of the field to face my component. For now I'd push back the doubt that flew around my head and focus on the game I was now all of a sudden so determined to win. South Park cheered once I came head to head with the team captain of Middle Park. My team loitered behind and the cheerleaders chanted our names.

I could get involved in this, I thought.

The home team gets to call the coin and as coach held out a quarter I acquainted myself with the opposing team captain. He was shorter than me but stocky, well built, brunette and angry; his eyes locked onto mine and we glared red at one another for a short while, we made our messages clear to one another.

"Heads" I finally called, a stern eye on my target.

Coach flipped the coin into the air and low and behold it landed on heads. He looked at me expectantly with a glimmer of doubt in his expression. Maybe he thought we would lose today.

"Middle Park kicks off" I told the two and within seconds the game had begun. Being the quarterback, I had a very active role in the field and being the team captain, I was in charge of screaming at the other players and keeping them in line. Fortunately for me, the others made my job easier and put all their might into the game, we could all smell the determination in the air.

Middle Park was good, and even after a few touchdowns they were but a score or two behind us, biting at our tail. I had the finest team players by my side; an angry heard of linebackers lead by Token, the defensive line lead by Stan and then my safeties and cornerbacks by Kyle. All of them had immersed themself into the game completely, they gave into the desperate desire to win by using all means possible. Despite this, by the first halftime we were all one lumpy mess of hoarse breaths and sweaty bodies, I made a mental note to cut down on the smoking when I realised how unusually out of breath I'd been tonight.

The offensive team, luckily for them, bagged themself a safety a mere few seconds before halftime and as one of Middle Park's running backs attempted bolting towards our end zone with the ball, they were tackled by some of South Park's finest to which we left them with an extra two point ahead of us. The crowd responded to the action with a series of cheers and jeers as I headed towards Kyle who was panting on the bench. He held out a bottle of water to me.

We had roughly twelve minutes to collect ourselves and repaint our game faces while the cheerleaders took a center stage for a while.

"You did good" I said between gulps of wonderful, fresh, beloved mountain water.

"We're not even halfway" Kyle sighed dejectedly.

"Hey, get your fucking spirits up or we won't even _get_ to halfway."

It upset me that a few times tonight I'd had a handful of the cows give me that unenthusiastic look of 'you're gonna make us lose' and me, being me, I was going to prove them wrong.

With a little while until we were back on the field, I took the opportunity to scan the audience and wave at a few familiar faces as I kept searching. Still, there was no sign of Tweek. I'd been awful to him, I didn't deserve the time of day from him but still, somewhere deep in my mind I had a silly thought he might show up to the game that I'd practiced for all season.

I imaged a scenario in which I wasn't a dick, one where I'd finish the game, score the winning touchdown and run to my boyfriend, kiss him, hug him and celebrate. It could've been that way if I wasn't such a coward.

"Sorry for a minute ago" Kyle smiled at me "Let's kick some Middle Park ass."

With the undying determination from the Cows, we were soon in the lead again and attained the great advantage of being many points ahead of the Cowboys which only fueled our yearning to victory.

I, along with my teammates had been running so fast and working so hard that it had gone beyond heavy sporty breaths, by the last halftime before fourth quarter, I was almost ready to pass out from exhaustion which was probably karma for missing so much practice recently. I was surprised coach still let me play the final game when clearly I'd underestimated how important that practice really turned out to be.

However, something during the last break knocked the breath clear out of my lungs, harder than any Cowboy tackling me to the ground could.

There was a face in the audience, illuminated by nothing but my lonely mind playing tricks on me. Except this wasn't a trick, there really was a face staring at me, bundled in a scarf and a jacket and cradling a java, a face of an angel I thought I'd only see again at death. Tweek timidly waved at me when he noticed me staring a hundred yards away and all too soon my heart started up again and my chest grew tight.

Butterflies. Oh if I wasn't so immersed into finishing this game, I'd let them consume me, I'd let them take over and say everything that so desperately needed to be said. But right now I had to keep my cool, I had to conduct my team and I had to win the game. Not only for my sake, but I now had this insatiable need to impress the blond boy whom yanked at my heartstrings from the audience.

The call was sounded, it was the last quarter and Middle Park didn't look like jolly Cowboys anymore, they looked like angry bulls. I had a frightful feeling they'd been saving their strength for the last quarter to claim the winning score and put us Cows to shame. Kyle noticed this too and despite his increasing nerves, he sent me a furious nod of understanding and we made a silent pact to scramble the offensive team into breakfast.

Everything was very tense in those last fifteen minutes, not only did I have my team screaming for back up but I had two intimidating green eyes that burned holes into my back from the audience, or at least that's how it felt. Middle Park was beginning to give us a hard time and by the last five minutes of the game they'd crept up behind us once again on the scoreboard. The team's quarterback revelled in delight at my annoyance.

His cockiness was quickly miscalculated.

Kyle, my finest cornerback, made a clearing for me after he passed the ball and fell to the ground in what looked like a brutal tackle. Before his face disappeared into a sea of burly tacklers, he yelled my name at the top of his lungs and I knew what to do. I made the decision to run the ball myself and stampeded towards the offensive team. I was running so fast that the defensive line nearly flew across the pitch in each direction beside me. The crowd screamed in a mixture of anticipation and encouragement. The ball landed with a thud in the offensive zone before the guards and tacklers could reach me.

Safe.

We won.

There was a millisecond of silence before the crowd erupted into delight and my team galloped towards me and pulled me into a huge man hug with helmets pressed against one another and our breaths intermingled in victory. It felt good and almost god damn erotic. For a second, I felt that team affinity I'd claimed not to possess.

My team's tired arms that lifted me into the air was almost enough to make me forget about Tweek who was discreetly leaving the audience. Almost. When I was carried off the pitch and dropped off behind the stadium, he became first priority.

"I'll be right back" I breathed heavily and faced Kyle before I chucked my helmet into his muddy hands.

"Go get him, Tucker" the redhead grinned before he turned to the rest of the team to finish celebrating.

The majority of the audience was still packed in the stadium so as I ran through the empty concrete halls, I knew it wouldn't be hard to spot Tweek making a quick escape.

I had very little energy left after such a tense football game but the sight of Tweek with his back turned to me once again was enough to drive me that one step further before I called out his name. He turned around and twitched; he looked like he wanted to leave as quickly as possible but if that was the case then why would he have come here at the last quarter of the game? He seemed conflicted, more so than I was just a few days ago.

"Tweek" I wheezed as I began to slow down and stood face to face with him. He stared down at his untied laces and avoided my neglected gaze of apology.

"H-how are you doing?" I asked. The anxiousness was evident in my shaky and tired voice.

"Could be better, I guess" he told me nonchalantly, his voice muffled behind a woolen scarf.

There was a thick sheet of ice between the both of us that begged to be broken, I just didn't know how. This was not the reunion I pictured.

"You got a haircut" Tweek finally looked up at me with a small but sad smile. I could tell he was trying his best to soften the sharp jab of pain I felt shoot through my chest at how distant he was being. Surely he could see I bled with the way he looked at me.

"Yeah" my voice broke halfway "I didn't think you'd come to be honest."

Tweek resumed watching the interesting show that was playing on his feet before he composed an answer.

"It's South Park's last football game of the year, I thought I'd make an effort" he explained "also, this is yours, I don't know why I still have it."

From inside his coat he pulled out my blue chullo hat with the yellow puffball, a revered and holy item in our lives. He held it out to me and I could only but stare. My heart sunk so low, it was drowning in acid, it was burning, as were my eyes. I'd become such a crybaby in the past few weeks.

This felt like so much more than Tweek handing me the hat he loved so much, it felt like he was severing ties with me and trying to prove to me that he didn't care. If he hadn't showed up to the game tonight, I probably would have believed it as well.

It could have just been the aftermath of football adrenaline but there were words trapped in my mouth that demanded to be set free.

"I love you, Tweek" it was so easy to say, it felt so natural to fall off my tongue despite how depressed the lack of response made me feel. I was so glad I'd admitted it.

Something flickered across his eyes, the same conflict I saw only moments ago, the same conflict I'd harboured myself until my epiphany with Kenny not so long ago. He looked like he was about to cry as he bit his lip and inhaled one long and shaky breath, the longest breath I'd ever seen and then he scoffed, a distraught scoff he used to stop himself from crying. It proved unsuccessful.

"Why..." he sniffed "why are you doing this to me?" His trembling hands flew to his face to censor the tears in his eyes. I didn't mean to make him so upset.

"P-please don't cry" I begged as I placed my hands on his shoulders in an attempt of comfort.

"Y-you're fucking with me, Craig, you… Ugh, I can't believe I came here, I need to go."

"No! Please, please stay… We need to talk."

"About what? I can't keep loving you when you change your mind about us. It's like, it's like walking on eggshells!"

"I've changed, I know what I want, I want _you_ , I love _you_." The pain on his face was heartbreaking.

"How can you change just like that? I-I'm sick of your fucking internalised homophobia man, or whatever it is, y-you need to sort it out. It hurts too much."

I gently placed my hands on his pink cheeks and tilted his chin upwards to face me so that he could look into my eyes and see just how much this was hurting me too.

In all our time together, even as mindless kids, I'd struggled to convert the thoughts in my head into words, I'd struggled to tell the truth to everyone and to myself but tonight, I was determined to break that barrier. I _had_ to. I had too much to lose now.

"I've been bad to you" I began "but I love you, I promise you this; I want to be better, for you and for us. Please give me one last chance, I know I don't deserve it but I will prove to you I've changed, I fucking swear I'll prove it."

Tweek took a long breath in and then out. He allowed me to wipe the tears from his cheeks and then he relaxed into my touch. The urge to squeeze him tightly and never let him go was so strong, but I held back. If I knew Tweek, I knew that he wanted space right now.

"I need time to think" he muttered; it came out colder than he intended. Knowing I'd done all I possibly could in this moment to assure him, I nod respectively and finally took my hat from him.

He walked away but this time there was hope yet. I was going to take Kenny's advice and solidify Tweek's decision and more importantly, his trust. Even getting him to reconsider was without a doubt the most important goal I scored that night.

* * *

 **A/N:** **I've pretty much reached 100 followers and I'm gobsmacked. I can't thank you guys enough for all the support as this story comes to an end. P.S) Anon, please let me know if I managed to keep to past tense in this chapter since I tried very hard not to deviate.**


	15. A Plan Unfolded

**Chapter Fifteen**

A Plan Unfolded

* * *

The bike I bought Tweek had a sturdy green frame, thick mountain tires and a basket and a bell; everything someone of his stature could possibly want. My long forgotten and pointless ambition of getting myself a new car had been demolished and the promise of a bike ride in the future was far more likely now. So I bought it with the money Cartman had been giving me. It had to be used for something good, I realized.

However, as I strolled through South Park's winding roads with the bike rolling by my side, I still hadn't figured out what I wished to tell Tweek. I knew he was waiting for me, despite how coldly he left me after my football game a week ago. But it was Christmas Eve and I knew the bike, being as sentimental as it was, would say a few things I felt.

I left the bike outside the Tweak residence with his name attached to the handlebar. The pull to knock on the door was very strong but the moral of allowing him space was stronger so I left with my hands in my pockets and a sense of content.

Christmas day forced me into my dreaded funeral suit for church service in the morning. I decided on a whim that I'd go and see Tweek before, get the words out of my system before I'd have to endure a morning of hymns. My stomach was full of butterflies and my heart was full of hope.

I made my way past snowmen, festive lights and decorations until Tweek's house was in sight. Green and red lights adorned the bricks of his home and lit the doorway where three figures were sheepishly huddled together. At first glance, I assumed the trio were Tweek and his parents but under closer inspection, I realized I was only half right. One of the figures were tall and fat.

What was Cartman doing here? I wondered, a flicker of anger in my chest. However, what happened next alarmed me even more.

Richard Tweak outstretched his hand to Eric and in his hand was at least a hundred dollars. My fist balled and my face boiled as I tried hard to put the pieces together. Tweek's parents… Were paying Cartman… But for what? Was I apart of this? Was this apart of Cartman's master plan? There had to be a good explanation for what I'd just witnessed.

All three faces whipped in my direction when I began storming towards them. "What the hell is going on here?" I demanded.

Richard blinked twice, twitched just once and quickly tied his hands around his back as he composed himself and smiled, that wide toothless smile.

"Craig! Nice to see you, will you be joining us for service today? I'm sure Tweek would be happy to see you" the man beamed. I narrowed my eyes at him.

"No thank you" I said "but I am concerned why you're giving Eric Cartman money."

The couple looked awfully suspicious.

"Tweek's been off recently. Eric here offered to pick up his hours at the coffee shop for the last week" Richard explained. He was a good liar; a very good liar, but I knew Cartman hadn't been busy at the coffee shop at all. So not so good there.

"Please sir, be honest with me because I have a bad feeling right now. Is this about Tweek?" I asked.

"What do you mean, son?" He smiled again.

I really wished I was wrong, but the slight smirk on Cartman's face was telling me I was right. The nervous energy of lying parents felt too strong. I turned to Tweek's mother who seemed in a worse state than her husband, hoping I'd get an answer.

"Mrs. Tweak, you haven't been paying Eric to matchmake me and Tweek, have you?" I asked her as calm as I could. She sighed.

"Craig… Darling, it isn't what you think" she muttered and Richard hissed at her to hold her tongue. Thankfully, she didn't.

"Eric said he could help Tweek. Our son didn't have many friends, he was bullied and he was failing all his classes. We wanted to help him… Of course we were skeptical at first but then he started coming home happy, he was getting good school reports, getting invited to parties and well, he had you. We owe this young man for that" she lay a hand on Cartman's shoulder who's smirk stretched from ear to ear. I felt sick to my stomach.

It made sense, it all made perfect sense. The Tweak family were paying Cartman to help with their son, no wonder he had money to bribe me and spend on all these new gadgets. But wasn't it obvious he was just using them? Wasn't it obvious that he didn't care about Tweek? More importantly, how could parents betray their child that way? I was utterly baffled. Words couldn't describe the anger and confusion I felt in that moment.

Before I could open my mouth to talk, we each heard the sounds of squeaky brakes and monster tires slush through the snow. A blond boy in a plain suit had hopped onto his new green bike and was racing into the distance before his parents' yells could reach him. Tweek had obviously overheard and he was gone. If I wasn't angry before, I was definitely feeling it now.

"No disrespect to you Mr and Mrs Tweak, but I think you're incredibly stupid and I can't believe you'd do this to your own son. You should ask Eric what he's _really_ been up to. He never helped Tweek, he humiliated him and bullied him. The reason Tweek was so happy and started getting good grades is because he did it all himself. I'm pissed you have more faith in this asshole than in your own flesh and blood."

I was containing my anger well despite how badly I wanted to scream at them at what a bad decision they'd made. I was hurt myself, to find out I'd been part of a plan bigger than I imagined. But I wasn't important right now- Tweek was.

"There's no need to throw a pussy fit" Cartman murmured, loud enough for me to hear.

As soon as his beady eyes glanced away in an evil smirk, I balled my fist and struck him. He was taken aback with barely enough time to block my punch and instantly the bastard fell to the floor, weeping and hissing in pain. I'd got him right on the nose and I didn't feel an inch of guilt.

Mr and Mrs Tweak gasped and stood back, watching the two of us in terror.

"Alright" Cartman sniffed as he failed to get to his feet again "I deserved that."

"You did" I agreed.

"But if you wanna fight, then I won't hesitate to break your nose..."

Cartman with one hand on his bleeding nose, used his spare fist to return the punch but I'd caught it in time, squeezing his knuckles with little to no effort and twisting his wrist until once again he became a ball of sobs and pleas on the ground.

"I have more important things than entertaining you" I scoffed "and next time don't fuck with the football captain."

For the next part I leaned in close to his ear.

"And if you ever go near Tweek again, I'll fucking castrate you."

Satisfied with my effort, I bid my farewell to Tweek's parents who in utter shock ran inside to phone Cartman's mother.

Somehow I knew where Tweek had ridden off to and I wasted no time in running in the exact direction my heartstrings were pulling me.

* * *

The snow was less thick in the forest surrounding Starks Pond since the trees were sheltering the cold ground beneath. It became easier to run along the mud when I reached the familiar winding path towards the river bank.

I wondered if Tweek would hear me out and if he'd forgiven me. The last time we spoke was like taking a last breath. The memory of him walking away in tears was still so fresh in my mind; far more fresh than the victory of the football match. I'd been holding my breath ever since; scared to take the next step.

Sure enough my instincts had been right. There sat Tweek, huddled on the edge of the frozen lake with his feet dangling off the edge and his head in his hands. I swallowed the doubt in my throat and quickly brought myself to sit behind him.

We sat in silence for a while though Tweek had taken his face out of his hands. We gazed upon the rising sun reflecting in the ice, the mountains reaching the clouds.

"Are you okay?" I finally asked.

"What do you think?" Tweek replied, his voice raspy from crying.

I sighed.

"I didn't know, I swear I didn't" I assured him. He weakly smiled in return.

"I know… It's my fault. I shouldn't trust people. Can't even trust my own parents."

A great sadness swallowed me whole. I knew I needed to do something.

"Tweek… I know it's early, I don't expect you to forgive me but you _can_ trust me. I'm an idiot for what I did, but I stopped accepting the money once I realized how much I care for you… Not that it makes things any better."

"It's okay Craig, I forgive you" Tweek said as he faced my direction for the first time this morning. I hadn't expected him to forgive me just yet.

"And… I meant what I said. I do love you."

"Well, I love you too."

I could breathe again.

Tweek had forgiven me but I could tell he was still sad. The color blue lingered over his hunched form and the betrayal of everyone close to him came out in long wispy sighs.

I placed my hand on his.

"It will be okay" I told him.

"Maybe" he mumbled "thank you for the bike."

"It's fine. Well, I thought we could go on bike rides together. You know, like how we used to when we were kids."

Tweek gazed up at me, a smile crawled on his face and those big beautiful mismatched eyes stared into my soul. "You're so gay" he chuckled.

"Yeah" I laughed "I am. I really am."

Tweek squeezed my hand before he jumped to his feet and head towards his bike. He hopped on the front of the seat and motioned for me to join him. I raised a brow in amusement as I stood up.

"I'll give you a ride to church" he declared.

As I cautiously made myself comfortable on the back of the seat and wrapped my arms around his waist, he reassured me. More so than I expected.

"Things will get better" he began "you'll see."

* * *

 **A/N:** **I really just... yeah nah, I'm not gonna make an excuse for this one. Well at least y'all know I'm not dead. In fact, I will get this fic finished if it _kills_ me. Lucky for me, all that's left is an epilogue and then this travesty will have come to an end. Hope you're all enjoying your summer! **


	16. Epilogue

**A/N: So this is the end of this story. Finally after nearly 2 years it's complete. Thank you everyone for your support and please enjoy this short epilogue. **

* * *

**Chapter Sixteen**

Epilogue

* * *

"I'm gay."

Saying it out loud felt so foreign, after years of denying it. I felt like a great weight had been taken of my shoulders and all the anxiety and shame I ever had about being gay evaporated before my eyes. However, this didn't make it any easier to say. Especially to my dad.

My father stared at me for a long time, gawking.

Moments flew by without a reply- without even much of a reaction, and I began to feel even more nervous.

"You're… gay?" He echoed.

"Yes…" I swallowed.

"You're a funny boy, Craig!" Thomas erupted into deep laughter. He thought I was joking.

"Dad, I'm being serious" I groaned and he finally stopped laughing.

"What do you mean?"

"I… Well, I'm gay… Like… Homosexual, like, I like boys."

I found myself trip over my own sentences as my dad failed to grasp onto the forbidden concept. I began to doubt that coming out to him now was a good idea. But it had been a whole month since Christmas when me and Tweek made up. I couldn't keep having a secret relationship with him behind my dad's back. Although I must admit I found it strange he hadn't cottoned on yet. Maybe he'd been blocking it out of his thoughts.

"Son…" His voice trailed off "are you sure?"

"Yes. I've never really been this sure about anything" I told him truthfully.

He looked pensive; he couldn't look me in the eye when he spoke. But I was expecting a worse reaction I must admit.

"The Tweek boy… is he…?"

"He's my boyfriend, yes."

My dad inhaled deeply. He didn't look angry, only mildly disappointed. But it was pretty obvious he'd always known. My confession only confirmed his suspicion.

"What did I do wrong?" He murmured under his breath and raked a hand through his hair.

"I… you didn't do anything I'm just- this is the way I am" I chewed nervously on my lip "I can't help it."

"So you're not just confused then?" He asked.

"Not anymore"

"And Tweek Tweak, you love this boy?"

"Yeah… I do."

Dad then surprisingly wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a paternal embrace. It was awkward and rigid and I wasn't sure what to do with my arms. But it felt safe, I felt loved and I was overall so relieved he hadn't disowned me

He pulled away.

"I need some time to think about this. I'm old, I don't really understand but you're my son, my own flesh and blood. I'd never hate you… I kind of knew anyway, I've known for years. Maybe that's why I've been so hard on you."

I could feel tears prick my eyes. I'd never expected such a response from my conservative arrogant father.

"Tweek is a nice boy. I don't doubt you make a good pair. I'd be worried if it was McCormick's son."

"Dad-" I blushed and elbowed him. He laughed.

I left the living room and head towards the front porch with an odd mixture of both relief and anxiety in my stomach. Tweek was waiting outside for me, chewing on his nails and fidgeting awkwardly.

"H-How'd it go?" He asked in almost a whisper.

"I think it went okay" I told him "better than I thought anyway… But I think he's still a bit disgusted by it."

Tweek scratched the back of his neck before he clasped his fingers around mine and held our hands up to his chest.

"Just give him time. He'll come around" Tweek gazed into my eyes with warm reassurance. Instantly I felt better. "I'm proud of you" he whispered and gently placed his lips onto mine.

I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him closer as we shared a long moment of content.

"Thank you" I breathed as we pulled away.

"For what?" Tweek raised his brow.

"For just putting up with me. You're too good for me."

"You need to stop saying stuff like that." He twitched.

I smiled down at him and smoothed a piece of his hair behind his ear before I adjusted his blue chullo hat as it sat lopsided on his head. No sooner had we made up, he'd claimed the hat as his own once again.

"Come on, let's not leave the guys waiting" I kissed his cheek and the both of us made our way down the porch hand in hand towards our bikes.

South Park was hastily approaching February; the snow was still thick enough to get lost in and everything from the people to the mountains remained the same. But something was different because I knew I was seeing things differently. The last few months had been the craziest I'd ever embarked and yet it all started by losing a bet.

Grateful. That's the best I could describe this change of heart.

My mom and dad came to accept me quicker than I expected, though my dad went a little over the top sometimes, it felt good to feel welcome in my own household. Tricia was just a smug little rat with her "I told you so."

Tweek eventually forgave his parents for their naivety and they remained just as infatuated with our relationship as they ever were. The Tucker household would often visit for dinner and take advantage of the unlimited free coffee that comes with the advantage of having a gay son.

Kenny was immensely proud of me, and Tweek. He continued to be an unlikely support in the worst of places. He also received his semi-happy ending when Butters decided to end their break a few weeks after they broke up and the two had been stuck in their honeymoon phase ever since. Sure enough, Kenny stuck to his word and he stayed faithful to his boyfriend.

The rest of our friends thankfully stayed the same. Kyle was a strong mentor in my life and he replaced me as team captain for the Cows, which I didn't protest at all. Clyde managed to work up the guts to ask to go steady with Bebe. Surprisingly he was successful.

Cartman was grounded for a long time for what he did. His gadgets were confiscated and a lot of the money he earned went towards the fine he created when he vandalized the school with photos of me and Tweek. We also each received an apology letter from him, completely forced of course. But we decided the best thing to do was forgive him and move on.

As for me and Tweek, I'd never been happier. He'd taken a great weight off my shoulders and given me the burden of not worrying at all. Finally I was happy. We continued to ride our bikes together on a tonne of new adventures as we embarked on the most crazy adventure of all.

Each other.


End file.
